Armagetron

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Armagetron Advanced
Designers Z-Man, He-Man, Manfred Mann
Genre 3rd Person Racing
Version 0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.2.8.0.1b
System Requirements 512kb of RAM, 200 Megahertz CPU, 128 bits Video card, No life.
Unavailable on Platform(s) Windows Vista, Windows 2000, Windows 98, Windows 95, Mac, Linux, Xbox, Xbox360, PSX, PS2, PS3, PSP, Gameboy, Game Boy Advance, Game Boy Color, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, etch a sketch, Sega Saturn, Amiga 1200, Pen and Paper.
Available on Platform(s) Windows XP
Number of Players 342
Percentage of Players that are Female 0.004%
Age of players 15 to 15 and a half
Average Hours Spent playing 21 Hours a day

“WD, No Points!”

~ Annoying people on Armagetron

“OMG Holer noob!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Armagetron

“Are you the Real Player 1?”

~ Player 1 on Player 1


Otherwise known as: "Armagetron "Remember the film Tron? you do, the 80s movie where he goes inside a computer. Yes that's the one. Well remember the bit with the bikes? That's what this game is kind of like" Advanced" for short.

Armagetron is a freeware 1D/2D/3D online multiplayer bike driving game in which your bike or "cycle" creates walls behind it. You use these walls to kill your opponents like in the Movie Tron, remember the flim tron? no? oh well. The game is available to download worldwide but it is only available to play in 2 countries, America and Europe.

It can be downloaded completely free of charge, at no cost for free here (credit card needed).

A typical non-stop action scene in Armagetron Advanced


Controls[edit]

  • Left
  • Right

There is also a brake, but to even mention the use of the brake means you are a complete noob and will be Banned from the Internet.


Multiple Keys[edit]

With the small number of controls available, Armagetron players have developed a system that lets them use many different keys for the same action. For the simple reason of keeping their fingers occupied. It is not uncommon for veteran players to use 13 or 14 keys for each left and right Action. It has even been reported that one player attempted to use one whole keyboard for left and one whole keyboard for right; although this is unconfirmed (but would be PRO).

You also have to bind a key to say you're a noob. You'll need this key often.


Game Modes[edit]

  • Normal: In Normal mode 20+ players move around an arena aimlessly trying to kill each other; with no luck. Normal games can often go on for days.
  • High Rubber: 4 $P!|\| 0phph ph®0/¥\ (£4$$!( P£4¥, 7}{!$ 64/¥\37¥P3 !$ $00 £337 0|\|£¥ P£4¥3®$ \V/}{0 (4|\| \V/®!73 !|\| !7'$ £337 £4|\|6µ463 (4|\| P£4¥.
  • Fortress: In Fortress there are 2 teams of players who use their walls to build fortresses resembling Medieval castles, complete with Turrets, Moats, Boiling Oil and Peasant Hangings. The team that builds the most historically accurate representation of a 14th century Northern European Castle wins and gets 10 points.
  • Sumo: Sumo Mode consists of the 2 very fattest Armagetron players, being put in a ring and made to fight to the death in a winner-stays-on style. This is considered the best way to combat obesity in Armagetron and the USA of America have developed a similar system.
  • Capture the Flag: CTF is a mode in Armagetron played exclusively by children and women. It is so easy I won't even bother explaining it.
  • Dog Fight: This is a fast playing mode. All kids 5 and under play it. you get a shit load of rubber but you are not able to dig.
  • Snake Fight: This mode converts your cycles into snakes. the first one to eat all other snakes wins.
  • Tiger Woods 2008: TW 2008 mode plays exactly like the popular EA Sports golf game, but with better graphics.


Clans[edit]

As with many other Online games, when the male population of a game finally succumbs to the inevitable homosexuality, they decide to form clans. Clans in Armagetron are exclusively made up of the very best talent the game has to offer and to join a clan is a near impossible task for a newcomer or Noob due to presence of a social life.

So How do I Join a Clan?

The international standard of choosing a new clan member involves putting 3 potential applicants in a room with a female and the one that starts to cry first, is let into clan. Good luck.

Which clans are there for me to join?

Luckily in Armagetron there are more clans than players, so picking one that's best for you should be a doddle.

some of the most notable ones include:

  • Super Cool Best Friends with the tag LOVE a bunch of like minded middled aged men looking for friendship with young boys.
  • A Really Super Gathering of Angry Yeomen With the tag ARSGAY Current runners-up of the Soup Spoon Championship.
  • French with the tag FR are often accused of running away from other players.
  • Vietnam Veterans with Venereal Diseases with the tag VVVD often heard saying "YOU weren't there man, you weren't there!" and itching.
  • The Krazy Kool Kats (now banned from Armagetron for their extreme views).
  • We R the best clan ever omg wtf hahah pwnt with the tag TWATS are the coolest clan who everybody loves.
  • Central united noob team servers ,as yet they have not thought of a tag (suggestions welcomed)

Servers[edit]

If you don't have any friends, you don't need to find a server. Just play alone you loser. If you don't have a life, you can try to make virtual friends while playing Armagetron Advanced on the the public servers.

The hard part is to make a choice. Currently, there are 10,000,002 servers, with about 2% of that actually have players online. There are also 3 servers on the moon. They are the one with the best ping.

Losers sort the servers by users or use ircbots to know where they can find people. Winners sort servers by name and try every single one of them until they find someone alive.

If you're a girl, you will be required to give your email or im id at least 42 times per round.


Soup Spoon Championship[edit]

Naming convention for tournaments, from smallest in player count to highest.

The major event in the Armagetron calendar is the now legendary Soup Spoon Championship. International TV coverage on ESPN last November reached viewing figures in excess of last year's Superbowl and World Series combined.

The Soup Spoon Championship or Soup Spoon Championshi for short, involves 1024 Armagetron Teams made up of between 43 and 47 players each. In the first round, each team plays every other team 5 times, in matches lasting a minimum of 11 hours. The top 996 teams go through to the second round where they must play each other a further 14 times each.

Eventually, 3 months later, the 2 best teams will go through to the 121st round (the Final), where they must play each other until one player from either team dies of dehydration or starvation, declaring the oposing team the winners. Please note that any other forms of death during this time do NOT count as a result; as ruled in the 2005 championship when 39 players from the team "Team Voldermort" committed suicide after 2.83 seconds, and were disqualified under what is now known as the 'Michael Hutchence' ruling. The winner does not actually win any money, regardless of how many billions of dollars the tournament receives from advertising, but instead are awarded a bronze certificate for "25 meters swimming".

Oddly, the same team has won every single Soup Spoon Championshi, Team EG0, consisting of the 45 very best Armagetron players in the world. In order to completely destroy any other teams that dare to dream of having "fun" within an online game tournament, Team EGO have set out to prove to the world that they are the absolute best players in the world and none of the other teams have any skill whatsoever, lolznubs. When asked why they don't "Just form a clan?" a spokesperson for the Egotists said "Lolz, clans are fo n00bs, we are a group of people who play together. duh."

Player Ranks[edit]

How to spot a Noob The top player is a noob, the bottom player isn't. Take note.

With the lack of any meaningful way of knowing who is better than who, the players of Armagetron have come up with an unofficial ranking system of players according to their skill level.

  • NOOOOOOOOOOOB to Noob: The worst of all players. Noob's are rated with an 'o' rating, the more 'o's in the word noob, the worser they are. Also note the severity of the caps lock.
  • Not bad: For players that aren't bad.
  • Who??? oh him, yeah he's good: For players that you often forget, but who are quite good.
  • Owns: someone who Owns is an unstoppable 2D/3D bike driving machine !!! fear him etc.
  • Like a Japanese school kid on amphetamines: Someone described in this manner, is practically unbeatable at any computer game.
  • Stephen Hawkin's Voice Box: The absolute epitome of skill in Armagetron. A player so good it's as if he is playing using the straw that Stephen Hawkins uses to talk with.


Polls[edit]

Don't ask. Kick everyone polled. Even (especially) if it's you... NOOB !


Version History[edit]

The elusive "Right" turn here. Image was flipped to make it look like a left turn.

After watching the movie Tron in 1987, the development team began work on Armagetron version 0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.1a for the ZX Spectrum. The game was completely 1 dimensional and involved a dot, moving in a straight line. From the very beginning the game's similarity with the movie was unparalleled, it was terrible.

In early 2003, the team completed the version 0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.4d for Windows 3.1, the game allowed the player to only turn Left (the innovative "Right" turn wasn't implemented until October 2004) and although 3.42 million people downloaded it in the first month of release, it was a huge flop.

When the current version 0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.2.8.0.1b was released in mid 2007, players where finally able to play online against each other, sometimes up to 3 people at a time could play together at once (any more and the server's become unplayable).

The Next version 0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.2.8.0.2a is planned to be released for December 21, 2012, although the date is said to be an optimistic view and in reality it is already "Way behind schedule" according to insiders.

The Development Team[edit]

  • Z-man

There are probably others who helped him, but we can't list their names here for legal reasons. The Armagetron In-Development Staff (AIDS for short) formed in 1983 at a Star Wars convention, little did they know that their shared love for Sci-Fi films would eventually lead to them collaborating on one of PC Gamer's top 50,000 freeware games of all time; reaching a dizzying 43,213th position.

The Armagetron developers are unique in the gaming world, in that none of them have ever played the game that they dedicated their lives to create. Although they post hundreds of thousands of times a week on the Armagetron forum you will NEVER see any of them playing online. If you were to see one of the developers actually playing Armagetron, be very wary as this was one of the harbingers of the apocalypse as mentioned in the Bible. They're typically cocky, arrogant little sods who will stop at nothing to make your life a miserable hell.

The Armagetron forums[edit]

Scientists have proved that internet forums are the most sarcastic place in the entire universe. Even so, Armagetron's community forum stands head and shoulders above any other forum for it's sarcasm and general helpfullessness.

Unsuspecting newcomers to the forum will innocently post an extremely simple question for the veteran Armagetron players to answer, who will only respond in strange codes. These codes could be something like "LOLZ idiot" or "hahah who's this moron?" or the famous "LOOK AT THE FUCKING WIKI YOU RETARD". When deciphered, you will find that they all mean the same thing:

“I'm 33, bald and live with my parents, don't you think I have enough problems in life? why should I waste my precious time helping you change your video settings when I could be watching porn or crying myself to sleep.”

~ Anyone who has ever posted on The Armagetron Forums

Thus explaining the unhelpful sarcastic nature of the board.


The Armagetron Wiki[edit]

The Armagetron Wiki was originally designed by the development team as a way of collecting consumer data for their advertisement websites. However, it quickly evolved into one huge practical joke that confused, baffled and discombobulated anyone who tried to read it.

Rather than being a helpful tool that is used to educate new players on how to play and use Armagetron, it contains absolutely no credible/true/helpful/interesting information, in it's 400+ articles. The "edit" button, popular with many wiki sites was disabled by the FBI in December 2006. This was a counter measure to stop the moderators from seeking out anyone who dared to write something helpful and ironically castrating them with a Soup Spoon.

Here is a link to the wiki = [LINK REMOVED BY FBI]


Religion in Armagetron[edit]

A homosexual playing Armagetron, getting lost. Confirming the Pope's Views.

Armagetron, like all freeware games, is full of religious controversy. Pope John Paul Gautier VIII often praised Armagetron for it's obvious representation of the plight of Jesus Christ (The Light Cycles representing the nails in his hands and the noobs representing the Romans); Unfortunately his Holiness has also used Armagetron as a vehicle to voice his views on homosexuality, saying:


“They have no sense of direction, in Life, or in 2D/3D 3rd person Racing games such as Armagetron. Bless Thee”

~ The Pope on The Gays


Many Muslim clerics believe the game is symbolic of allah's will and have praised the game, although renaming your player Mohammed will still result in a fatwa. Screaming fundamentalist Bond Villain Abu Hamza famously cut his own hands off and replaced them with hooks, just because someone jokingly told him that only Noobs use hands, and all the best players use hooks. Osama bin Laden even mentioned Armagetron in one of his Post 9/11 videos. stating:


“I always liked the Film Tron and always thought the bit with the bikes would make a really good freeware PC game. Death to the infidels!!!”

~ Osama Bin Laden on Armagetron


Perhaps the most controversial religion regarding Armagetron is Hinduism. There was an organised 20 million man march in October 2007 claiming that when a player dies, they must return as a different being (not as another bike), according to how well the player is ranked on the server. Good players would come back to life as a ferrari or a fighter jet, Noobs would return as a snail or a small child in an electric wheelchair or something.

But arguably the most famous incident comes from a message picked up by sputnik which is now well out of our solar system,stating that z man has been held entirely responsable for the complete economic collapse of the altaris system and all nearby galaxies,the reason for this statement is still unclear But to avoid any confusion a reply has been sent from z mans legal team stating that a 30.000.000 ping was totally unacceptable and so entry to ladle 25 would not be granted. and should reach the altaris system in approximately 20.000 light years,leap years included.

Celebrity Armagetron Players[edit]

  • Amy "Not gonna go to rehab , NO NO NO. Now in Rehab" Winehouse
  • Paul "Star of the Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift" Walker
  • Vin "Is he black? I think so" Diesel
  • Mel "Aussie Christian Scotsman" Gibson
  • Tom "Not gay, completely heterosexual, Woman Loving Scientologist" Cruise
  • John "Even straighter than Tom Cruise and definitely not gay Scientologist" Travolta
  • Chris "Roly Poly Unfunny man" Moyles
  • Jeremy "Fat, lanky, no dress sense, curly haired right winger" Clarkson
  • Rowlf "The dog out of the muppets that plays the piano"