Arnold, Nottingham

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“I went there Christmas shopping for my son, Jesus. Some chav suggested getting him the adhesive, "No more nails”

~ God on Arnold


~ Chav on Arnold

“Didn't someone get raped there recently? Oh, stabbed? Potato tomato, it's all the same.”

~ God on Arnold

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Official Languages: Tramp, Chav, Foreign
Religions: Rapeism, Murderism, 6 Cults and The Pub
Population: 168
Ethnicity: 32% White
21% Black
47% Polish
And 99% Chav
Currency: Lend us 20p mate I need it for bus 'ome

Arnold is a suburb of Nottingham, England infamous for gang warfare, armed robbery and many many many cases of rape. It has only had a market since 1968, and every market day it sells more and more knockoff shit. This is surprising because there is only so much you can knock-off before you are literally selling shit. You will usually go to the market to buy batteries that don’t work, Fruit & Veg that has been touched by the tramps that work on the stalls, and/or to steal. The town has a population of just 168 people. This is 50 more people than Sherwood, with a two hundred percent less rape to murder ratio. Today Arnold forms part of Greater Nottingham, a label given to this part of Nottingham by someone who has never actually been there. Arnold is a mixed area (not meaning black and white you racist bastard) containing both private and council housing. Private housing is locally referred to as, “manshuns”, whereas council housing is known as, “my haas”, as local chavs would say. Areas within Arnold include Daybruck, Woodforpe, Redill, and Killisick.

Arnold town centre has a diverse shit range of places including restaurants McDonalds, bars and a choice of shops including big stores such as Sainsbury's and Asda and chavvy independent businesses that no one has ever been in, due to the previously mentioned stores existing and fucking over the little guy with their giant cocks.


Arnold was referred to in the Bible, as being, “The wicked place that Jesus could not for the life of him save”. In recent years this part of the Bible was removed by Christians that wanted Jesus’ reputation as the ‘problem solver’ to continue. This outraged Muslims who said that they too were going to mess with their Bibles, taking out the part that says, “Rucksacks filled with bombs”, and replacing it with, “Rucksacks filled with justice, no bombs, just justice... You see nothing”.

Home Brewery[edit]

The town's most notable landmark is probably the Home Ales building in Daybruck. Founded in 1875, the beer brewery was famous for being the first company to allow staff discounts during working hours. This was around the time the law about operating heavy machinery while intoxicated came about. Staff discount on beer remains a tradition to this day; this is why the county council who now occupy the building are such knobs who know nothing about refurbishing highstreets or skate parks. They now waste taxpayer’s money on fountains that no one gives two shits about, rather than filling in the potholes that have caused several crashes in the area over the last few years.

Bus services[edit]

NCT is the only way to get to Arnold from Nottingham town centre, problems with this form of transport are that the buses only come once a day at a really awkward time, and yet it’s never the time it is supposed to be anyway. So, good luck with that...


Unfortunately the only nightlife includes hitting up McDonalds for some early-hours-of-the-morning-Chinese-food (which they never fucking have, no matter how many times you stumble in drunk and ask for). After McDonalds, the protocol of a drunken person from Arnold is to go to the Royal Mail centre, which is secretly stashed right behind Maccy D’s. They don’t have any Chinese either, which is a bastard because they knew how much you wanted some after your hard night clubbing in town and not getting off with anyone.