“I can wait till I'm a grown-up so I can set things on fire!”
Arson is a popular sport worldwide. It is a competition involving the lighting of various objects on fire, and has recently become quite competitive.
Arson makes heavy use of fire, which was invented by early mankind or quite possibly MacGyver. However, it was Nero who played the first ever game of arson using the City of Rome. Reportedly, Nero played the fiddle as Rome burnt, however the fiddle was not invented at this period of time, and therefore the only logical conclusion is that arson is the direct result of some kind of Time Travel. Time travel, fiddles, and togas are all worth bonus points, leading to the popular misconception that Nero has the all-time high score. Regardless, this is the first case of arson, and has inspired arson players to take up the sport all around the world! It has been figured by men in lab coats that arson does lead to imprisonment if you get caught. Imprisonment of such type results in the deduction of half of the player's score. Any arson while in prison is almost as valuable to the game as time travel. It is well known that Powerthirst makes you win at arson among other things. The word 'arson' comes from the old Pirate phrase; 'Ar Son put out yar smokin' stick an' get yar arr-se overr heyar' or in layman terms; 'Dearest son/daughter, please accompany me over here and pray sit upon a chair of your liking.'
Eventually, the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) was set up to regulate and host professional games of arson. The most common categories in judging arson contests are:
- Insurance profit
Professionals now look down on other practitioners of the art, who they say are just arson around.
The main antagonists of the arson way of life are the anti-arsons. These self proclaimed "Firemen" (Note the fact that they themselves DO NOT start fires but rather destroy them with water.) Such fiends roam the streets searching for fires. When locating one, they kill it with water, thus leaving the arsons to die.
Specific steps have to be followed to play a successful game. Mishaps often occur when the final step is forgotten by sportsmen new to arson, confused by its similarity to tennis.
In tennis: Game, Set, Match. In arson: Set, Match, Run.
There have been some safety concerns over arson, particularly the recent increase in use of Performance Enhancing Drugs, which really makes no sense because a bulky man will have no decisive advantage over a skinny man in lighting fires. ELF resolved this by ruling people are "retarded," although fiery debates over methamphetamine still rage.
- The secret to great arson (as in any sport) is practice. There are houses all over the place to practice with. A serious student will start fires every weekday, multiple fires on Saturday, and rest on Sunday.
- The master arsonist is never seen. Like a ninja, they creep to the location, set their fires, and disappear into the night.
- The master arsonist is often responsible for spontaneous combustion.
- It is considered poor form to burn down a home owner's insurance agency before burning their house.
- Additional arson points may be earned by making it seem as though the home's residents burned it down.
- The popular drink Power Thirst will allow you to win at both arson and weddings.
- You cannot set a magnet on fire. Or else you will have to explain how Johnny's drawing of a house got burnt.