Aqua Mariner

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Aqua Mariner (Namor McKenzie) was an Amalgam Comics character, and a moody, miserable superhero from Atlantis. Unlike Aquaman, Aqua Mariner is not really one of the worst superheroes, he's just a miserable old bastard with no friends. He first appeared in Marine Mystery #1 in 1930.

He thinks he's cool cuz he's swimming with an ax

Character History[edit]

Birth[edit]

Aqua Mariner's gay ripoff Aquaman suit from the 1940s

Born in Atlantis as the prduct of a love triangle between Greg Louganis, a pussy cat and Diane Keaton, Aqua Mariner grew up around Atlantis prancing around in spandex unashamedly, and was a big fan of Roger Rabbit as a child, but was always treated like shit by others because he always wore an orange string-vest that made him look like a fisherman.

Teenage Years[edit]

When Aqua Mariner left the Atlantean School of Swimming, Mariner fell in love with The Little Mermaid, and had a good relationship with her. When they were due to be married, she was caught by Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, who was fishing nearby, and put on display in Disneyland. Angry, Aqua Mariner swam to the surface and began to attack Disneyland from within, disguising himself as a tourist.

World War Two[edit]

Aqua Mariner put his attacks on ice for a while when World War Two broke out. Though he'd freed his lover, she'd run off with Donald Duck. Heartbroken, Aqua Mariner was stuck on land with no(cock) way back to the sea. Reluctantly, he formed part of the All-Star Winners Squadron during the war alongside other Amalgam Comics characters, such as American Belle, Super Soldier and Human Lantern.

As the war progressed, Aqua Mariner used his knowledge of the oceans to help the Squadron disable any invading U-Boats and to cause trouble with enemy shipping. Besides that, he was quite useless on the team, and when Super Soldier disappeared in 1944, Aqua Mariner was the first to leave, and the Squadron was disbanded.

The 1960's[edit]

Returning to Atlantis, Aqua Mariner found that his home had been demolished to make way for a coral freeway to Australia. Embittered, he returned to the surface once again, having nowhere else to go. The character wasn't seen again until 1978, when he joined the Judgement League: Avengers alongside Dark Claw, his old partner Super Soldier and Iron Lantern.

The Justice Society[edit]

Soon, Aqua Mariner left the JLA. He was angry because Angelhawk stole his sea cookie. He happened to find out that his father was planning on tunring the world gay with the Gayatron. Namor teamed up with George Lazenby, Daniel Craig, Jennifer Lopez, Rocky Balboa, and Judge Reinhold to defeat this menace. Thus, the Justice Society was born.

Controversy[edit]

He caused controversy when he said the army was for fags and he got into a huge (butthole) fight with R. Lee Ermey, Chuck Norris, and George W. Bush. He ended up killing Norris (who spontainiously regenerated and congratulated Namor before going home) and Ermey and went back to the sea.

Aqua Mariner executing Chuck Norris and R. Lee Ermey

He returned in 1996 leading the mutant ripoffs JLX. He now had black hair and decided to kill Bill Clinton. Clinton was having sex with some girl when Mariner burst in and beheaded him.

What the hell? Since when did he have black hair

Marriage[edit]

He got married to Jessica Simpson, then Jessica Alba, then Angela Lansbury, and finally Elizabeth Taylor.

Success or Failure?[edit]

To begin with, Aqua Mariner had a big fan-base because he had a hell of a lot of muscles and a dick like a Dinosaur. But after the first five issues, people grew tired of seeing some human fish complaining about bumping his head on the undersides of ships whenever he surfaced, or how he' spent his weeks wages buying band aids when he swam in the path of fishing lines.

By 1996, sales had slumped to an all-time low since the series began. Although not as bad as Lobo the Duck, Aqua Mariner was likened unfavourably to other superheroes like The Pope, Dark Claw and Superman. Oscar Wilde famously spoke of Aqua Mariner in his article Cartoons and Comics:

I created Roger Rabbit to make people laugh and he was a success...Amalgam Comics created Aqua Mariner just to make people miserable...to be blunt, Aqua Mariner is simply a cranky old man mixed with Plan 1 from Outer Space and a pinch of Bea Arthur...

Others later agreed with Wilde. Bea Arthur herself once claimed to use Aqua Mariner comics as toilet paper Cos they're more absorbent, and Lindsay Lohan stated that the only use for an issue of Aqua Mariner was to keep the draft out.

Amalgam Comics soon cancelled the series when all this became apparent, and after receiving threats from toilet-paper companies who were losing money.

Cartoon Series[edit]

When the comic-strips finished in 1997, Mariner starred in his own cartoon series. Prince Namor the Aqua-Man, in an attempt to follow the success of the Dark Claw cartoons. Unlike the disastrous Iron Lantern series, the cartoon had a minor success, though this was because Peter Jennings was doing the voice of Aqua Mariner. The series lasted for 30 episodes between 1997 and 1998 before being pulled off the air for better-quality stuff.

Enemies[edit]

Aqua Mariner has only (one ball) a few actual enemies because he hates everyone and so proper' enemies in his strips are rare as he categorises anybody on the surface as his enemy, but below after a few who really are his enemies on purpose.