Anti-Bonzi

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A picture of what we know about Anti-Bonzi.

Just as there is an antichrist for Jesus, there is an Anti-Bonzi for Bonzi Buddy. Anti-Bonzi is said to possess great powers. Some include, but are not limited to, the following: mowing the lawn, baking chocolate chip cookies, telekinesis, burning rum, and eating crackers. It is speculated that Anti-Bonzi dwells in the core of the Earth, waiting for an opportunity to fulfill his destiny. The Anti-Bonzi passes its time waiting by honing its skills in the usage of extreme sarcasm, a well known weakness to Bonzi Buddy. Anti-Bonzi is said to have a much different appearance than Bonzi Buddy, but as nobody living has seen it, this cannot be confirmed. In The Anti-Bonzi Prophecies, a series of books written by Donald Trump in 1973, it is described that in the year 2045, Anti-Bonzi shall rise to the surface and assume complete control of the known universe. The prophecy also states that Bonzi Buddy will start an epic battle which will last 37,000 years against Anti-Bonzi. Many experts have suggested that this would completely destroy the country of Pakistan, as well as producing a massive surplus of cranberries, and naked wolves.


Summoning Anti-Bonzi[edit]

It has been hypothesized that in times of great and dire need, one who is well-versed in the art of lemonade, can summon Anti-Bonzi. In addition, the individual must prove themselves worthy through 86.32458237 tests of faith in Anti-Bonzi. It is unlikely that anyone on Earth has the qualifications as of now, but it is believed David Beckham is close. It is said in The Anti-Bonzi Prophecies that if summoned, Anti-Bonzi would throw the world into an ice age, and destroy Pluto. This, of course, would greatly anger Bonzi Buddy, as he lives on said planet. Before Bonzi Buddy could attack, Anti-Bonzi would buy out Marlboro cigarettes, and sell them to Bonzi Buddy, killing him of lung cancer and emphysema. Then, the apocalypse would occur, and Anti-Bonzi would migrate to Sweden, as the Swedes would survive the apocalyspe because of their lack of souls. The balance in the universe would then be at peace once again.

What To Do If You Ever See Anti-Bonzi[edit]

This, of course, is completely irrelevant. You can NEVER see Anti-Bonzi, as he moves at a speed of Mach-Fleventy Million miles per hour. However, if you see a flaming red object shoot out of the ground, you better run. The only place where you could possibly be safe from Anti-Bonzi is in a Burger King, as Anti-Bonzi is allergic to the Texas Whopper. If you do go to the restaurant, if you really want to live, you better buy Anti-Bonzi some goddamn curly fries, and then he just might spare you. If you're not near a Burger King, you have one choice: curl up in a fetal position and await your inevitable death. Of course suicide might be a better option, since if he likes the sound of you he might use you as his personal sex slave. He likes em when they're feisty.

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