Anna Nicole Smith
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“She's alive! Alive!!!! Oh God, she's on me already! It's alive! ALIVE!!!! Yes, yes!!”
St. Anna Nicola Faberus
is was an A+-list American celebrity, A-list model, B-list reality tv star, C-list actress, Double-D-List Breast owner, and A++-list eater, better known for nude modeling, low-budget acting, marrying mummified corpses, and for frightening small children.
Born 'Hulk Hogan' in Crawford, Texas, Anna displayed an abnormally low IQ at an early age, causing much speculation that she may be the illegitimate daughter of George W. Bush. DNA tests, coupled with her ability to succeed at something (in this case becoming a stripper), proved this claim to be totally inaccurate.
By the age of 13 Anna had followed up her 'dancing' success by becoming a Playboy model. A series of plastic surgery operations saw each of her breasts become larger than the state of Rhode Island. That, coupled with excessive masturbation-induced blindness on the part of 99.4% of Playboy readers, resulted in her winning the 'Playmate of the Year' award for 1992.
The happy home-maker
But with success also came excesses, in Anna's case booze, kittens and lard. Her liberation from these vices came in 1994, when she met and immediately married ancient millionaire J. Howard Marshall. Over the next 4 years she devoted her life to mothering, and successfully produced 14 children for her virile young husband. Several of these children have gone on to become household names in their own right:
- Billy Bob Marshall - young husband of Elton John;
- Cletus Marshall - self-named actor in 'The Simpsons';
- Thurgood Marshall - time-travelling Associate Supreme Court Justice;
- Court Marshall - another time-travelling Associate Supreme Court Justice, better known as the brutal Antonin Scalia;
- Lurlene Marshall - talentless bimbo following in mother's footsteps;
- Marshall Mathers - Germany's most talented rapper, if slimmest and shadiest;
- Marshall Law - Popular consultant for totalitarian regimes (e.g. Zimbabwe, North Korea, Canada);
- Marshall Amplifier - loud but well-regarded partner to many electric guitars;
- Marshall Crenshaw- Overlooked talented songwriter.
- Marshall Arts - Commonly called 'Art S. Marshall'; there is some controversy over his proper name.
- Dr. Phil - demonic parasite and alter-ego of Oprah.
Alas, Anna's marital bliss was cut short in early 1998, due to her husband's untimely death at the age of 412.
Descent into obesity
Faced with a wrecked body and 14 hungry mouths to feed, Anna spiraled into a deep depression that saw her gain 760 pounds. A careful diet of chocolate, Twinkies, donuts, and lard failed to reverse her plight, and she was quickly forced to the most desperate of measures: becoming a star in her own reality TV show, called 'The Thing From Uranus' which featured Sumo wrestling.
Descent into the basement
For a time she became so heavy that at one point she fell through the floor crushing beyond recognition all who were down there, and could only travel about if there was a police escort and heavy lifting equipment to move her about - being in the basement was definitely her low point. Before an escort came to pick her up she was inevitably hungry and mistook the flattened people for pancakes, which she consumed with gusto.
Anna Nicole Smith: the revenge!
The public's adoration saw countless fans shower her home daily with rotten tomatoes and feces. Inspired by their encouragement, she ate all of their gifts and resolved to wrest the title of 'World's Best Bimbo' from reigning champion Pamela Anderson.
She succeeded in 2005, but was forced to lose vast amounts of weight and subsequently only repulsed 99.979% of other humans. The exceptions being:
However she had to abandon her sumo career and take up WCW instead as she no longer matched Japanese tastes. Oprah Winfrey said she was looking too thin, so she must have been not far off being down to the right weight.
Anna Nicole Smith: The Movie!
In November 2005, Fox announced they would be making an epic movie of Anna's life story, based on her Man Booker Prize-winning biography "The Fat and the Furious". The movie is due to debut in late 2006. Cast includes:
- Anna Nicole Smith - Rosie O'Donnell
- J. Howard Marshall - a stick of jerky
- Hugh Hefner - another stick of jerky
- Bill Clinton - himself
- George W. Bush - Curious George
- Danny Glover - Paris Hilton
As with any desperate fringe celebrity, Anna Nicole Smith has appeared in numerous movies. These include:
- Titanic - as Titanic
- Hamlet - as Yorik's Skull
- The Witches of Salem - as Peine Forte et Dure
- Free Willy (the adult version) - as Willy
- South Park: Bigger, Louder, Uncut - as Cartman
- Who Let The Dogs Out - as one of the dogs
- The Weight Limit - plays a CIA agent who accidentally crushes her partner while having sex with him, shoots some people too!
- Pyramids on the Body - plays the Valley of the Kings lying down.
- The Matrix Trilogy, Uncut -as Agent Smith
Pole In The Sky
On February 8, 2007, Smith was found unresponsive as usual in a room at the Seminole Hard Cock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida despite officers fucking her constantly they couldn't revive her. She was rushed to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood at 2:10 p.m EST while paramedics performed oral sex, in stark contrast to what she was doing to the paramedics earlier in the day. She was later pronounced to be Blond upon arrival. Her passing was a little less than five months after her son saved himself and jumped ship. She was 39 years old. Honestly though, she was fucking an old guy, so lets add a couple years. She was 41 years old. Following an autopsy it was pronounced that she died from Bloated Barbie Syndrome, something she had apparently been suffering from undiagnosed for many years.
Services were held at the Holy Madonna Slutitarian Church. She was Buried in a "Y" shaped coffin, her burial causing an earthquake of 10.2 on the Richter scale that destroyed a small city.
- On her person was a diamond ring, a jam doughnut, lightly frosted with some sprinkles, a half eaten rabbit, and a canoe. Is any of this linked? I think so...
- An extended cut of Cinderella III: A Twist in Time was looping in her hotel room.
- The greastest orgasm she ever had was with a ghost!
- Heaviest woman ever to go up to the top floor of the Playboy Building, causing structural damage.
- The Anna Nicole Experience is simple, if you want to know what it was like to have sex with her just walk in front of a juggernaut.
- She's dead!!!!!! Sorry to the man still fucking her
- I am her daughter's father.
- Half of the men in the world now claiming to have had an affair with her in the past 10 years and possibly be her daughter's father, some others now even claiming to be her father and others claiming to be her children.
- 51% of the population of Indiana believe that she will return as the anti-Elvis in the age known as The Great Crush in which she will have grown to several thousand times the size of that which she was when she died and sit on the earth crushing it and everyone on it, but Elvis will bring them all back with rock n'roll and destroy the whore!