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Although this may be a lovely picture, it could kill you if you stare too long!

Artichoke is the extremely dangerous physical condition of museum induced asphyxiation. First observed at the Lithuanian National Museum in 1956, it is widely believed that sufferers will develop chronic symptoms due to being totally engaged in works of art while visiting a museum.

an artichoke is like a sedimentary rock made into bread you eat it, choke on it... you blow up

There are three known strains of Artichoke: the widely known and most common Globe Artichoke, the Jerusalem Artichoke is predominantly recorded in the Middle-East and the now extremely rare but fatal Chinese Artichoke which devastated Asian flea markets around 23,000 BC.

Chances of developing Artichoke[edit]

ActivityPercentage chance of developing Artichoke
Watching sport on the television0.02%
Using museum as a shortcut to your local pub14.77%
Visiting museum as part of your holiday23.05%
Being dragged through museum by your partner38.83%
Dragging your partner through the museum54.50%
Spending one whole day at the museum97.66%
'Appreciating' art in the museum2374.00%

Symptoms of Artichoke[edit]


  • Wearing large black-framed glasses
  • Drinking exotic teas from tiny cups
  • Waving arms around whilst talking
  • Prefering the theatre over televised sport


  • Shortness of breath
  • Prefering the museum over going to the theatre
  • Believing that any construction or everyday item can be labelled as art


  • Staring at artwork for extremely long periods
  • Staring at everyday objects that are 'appreciated' as art
  • Breathing difficulties
  • Death

Some known causes of Artichoke[edit]

  • Standing too close to the statue of David.
  • Believing the Mona Lisa is actally a man.
  • Happily viewing nude paintings because thay are not pornography.
  • Arguing that dogs could not possibly play poker, let alone Texas Hold Em.

Treatment of Artichoke[edit]

For mild cases of Artichoke, the best remedy can simply be to stay away from any museum for at least two years. This should give ample time to lose those dorky glasses and get back onto hard alcohol whilst watching your favourite sport on the television.

For the more severe cases, a strategic plan will have to be set and maintained for the remainder of your natural life. This includes several years of torture by watching five year old repeats of Big Brother, a brief stint as the intern for George W. Bush and also incorporates two cows with a spot of kitten huffing.

For the chronic case of Artichoke, there is no return. You will wallow yourself entirely in the dungeons that are 'art culture', condemning yourself to an early death. All your friends will disown you, if they haven't already placed restraint orders against you.

See also[edit]