As I Lay Dying

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Helluva day to quit smoking.

As I Lay Dying is an epic fantasy/scifi/horror novel by William Caulkner. Caulkner is better known for rebelling against God and being banished to the fiery depths of Hell, where his writing would torment sinful humans for all eternity. Faulkner used Streams of Consciousness, a literary technique that steals readers' souls. It's a well known fact that Faulkner was on over 50 types of drugs when he wrote As I Lay Dying. Also, much of the book was actually written by monkeys pressing random keys on a typewriter, the monkeys were only on 25 types of drugs.


The story centers around the lives of the Bundren Yakuza clan, made up of Arse, Cash, Darl, Jewel, Dewey Dell, and Vardaman, all lead by the clan heiress Addie. In the opening pages of the book, Addie Bundren is sodomized with a chainsaw! Presumably by pregnant ninjas. As she lay dying she made a last request, to be buried where she always wanted to... the center of the Earth. Since every Bundren had a PHD in engineering or geology, their combined intellect easily devised a machine to drill a hole to the center of the Earth.

But it wasn't long until the Bundrens discovered a great underground empire. Tragedy strikes when Cash forgets to turn the battery powered microwave, he had installed into his anus, off as they enter a dark cave, resulting in Darl being eaten by a lurking Grue! After the exiting escape back to the Earth Drill, they are confronted by a mysterious woman, who then reveals herself to be the Sorceress Cora Tull. Cora reveals that she sent the ninjas to assassinate Addie, but she did not realized that they were pregnant, and that she will now do away with the Bundren clan once and for all!

Cora casts a spell on Addie's coffin and vanished in a cloud of maniacal laughter. Addie then transformed into a giant shark! Vardaman was the first to realize this change, which brought on what was is by far the most famous and simply the best line ever written:

"My mother is a fish"

Addie killed Anse and Dewey Dell before retreating to the great underground lake. Just then, a giant temple rose out of the lake. The remaining Bundrens entered the temple, where they faced 12,000 robots. After defeating the robots, a trap door opened up beneath them, dropping them into the lake below, where they faced Addie again. Cash was killed in the battle, and the situation seemed hopeless, but in the end, Jewel found a chalkline under the lake and used it to temporarily restrain Addie. Meanwhile, Jewel quickly drove the Earth Drill into the lake and drilled a hole in Addie's head, finishing her off. Addie lay dying a second time and the remaining two Bundrens climbed back to the temple and ascended the 100 mile long spiral staircase.

On the way up, there was a motorcycle chase, an alien invasion, a cow trapped in a burning barn, and a clone of Jewel who told only lies. Finally at the top, Jewel and Vardaman confronted Cora Tull. She then reveals that her real plan was to kidnap all of the princesses in order to create a time kompression. The epic final battle commenced, Cora took on over 10 forms, each stronger than the last. While fighting her final form, Jewel was killed. As he lay dying he gave Vardaman the jewel entrusted to him by Addie long ago, which could seal a sorceresses powers away forever, at the cost of the wielder's life. Vardaman sealed Coral's powers and killed her weak, frail shell of a body. As he lay dying, Vardaman swore he would return from the grave in seven days to reclaim the one and only A-1 steak sauce that he had all his friends killed over. After Vardaman was completely dead a wolf came up and shat on his face thus commencing the transformation of the Algerian peninsula into the haven for all the undead grandparent currently occupying Florida.