|Evolves from||Chaos, Egg Mew|
|Evolves toAAAAAAAAA||??? or AAAAAAAAA!?|
|Type||All of 'em|
|Height||Far too large to be anything short of godly|
|Weight||Far too fat to be anything short of obese|
|Ability||God pwn of finality|
|Next Pokémon||5th gen Bulbasaur|
|Previous Pokémon||Shaymin, soon to be Darkrai after Shaymin dies from exposure to Arceus|
Arceus aka llama god
Arceus (Japanese: アルセウス) is Darn sexy and you know it. He is the great homosexual/godly-llama-type legendary Pokémon of the Pokémonist Religion. He somehow evolved from an egg in a bunch of nothing, because everyone knows llamas lay eggs and is currently the final Pokémon in the National Pokédex, because production of Pokémon cards is slowly and painfully destroying our world like a bad case of gas. Arceus is known as "The Original One," and is really big headed about it. It is said that it created the universe and the lake trio, the single most gay things in the world.
The only known way to summon Arceus is by playing his favourite song, 'it's raining men', so loudly on a flute that it can be heard on the other side of the universe, or up a flight of REALLY big stairs. As of 2008, Arceus was the only Pokémon not to be officially revealed by Nintendo, due to everyone getting the munchies half way through. Arceus can also change his type by holding different items of Tupperware. and dem the facts
Life and work
Arceus created the universe and then went to sleep for some reason. What more do you want? Well according to Uncyclopedia MUCH more so here it goes...
After his birth from the egg of mystery and destruction etc...Arceus had a wank and passed two great kidney stones: The butch dildo man penis Palkia and the retarded dinosaur Dialga. Then Giratina the huge tape worm came in from somewhere and ruined many theories. Including this one. Anyway, Arceus shat out the Lake Trio pixies, who, in turn, created some things that no one really seem to care about. Arceus now sleeps, although his power whilst sleeping remains almighty, as he made sure not to eat too much cheese before napping. Arceus has an estranged daughter that was the result of a quickie behind a chip shop with an Aardvark, when she was born he saw her and said "HOLY S**t!!!!!!", vomited then bite her on the arm, said daughter was adopted by two humanoid Aardvarks and thus she became DW Read, the bitch sister to Arthur Read, Arceus never saw her again saying "I have no daughter!" whenever said subject was brought up.
|This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
- Arceus' signature move, "Judgement", is in fact a bunch of people shining torches in the face the opponent. Despite this, the announcer absolutely shits himself when it is used.
- Arceus definitely does not have 1000 arms.
- Arceus is, in fact, God of all pokemon, which is, in the end, the reason why you are all on the internet at the moment. That's right, mr. furry porn.
- Arceus has a very droll sense of humour, in that he finds old people falling over funny, which is why he created the concept of old people falling over.
- Arceus wrote all the Harry Potter Books
- The Chinese got pissed off that Arceus is similar to some some chinese god called Pingu or something.
- Arceus also starred in the hit tv show Friends. Many people thought it was actually Brad Pitt, but we all know, Brad Pitt would never go anywhere near Jennifer Aniston, preferring to spend his time around big lipped assassins that are better actors than him.
- "Hung like an Arceus" was a phrase copyrighted in 2009.
- Arceus's vagina alone created South America.
- Arceus is straight, bisexual, gay, hereosexual, metrosexual and pan sexual as well as god
Here are a list of quotes said to be spoken by Arceus:
- "Don't make me open up a can of wupp-Arse-us on you!"
- "I created the universe, what have YOU done this morning???"
- "Can you smell what Arceus is cooking?!"
- "Can you handle the pressure of Arse-us?"
The Cult of The Womb And The Death of Mew The Cowardly
In 2007, a bunch of 12 year olds developed a ridiculous theory of the 'true' Pokemon God. Ancient legend states that a 10 foot tall white llama created universe, and yet somehow, Mew, the psychic, overly camp pig embryo was confused as the true Pokemon lord. The "cult of the womb" then began to form. After seven years, the cult had gained control of three quarters of the earth's population and seven eighths of it's pokemon. The real animals couldn't really give less of a shit. A creul and dictatatorial capitalist dictatoring dictatorship had taken over, and the true pokegods of olde got MAD. Palkia, Dialga, Giratina and the lake trio put aside their differences. Restrictions were made. Palkia and Dialga began cutting off the cult's space and time. Giratina and the pixies then began cutting off their dimensions and their supplies of all things gay. Living in literally nothing, the cult gave in. Many people were slaughtered by Arceus' enraged sleeping bowel movement and the dark lord Mew was sentenced to have 17 digletts shoved up his ass. No one dared make up such a stupid-ass theory ever again.
Arceus, due to his current residence on top of the Spear Pillar (and in the DS of many a vile, disgusting, cheating piece of scum) is yet to appear in Pokemon anime or Pokemon movies.. Yet the upcoming Pokemon movie: "The rise of a villain, eventual rise of a hero, defeat of Ash, calming of the villain by some sort of song and the victory of ash through friendship and love" holds promise for Arceus, who is outraged that Pokemon movies about a telekinetic cat, a load of huge pigeons, an equally huge turkey a bunch of 'dead' dogs and a bunch of drugged up squeaky letters, an onion, two funky jet planes who are allegedly the messiahs, an extremely gay dwarf with a star on his head and a giant mutated Denis the menace, a spastic octopus VS a giant whippy thing, a badger wearing blue shorts with lumps of various elements and yet another fucking time paradox producing cat, a fucking kick ass huge whale and it's sperm, Arceus's bitches vs nightmarish emo pervert AND a huge tape worm vs A green Sonic the Hedgehog "yet another gay" thing have been made before his movie. Arceus also maintains that he will "judgement the face off any more Pokemon that usurp his appearance."
(Also notice that Palkia is one of two not included in this subliminal message, meaning he is going to be the Evil bad guy that tries to destroy the universe and generally Spacial Rend any good guy into oblivion; the other is Giratina, who ironically is one Arceus doesn't like.)
On Your 8-Bit Cartridge
Many people criticize Arceus's appearance in the games, yet all of these people are pathetic 12 years olds who know nothing about the various aspects of Pokemon training and are only interested in the shiny attacks.
After the pre-battle tintinnabulation is completed, please stare in pure, unadulterated horror and ominous presentiment at what is unequivocally the best and most versatile Pokémon in the game. Dare not incur Arceus' divine wrath, or else the consequences shall be severe and merciless, and life shall become an evanescent wisp.
Level-up AttacksA good moveset for Arceus would be:
- 1. Self-destruct
- 2. Explosion
Because if he never existed, you wouldn't either.
Palkia carries the honor of being the first being to be wanked out by the Lord Arceus, however, after doing just that, Arceus was so disgusted with the gigantic Purple, Armour-clad dildo creature that he discarded Palkia and instead made Dialga the dinosaur Doggy ruler of the world. Palkia then went into his bedroom and proceeded to play a Grand Theft Auto III and wii bowling tournament by himself. This made Arceus laugh so much that he shat out 3 pixies. Arceus made only a small group of beings, to avoid being hunted down by angry Christians who saw him as 'Too bloody godly.'
Dialga is a seriously retarded dinosaur. It's not even funny anymore. He created time and has hence been hunted down by millions of paradox haters, all of whom have been eaten, shat out and then blasted into oblivion by Arceus. He is much more popular than Palkia amongst Arceus and Pokefans as he is much less evil and much less of a penis respectively.
Commonly known as the Goth Tapeworm Pokemon, Giratina is a parody of Rayquaza and Satan. who came about when Arceus had a sour taco and had to use a brutal amount of laxitives to get the bricks out. Giratina was later kicked into another dimension by Arceus due to his frequent scraping of his anus along the carpet. Using all his godly wit and power, Arceus jammed a chair into the door handle of the inter-dimensional portal, which as of 2021, has proved successful in keeping Giratina in his place.
Definitive proof that elves should never take LSD
Made for TV Movie
Arceus directed and starred in his very own made for TV movie entitled "Greg, My Friend". In it, he meets a mentally retarded farmer named Greg. Greg teaches Arceus that life is beautiful and wondrous. At the end of the movie, Greg is shot by a sniper who was aiming for Anthony Carmine. Arceus is so freaking p.o.ed that he creates AIDS. This movie received an unheard of "negative two stars out of five". Arceus became severely depressed afterwards and spent a six month downward spiral into drug abuse and polka dotted miniskirts. He eventually was brought out of it by his best friend and grandaughter Norm MacDonald.
A Final Word...
Contradictory to what this article may say, Arceus is in fact, and always will be, the single most orgasmically powerful thing ever to exist in all of time and in every single reality, dimension or universe.
No matter what you may read, witness or STUPIDLY EDIT. Arceus is able to cause the instant death and send-to-hell of every single creature in existence with a single bowel movement. Arceus is one of those things that makes you gawp because of the awesome lightning aura around it. Walking up Arceus' stairs will cause an immediate wank/piss. Worship him, love him, have a place in his arms, a place in his heart, a place where the porn is free of pop-ups or fees, a place where wedgies do not plague those who sit for more than an hour in the same spot, a place where you're not judged for that scar on the underside of your pathetic, wrinkly penis....Heaven.
|-||Golden Finger Nail Strike|
|18||Terraform a planet to T3|
|36.5||What? Where am I? How did I get here? Get me outta here!|
|39||Death tentacle rape|
|40||Extremely Long and Loud Bad Fart That You Could Hear and Smell on Jupiter. Which reminds me, I was once lying on my back with my laptop on my soon-to-be-a-beer-belly *I'm only 14* and I did a fart and I swear, I had to FORCE it to stop. True Story, I swear.|
|62||Spunk in the face|
|90||Godly universal destruction|
|100||Extreme racial genocide|
|101||Breakage of every bone in the body and eatage of the remaining flesh after being cut up in to small chunks by extreme mind power|
|200||The Apocalyptic Big Crush|
|Eleventy-Twelve||Shoop da Whoop (Requires you to charge your lazer for the next three turns, but has already killed the trainer and all other pokémon in the universe, even the ones which are allegedly aliens, which makes very little sense as pokémon would have evolved locally, unless they finally decided to shoot Eevee out into space one day, making Eevee evolve into whatever other crap pokémon supposedly came from space, including Staryu. Seriously, what were they thinking when they reasoned that a giant starfish is a better idea than, say, a THIRD huge butterfly?.)|
|Lame Nintendo-Event Only||Creation|
|Pokémon:||Charmander - Grue - Hyundai - Ling-Ling - Meowth - Mew - Mudkip - Pichu - Pikachu - Poliwag - Snorlax - Teh Cheat - Towelie - Wobbuffet - Torchic - Yoshi|
|People:||Ash - Brock - Herman Cain - Max - Pokemon Kid - Team Rocket|
|Locations:||Glitch City - Pokemon Island|
|Other:||Pikachusetts - Windows FireRed/LeafGreen - Anime series - 100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins - UnNews Pokémon Indonesia Special - Christian Symbology - Pokemon card - Gotta Catch 'Em All|