April Wine

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April Wine pictured after lifting the Soviet siege of Kandahar by releasing the album Animal Grace, 1984

April Wine are a group of Canadian assassins that are also known for producing some of the only truly good rock music to come out of Canada. The band, led by international arms smuggler Myles Goodwyn, is believed to have masterminded the assassinations of Robert F Kennedy, Yitzhak Rabin and Babar, King of the Elephants, among others; however, Goodwyn is simply too intimidating for law enforcement to ever dare question. 1977’s ‘Forever For Now’ is believed to contain complete directions for finding the earthly remains of another victim, former Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa, if played backwards on a 1969 Sears-Roebuck floor unit record player.

They are most famous for inadvertently causing the Soviet Union’s invasion of Afghanistan in 1979; suffering from the Kremlin’s ban on Western rock music, a Soviet garrison near the Afghan border heard a bunch of Pashtuns rocking out in the middle of nowhere to April Wine’s then-recently released “Harder...Faster” album. They immediately rushed across the border and Moscow had no choice but to mount a full scale invasion of Afghanistan, which was initially successful but met with unexpectedly fierce resistance when the Afghans were reinforced by the release of further April Wine albums ‘Nature of the Beast’, ‘Power Play’ and ‘Animal Grace’.

After a brief hiatus in the late 1980s and 1990s, the members of April Wine, enraged by the absolute shittiness of music coming out of their Canadian base of operations, reformed and hit the road; an attempt to eliminate all members of Our Lady Peace in one fell swoop failed when the Ice Storm of 98 hit Ontario and Quebec. They continue to play to this day, with many fans amazed at the longevity of 374-year old drummer Jerry Mercer; he attributes his own ability to keep going to having eaten most members of mid-90s shit-rock band Moist.

In recent years, the band has come under fire for their massive contributions to the global warming effect, owing to the huge amounts of energy consumed by their live show. Asked for comment, band leader Goodwyn produced a switchblade and bought a plot for the inquiring reporter. Press coverage has been sparse at best ever since, but the Wine just keeps on rockin’.


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