Apple crumb pie
Apple crumb pie is one of the seven elemental pies that were fan-baked by the universe at the dawn of time. The other elemental pies include Oreo Pie, Moon Pie, Cow Pie, Peach Pie, Pizza Pie, and Pi.
One Man, One Woman, Two Pies
The correct account of the discovery of apple crumb pie is highly debated, especially among religious officials, Scientologists, quantum botanists, and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The most widely accepted story derives from the Book of Genesis, in the pages torn out by Christian Devil's Food Cake enthusiasts and later found by Marlon Brando when he was eating an apple turnover.
As the story follows, Adam was still pissed at God for throwing him out of the Garden of Eden because Eve had to be a bitch about God's only rule. He was also quite mad at apples. For a week following his eviction, Adam fumed over what he could possibly do to teach Him (and apples) a lesson. After smoking up the last of the marijuana he had grown in the Garden, he went on a feeding frenzy in the forest. While there, he roundhouse-kicked a tree that he thought was God sneaking up on him. When several objects dropped and smacked him on the head, he was knocked unconscious. When he woke up, he found that several apples surrounded him. Later that evening, using some Splenda he stole from God, and made the first known incarnation of what is now apple crumb pie. While he rested following this discovery, Eve stole the recipe, baked it without the sugar, and invented apple pie. Eve then ran off with the idea, and using prostitution to promote her new product, made apple pie the untouchable god of dessert fruit pastries that it is today. Using the gold she gained in selling the product to the time-traveling baker Sara Lee, she reconciled with Adam and they ended up having a children as sad and amoral as themselves.
A Pie for America
After the Swiss and Azerbaijan traders started their "Slave-a-thon for America" campaign in the 1700s, many Africans moved to America to search for a better life. In the slave villages, apple crumb pies tales were told as fantasy stories for children. Some slave owners overheard these stories, and tried their hands at making these pies themselves. It did not go well at first, as they came across several recipes for fruitcake and cookies made from apples before ever making any progress. However, it was not long before Apple Crumb Mania was gripping the nation.
In 1865, at the conclusion of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln declared apple crumb pie to be the official pie of the United States of America. It is said that Lincoln was having himself a slice when he was shot by John Wilkes Boothe. Mary Todd Lincoln was apparently so upset at Boothe for ruining the delicious pie, that she hurled Lincoln's fork at him and caught him just behind the kneecap. It is believed that she laced the fork with a poison before hurling it, which caused his leg to clot and cause Boothe to drop dead a short time later, but because Mary Todd is a woman, she never got the credit she deserved. She was never the same following the incident, and began to blame all the deaths of her children on the desecration of the apple crumb pie. She kept the slice her husband died eating with her for many years, until her untimely death while shouting at a train about how it disrupted apple trees' growth. It is believed she was buried with it.
Apple Crumb Prohibition
Apple crumb pie held a place in Americans' hearts until 1935, when President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in an effort to further distract people from the Great Depression that seemed to be bumming everybody out, declared that blueberry rhubarb far surpassed the taste of apple crumb pie, and forbade any Americans from eating, buying, selling, smelling, tasting, touching or having premarital relations with apple crumb pie. As a result of this, so began the Ginormous Apple Crumb Pie Prohibition. And thus sprang up many underground apple crumb bakeries. Deliveries were done in the dead of night in unmarked cars.
The Prohibition was temporarily lifted in 1957, but was quickly reinstated when Sen. Joseph McCarthy blacklisted apple crumb pie, claiming it "promoted sharing of greater goods", which he believed to be the heart of Communism.
The Prohibition was lifted for the second and final time in 1995, when Bill Clinton declared it to be the "finest pie he had ever licked off his fingers, and I've had some sticky fingers." In 2004, Congress passed a bill into law, stating that anybody who didn't like apple crumb pie was a terrorist and a threat to American national security.
The Pie at Present
Today, Apple Crumb Pie remains a staple of the American dessert menu, often paired with vanilla or chocolate ice cream. It is a regional dessert, having many different interpretations nationwide. For instance, the traditional "apple pie with ice cream" pairing is popular in New England and throughout the Eastern seabord. In some Southern/Gulf towns, the pie is often paired with fresh cream and other fruits, such as mangoes or strawberries. In the Midwest, it is illegal in most cities for two or more different fruits to touch, so the midwestern Apple Crumb Pie usually comes with a side of grits. On the Pacific coast, there exists what is known as "California Apple Crumb Pie", which is a slice of Apple Crumb Pie with an avocado sliced on top smothered in Mozzarella Cheese and mayonnaise (Note: There is no substituting mayonnaise for Dijonnaise. This is just appalling, and it must be stopped!) One must be careful ordering this in Los Angeles as it is also the name of a recently popular sexual act involving defecation with an avocado sliced on top smothered in Mozzarella Cheese and mayonnaise.