Applesauce

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Ceiling Cat after having some applesauce.
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Apple sauce is loved by everyone in the entire world. Wars have been fought of this succulent Apple-y ambrosia of the gods. It is the most powerful substance in the known universe. My grandfather once told me that back in World War II, Hitler had re-found the secret recipe to applesauce. He slaved away over the stove with the help of Martha Stewart, but the madness consumed him. He had an entire pot full of applesauce, and with it he tried to take over the world, and the allies only won because he ran out of his applesauce.

History[edit]

Applesauce is by some believed to have come as a glob from outer space millions of years ago and most likely contributed to the extinction of the dinosaurs. Some have said that the extinction was due to an asteroid but archaeologists in the Sahara have recently discovered fossilized apple seeds that widely dispute this theory. It is now widely believed that the apple tree originated from this glob carried the first seedlings that now supply our planet with the necessity of applesauce.

Saucebomb vs. Japan

Applesauce first originated in Russia during the cold war when the mexicans were starving. First made by Prometheus, who stole it from the gods. He did this in 500 B.C. God was really pissed off about this whole thing, because he was like a chocoholic except like an acholic except like an applesaucaholic, but he was so weakened by this blow that it took quite some time for him to muster the energy to send Jesus along. Jesus did not create all of those fish to feed people, he created them so he could slap Prometheis 5,000 times with 5,000 fish. Jesus did not cure the blind, he stole their blindness to give to Prometheis. As you can see, Prometheis was in quite a fix. His only choice was to actually eat some of the apple sauce, which as soon as he took the first bite he screamed "KHAAAMEYAAAHHMEEE .... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TIME ONE THOUSAND POWER LEVELS!1!!!!!". With everything in 1,000 square miles completely incinerated except him and his applesauce, he rode off into the sunset. The presence of applesauce is all around us in the mysteries of the ancient times. The pyramids of Egypt? Certainly not aliens. Stonehenge? Scotland? The loch ness monster? Yes, it all becomes so very clear when you see the power of applesauce.

Some different types of applesauce[edit]

American applesauce[edit]

This stuff is also known as weaksauce, the dealers use way too cheap ingredients then dilute it in huge amounts of water. Its power to sauce ratio is about 18:1. 18 cups of sauce = one hole you can punch through solid brick.

British applesauce[edit]

These silly british people don't even know what real applesauce is, the only have apple jam for their toast and tea, and even if they did make apple sauce, it'd suck. And even if it didn't suck, its power/sauce ratio would be about 88:1.

YEAH RIGHT !!!!!   AT LEAST ITS NOT FULL OF SUGAR N SALT N OTHER ADDED CRAP....

Scottish applesauce[edit]

A lovely scotsman after several cups of applesauce.

Since all of Scotland was built by the power of applesauce, what do you think? How else could the movie portrail man of Braveheart be so manly, and have such huge moobs? The answer, friend, is through the power of their sauce. In recent years, its become much less formidable then it once was. I'm going to let you into a little secret about them: You know how they are always drinking that stuff called scotch? And how they say that its fired over "peat"? Guess what peat is. Ohhh yeahh... pure. apple. sauce. I'm not fucking around here. Scotlands power/sauce ratio of olde: 1:15. Scotlands power/sauce ratio of new: 1:5. Don't mess with any Scot which has a bottle with him, just don't do it. And all of that weird shit they have, like kilts and bagpipes.

Cornish Applesauce[edit]

In the ancient Celtic land of Cornwall, apple sauce is made by mixing rotting apples with sugar and placing the resultant mash into a large glass bottle. This is the gently heated for some months until it reaches an alcohol content of around 30 - 40%. A few dead mice are added, for protein, and the liquid is then ready for consumption.

  • Note: Cornish Applesauce is often known as 'cider' in other countries.
  • Note: To produce scrumpy (known as fighting juice in some countries), weasel's urine is added with the sugar.

Russian applesauce[edit]

Applesauce is one of the mainstays of the Russian government. But they like its power... almost... too much. Notice how some of Russia's rulers are particularly insane, such as, say, Ivan the Terrible. He was completely batfuck insane, but do you know why? Someone had been dipping into his "sauce" a little bit too much. One side effect of applesauce, besides immense power, is that it kind of messes with your head. Any serious consumer of applesauce won't be able to stay sane for long. Someone who's been using too much the power, hence, is called "sauced".

APPLE SAUCE ?....LOL...HELL YEAH !!!!!

SUCK My Mother fucking balls bitch!

Australian applesauce[edit]

This 'mates have some really interesting things in their applesauce, such as kangaroo. And Kuwala bears. And crocodiles. And that silly accent of theirs. Sometimes they add a bit to their beer and start working on odd things, like the Sydney opera house, or a rocket powered beer cooler... pretty much any weird stuff the Aussie's have ever made, which would be everything the Aussie's have ever made.

Dutch applesauce[edit]

De appelmoes werd hier uitgevonden.

Chile Gold Applesauce[edit]

This applesauce was created in the Inca city of gold. It was then eaten by Juan "Dirty" Sanchez, who then feasted on the hearts of the Spaniards. The power/sauce ratio is not nearly the strength of other sauces, but it will make your penis larger and your doo-doo gold. Also it will let you pull off the angry dragon to nasty nate to dirty sanchez to a Houdini curtains finisher (one hell of a sex combo).

People who have drunk pure applesauce[edit]

  • Chuck Norris. It was applesauce which taught him how to roundhouse kick.
  • Vin Diesel. It was applesauce which taught him to make things explode for no reason.
  • The Internet. The Internet created itself after consuming a healthy amount of applesauce.
  • Mr. T. It taught him to pity fools.
  • Anonymous. It taught him to not forgive.
  • Captain Picard. It taught him how to be a real captain.
  • Einstein. It taught him mega-smarts.
  • Oscar Wilde. Duh.
  • Geddy Lee. It made him the Destroyer of Worlds.
  • Ron Jeremy. Think about it.

How to obtain true, pure applesauce[edit]

  • You must beat a grue to death with a thimble and your feet tied together.
  • You must speak with an ancient dragon who will think you are an enemy.
  • You must smelt down several quantities of awesomesauce.
  • You must obtain the essence of leetsauce.
  • You must get anonymous to forgive you.
  • You must take an apple from the garden of Eden, and pulverize it with Thor's mighty hammer.
  • You can not bathe while completing any of the tasks.

Once you have done all these tasks, you will be covered with only the thickest, purest, and most powerful applesauce to grace the earth in thousands of years. You musn't touch the applesauce though, because that will activate it all at once destroying 1/10 of the entire universe. Using a shovel made of frozen applejuice (extremely dangerous, also) you must scrape it from your body and place it into a bucket made of frozen applejuice within a bucket made of frozen wine within a bucket made of frozen grape juice within a bucket of intertwined grapes within a bucket of shotguns. Only then, can you take a teaspoon of applesauce and feel power. The power to sauce ratio of pure applesauce is 1:100,000.

This is what happens when you and your buddies have a little bit too much sauce.

Faxts![edit]

-Applesauce Is also when you purposely judo chop someone in the neck REALLY frigging hard

-Side effects include speaking like a dumb hillbilly, prime example above.

Some different types of sauce[edit]

  • Teh pwnsauce - A variation of applesauce, used for pwning over the internets.
  • The leetsauce - A variation of pwnsauce, gives you infinite internet skills.
  • Awesomesauce - Makes you awesome.
  • Gaysauce - Makes you like men.
  • Gangstasauce - One hundred percent likely to make you a Gangster(or a wangster)
  • Mansauce - Heh. I think you know what I mean, if you know what I mean. Which you do.

Things applesauce can do[edit]

  • Applesauce can bring all the boys to the yard.
  • Applesauce can divide by zero.
  • Applesauce knows you want it. Bad.
  • Applesauce can hack into EBSCOhost.
  • Applesauce can go invisabol.
  • Sauce of apple can use time as colors. How stylish!
  • Applesauce is the cause of Bat Fuck insanity