Asheron's Call

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Actual in-game screenshot from Asheron's Call. High-resolution graphics like these were said to have given many players seizures and epileptic shock.

Created by Turbine entertainment in the early 18th century, Asheron's Call is an online CyberSex simulator designed for people too dumb to move on to better games.

This "CyberSexPlanet", called Dereth, is huge but only populated by a dozen people over all 192 servers at last official census. Half of these players were said to be post-menopausal, lonely soccer moms and don't count.


Game Play[edit]

Unlike any other game in the genre, Asheron's Call starts players off creating a character, killing various monsters, and losing virtually all social life.

The Asheron's Call city of Eastham on a sunny summer day. After applying the Ultra HiRez2 graphics pack, many players returned home from the hospital eager to play some more. "Our recent partnership agreements with local eye surgeons was my idea." - Blind Turbine Executive

Character Creation[edit]

When first entering the totally fabulous world of dereth, players are prompted to create a perverted stick figure to explore the world in an epic "interactive sexual adventure quest". Players will look back on this as a waste of time, lotion, tissues, and anal lubricant.

There is an intricate process known as min/maxing that allows players to produce the most efficient character they can, but the creator of this article isn't a loser so this information cannot be displayed accurately.

Experience[edit]

Experience points are a completely ground-breaking and innovative concept in Asheron's Call. Completely different than every other MMORPG out there, Asheron's Call requires players to tediously kill the same fucking shit for thousands of hours to become slightly more powerful. This process, known as Losing all social life, has been blamed for countless atrocities, including Terrorism and Feminism.

Allegiances[edit]

Many players in Asheron's Call join an Allegiance of players, which allows them to, as a team, defeat higher level monsters and gank people that are better at PvP'ing than them. These so called "Monarchies" include:

  • Inactive Monarchy
  • Another Inactive Monarchy
  • More Inactive Monarchies
  • Blood''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
  • Another Inactive Monarchy
  • Crack Suicide Squad
  • Some more Inactive Monarchies

Currency[edit]

Currency in Asheron's Call is based on Pyreals (known to most players as How original, they didn't call it gold. This game is like totally refreshing!!!). These Pyreals are typically traded through trade notes, ranging from I (100 pyreals) to MMD (250,000 pyreals). A cheap hooker (Your mom) would cost somewhere around 3 I notes, whereas two Japanese twins would range from 50-75 MMD's a night.

Notable Players[edit]

(Not that anybody Cares)

  • Jesus: The Jee man himself has been known to play Asheron's Call from time to time.
  • Your Mom: The ultimate source of sexual fetishism, your mom is Asheron's call's most avid player.
  • Paraduck: An asian Asheron's Call celebrity with a small microscopic nonexistant penis. Paraduck recently offed himself after realizing he had spent over 9000 hours playing this shitty game. People quickly forgot he ever existed, as he had no friends.
  • You: Just kidding. You haven't even heard of this game.
  • Nobody

Sequel?[edit]

There are rumors that a sequel, Asheron's Call 2 was designed. Reportedly, previous players of asheron's call prefer the new game due to similar yet vastly improved game mechanics. It is still running today and is a massive success, both popularly and economically.


MMORPGs
Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft
Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online