“Come on you cunts, let's have some Aphex Acid!”
Oscar Wilde on Aphex Twit
“In Soviet Russia, drum machine takes control of you!”
Russian Reversal on Aphix Twen
Aphex Twin began her musical career on a gypsy camp in rural Hungary, where, rumour has it, the ritual beatings and whippings dispensed upon her would form the inspiration for many of the frankly ludicrous sounds she now deems fit to be included in her 'songs'.
She joined a traveling circus to escape the abuse, claiming to be a musician and hoping for a better life. When the time came for her first performance she was pelted with human faeces and bricks after just 35 seconds of 'music'. She was saved only after the Ring Master pleaded with the angry crowd and rushed the smelly Twin to safety. Upon taking her up the back passage (HA!HA! See what i did there?) he told her never to return as "Putting mentally ill children into metal bins so that they thrash about is unacceptable now matter how 'sick' the beat is, and power tools are not instruments!"
As a result of this torrid early start as a musician The Aphex Sin decided to travel to England as only the English would be dumb enough to accept something that sounds like a construction site played over a children's TV theme tune as 'art'.
Currently Arsphex Twin lives in an anechoic chamber in Chalfont St Giles and sleeps on a bed of money given to him by Mercedes Benz after he allowed
the CEO to repeatedly bugger him them to use his music in their commercial; "Drive a Mercedes...or are you a fucking gypsy bitch?"
Gag Rephlex and Friends
In 1748 Aphex Bin formed his own record label, Gag Rephlex, so named after a vicious bread of fighting Marmoset found only in the anus of Terry Wogan. Since its inception Gag Rephlex has been a hotbed of
desperately unlistenable cutting edge techno and other music designed to induce seizures.
Aphex Twat has friends. Allegedly.
One of them is purported to be Squarepusher. Another genius who seems to think that repeatedly headbutting a sequencer while dribbling into the mixing desk is how all the cool people make music nowadays.
Another is Luke Vibert. But everybody hates Luke Vibert. Even Nine Inch Nails and you've heard the shit those guys put out, right?
Finally Aphex Twin's mum is a fan, and, between me and you...I'm a fan of her! Woah shit that woman knows how to give a brother some love! Yaknowadi'mtalkinbout?!? High five bitch!
Rumours that Aphex Twin have split are false, as are rumours that they are to reform as Aphex Triplet, as are rumours that they are a "they".
Aphex Twin is such a joker! He has released loads of gumpf over the years under different names, making obtaining a complete discography for the little ginger twat an exhausting and frustrating waste of time and money. Here are a just a few of them!
- Big Fat Dune Bug
- Tetradecagon Door Frame
- I Care Because You Poo (Everywhere. Even on the sofa. It's fucking disgusting, sort it out).
- Circle of Confusion Door Frame
- I Like Flible Scamp
- Girls Aloud
- Ping Pong Goes the Shiny
- Come to Fatty
- Aphex Twin
- I Masturbate Over Sandy Totsvig
- The Toss