Anne Frank

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“For the longest time, I assumed she was a man. When she wouldn't come out of the attic, I assumed she was heartbroken over me dumping her, but eventually she got over it and took a trip to some fascinating camp. Never did hear back from her after that...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Anne Frank

“You can't see me”

~ John Cena on Anne Frank

“Do you hear something?”

~ Anne Frank on Nazis

“Lazy Girl. Never went outside, wrote one book, didn't even write a sequel. Lazy, lazy girl.”

~ Ricky Gervais on Anne Frank

“You're always cooped up in here! Now I want you to go outside and socialise with those nice Germans!”

~ Anne Frank's mother
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Anne Frank.

Before becoming a major hide and seek champion she was the inventor of the mobile disco and her career path as the first jewish pornstar in space looked bright. That was until she was locked in an attic by her father. During this period of time he would count to 10 in German and wore a swastika.

Besides her infamous diary, Anne Frank also expanded into the postcard manufacturing market

Anne Frank was the winner of the 1942 World Hide-And-Seek Championship and a child prodigy and mathematical genius whose major works were only discovered many years after her very early death. They have been used make a mockery of Palestinian and Egyptian mathematicians of the latter 20th century by showing that all their discoveries were actually more eloquently documented by the whimsical antics in the diary of a Jewish female child. Anne Frank was born in 1929 to Heinz and Greda Frank, both of whom were powerful Jewish money lenders and Zionist conspirators in Germany at the time. After desperately attempting but failing to see acceptable income from Anne's fame, her parents urged Anne, like all famous Jewish people at the time, to seek a career in slapstick comedy or cabaret.

Anne Frank, Hide and Seek World Champion.

Upon fervent refusal and continued rising stardom for her mathematical works despite no financial gains for the parents, the Franks quickly grew tired of the 'overbearing attention' and sought isolationism by hiding in an attic of a Catholic couple who lived down the street on the condition that the rent would be free.

Concentration and Creativity Camps[edit]

The German Government, under direction of future visionary Adolf Hitler, however, desired Anne so much that they went on a nation-wide search and finally found her in 1944 and invited her to one of the National Socialist's elite 'Concentration Camp' where she would have achieved greatness if she hadn't died in an Allied bombing of the camp a month after arriving. The German government was so ashamed of its blunder that it intentionally omitted recording the death of Ms. Frank. Later on, this bit of information was used by people of western society to claim that the German 'Concentation Camps' or 'Think Tanks' were all a farce to begin with. Others more accurately cite that the brutal carpet bombings by the harsh Allied Forces vaporized half a century worth of thinking that was achieved in only a few short years.

As a result of this malicious destruction of knowledge perpetrated by the anti-semitic allied forces who sought to destroy the concentration camps out of their own desire for global intellectual dominance, little survives of this mathematician who achieved what some call comparable Gauss, Euler, Cantor, or even Galois, who also died young, but in a duel over a girl with whom he was in love with. Despite this, a few months after the Allied Powers had destroyed the world's next Greek Civilation, Diary of Anne Frank, a text written while in hiding, was haphazardly discovered and survives as a testament to her true genius. In it she outlines a public-key cryptanalysis system, an (as of yet unconfirmed) proof that NP = P for complexity of problems, and a proof to Goldbach's conjecture among many other things that have yet to be fully comprehended.

Oscar Wilde contemplating Anne Frank's exsistance.

Anne Franks true biological parents remained hidden until recent times, when the one who's name cannot be uttered (Aka Flying Spaghetti Monster, His noodliness) spoke with such ear shattering greatness of an affair, of which he greatly regrets, that resulted in the birth of evil. It was a cold night, and the fog lay thick on the ground, his noodliness on one of his regular visits to earth happened to find his most lower left noodle caught in a squirrels anus, upon seeing the struggle of the great one, a local Mormon rushed over to offer aid, and freed the almighty one. Being the kind and generous being he is he offered the woman (who he did not know the religion of) one wish, now this was no genie in a lamp wish, this was an honour only given to few when great acts of good come forth from nothing. The evil Mormon caressed his noodly appendage and uttered, "you are my wish", in a moment of weakness and with the need to fulfill this wish he made love to the women, with the power of good and evil combining in the sauce of her loins it was done, and his noodliness experienced something new to him, Regret. 2 months later a child was born unto the Mormon (taking only two months as the flying spaghetti monsters sauce is of great power) one Anne Frank, a beacon of evil and hatred and death to those around her. Upon hearing this news the spaghetti monster felt he had no choice but to send his own son, one Adolf Hitler to destroy this demon, a steep price to pay you may think but those who worship false gods shall receive no protection from his noodliness. The massacre of 6 million Jews occurred with the intention of killing this vile being, and as it is common knowledge Anne found embrace in the home of Germans, deceived by her, through many lies and promises of great things in return for the abandonment of all things noodly. For a long time her deception fooled many but his greatness Adolf eventually found her and brutally slaughtered the foul scum, ending his own life now his goal had been achieved and with it ending the massacre brought to earth by this mistake. There are many rumours of what happened to the Mormon but the one acknowledged by his noodliness himself was that she went on to create the evil that is

Search For The Original Work[edit]

Most scholars however, correctly noted that there was something amiss in the text as it was completely void of numbers or mathematical notation but contained some oddly worded and broken prose that seemed to have been carefully authored yet still sounded somewhat awkward. Also everyone stood puzzled by Ms. Frank's last entry after a brief and confusing passage about her love for carrot cake:

“I have a truly marvelous proof of this proposition which this margin is too narrow to contain.”

~ Anne Frank on Diary of Anne Frank

A worldwide search for an original copy began in the early 1950s. It wasn't until many years later that when cleaning out an unclaimed deposit box in the Basel annex of the Bank of Switzerland in 2002, that a banker found the complete and unabridged "Anne Frank Diary and Treatise into Complex Mathematics" complete with an instruction manual on how to cryptanalyze the diary entries. The copy currently resides in the Louvre in Paris where archeologists and mathematicians are very closely analyzing Ms. Frank's carefully written first entry, "If you want to get Rosetta Stoned," for the keys to unlock the mysteries of the Universe. But who knows how long that could take. Knowing the French they'll all have to have a croissant first.


Heinz Frank went to New York City before he became a stereotype: he invented the escalator, which he called a "macy". This device, which was intended to catch people's clothing in between the staircase and the floor, was to be sold to clothing stores. Eventually he produced several "macys" and built a store around it, named, of course, "Macy's". Unfortunately, Heinz also invented a stereotypewriter, which made him a stereotype: a hooked-nose Jewish moneylender with horns.

Greta Frank was so outraged by her husband's new found fame, that she went and left him for a small Jewish boy named Woody Allen. Woody did not want a relationship with Greta for she was not Asian and related to him, so Greta tricked Woody into impregnating her by hiding a penny up her vagina. This then lead to the birth of Barbara Streisand!

Conspiracy Theory[edit]

For years many have thought Anne Frank was still alive, post apocalypse. The truth is she is. Steven Tyler, the front man of the folk band Aerosmith, is the satanic love child of Satan and Hitler. While in hell Hitler decided to bring back Anne Frank in the form of a shitty band to forever rain hell on the earth. The only way the world can be free from this terror is if someone goes to the top of Kilimanjaro and sings "Dude Looks Like A Lady" backwards. Steven Tyler will explode and the world will be free again.

Anne Frank's Brickfilm Career[edit]

In 1945, after Anne Frank was liberated from Butlin's Concentration Camp in Bognor Regis she signed up for a seven year contract with Brickfilms, a 'B' movie studio famous for being governed entirely by Lego people.

In March 1946 Anne Frank went under the lights to star in the studio's $18.97 epic comedy (obviously titled) Anne Frank In Bricks.


  • all Jews
  • that one catholic priest

Oscar Wilde


  • somebody named Goebles (main propaganda guy)
  • Mussolini

Preceded by:
Lady Louise Windsor
Line of Succession to the British Throne
Succeeded by:
Peter Phillips

See Also[edit]