Are You Being Served?

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A contestant who's in the lead can make his opponent huff a black pussy, which might bring him bad luck. This poster shows a celebrity contestant promoting the show in an outrageous costume.
Cquote1.png I'm very proud of my Minge Cquote2.png

—Sir Mhaille, Uncyclopedia author, about the show's influence on his work.

Are You Being Served? was an annual British televised kitten huffing competition. The show was a talent contest to decide the best new young kitten huffer, or 'pussy fondler', in the United Kingdom, based on viewer voting and participation. The show used actual kittens at first, which led to heavy criticism, given the fact that the animals were often whipped by the proffetional pussywhipper Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, just before the shootings. Starting its tenth season the show began using only artificial pussies that could be run using a simple mouse. After ten seasons the show was adopted into the feature film The Vagina Monologues.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Are You Being Served?.

The show started from an idea to make a cannibalistic reality show that would take place, like the movie Cannibal Holocaust, in a South American rain forest. This was the source for the title Are You Being Served?. After further developments the show became of a more pornographic nature, with a goal to find the best person in the kingdom to give oral sex. BBC had issues with both of these versions.

Finally, as a result of the fact that most of the BBC executives were pussy-owners, creator Ricky Gervais came up with the kitten huffing idea, combining the two original ideas (a contest of consuming a living creature, but not a human and not orally).

Game rules[edit]

Are You Being Served? host, Clitoris "Slow Comb" Bigpussy.

The contestants had to snatch the pussy (sometimes a Beaver or a Minge) from one another, huffing as many as they can, with the first prize being a fair chance to become a member of the Canberra University Netball Team, or a brand new Vulva. The welfare of the pussies were to be checked regularly: If a pussy was to become too wet or bloody, it would be fed with a plug of cotton. The pussy's lips and paws (mainly the pads) were to be checked also.

A contestant had a chance to shave the pussy he's about to huff; Barbara Bush chose to shave her pussy during one of the Celebrity Specials. Some pussies even tended to release specific odors by burping at the most unexpected moments, As was the case with Queen Elizabeth at the Royal Special of the show. A pussy might have, in extreme cases, also scratched the contestant, which could be another reason for shaving it. If a pussy was too tight to perform, it could be replaced by one of the older pussies, which are usually more relaxed.


A spin-off for the show, Are You Being A Chicken?, aired shortly after the original show was over. This show's goal was to discover the cockiest person in Britain. Each contestant had to brag about himself, and do bold and cocky stuff, to prove his cockyness. Sometimes a contestant would even have his knee cocked and his cock kneed at the same time. The ultimate test was usually a grand cock fight, also known as penis-fencing.

See also[edit]