Ashlee Simpson

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ashlee Simpson.
Ashlee Simpson, moments after her truly pathetic performance at the Orange Bowl. She was quoted as exclaiming, "But my daddy says I can sing"

“Okay, we know she's a sucky artist, but has anyone noticed she's got hot legs? Is it just me, or does she really look good in short-shorts? I know she had a kid, and the cottage cheese is everywhere on her thighs, but if she got back in decent shape those legs are in my image.

~ God on Ashlee Simpson and her hot legs

Ashlee Simpson is a fake American recording artist and McDonalds frycook, known for heartfelt, thought-provoking lyrics like "you make me want to la la" and "Jessica i didn't steal your husband i just fucked him hardcore", and losing her vote for becoming President of the United States after she was caught making love to the ballot box. She is worshipped in several Third World countries for bringing the gift of World Peace to All of Mankind. She likes to watch BDSM and appears as a gimp in various videos. Simpson won her first Emmy in 2004 for her outstanding live performance on Saturday Night Live. She holds the current US patent for cold fusion, was a pioneer in the development of practical applications of nanotechnology, and can quote almost anything written prior to 1927 by heart, a trait her friends refer to as "a little show-offish at times". She has memorized all 6248 digits of pi, and has mastered the art of pretend singing and using hair dye.

As a member of the Royal family she is in order of succession. After losing the presidential run she was assassinated by Press Secretary Avril Lavigne.

The Black Metal Days[edit]

The cover of president Ashlee Simpson's latest album, "I Yam What I Yam".

At the age of 12, Ashlee auditioned for the lead vocalist spot in popular black metal band Satyricon. After 45 hours of non-stop sexual intercourse with both original bandmembers, *Satyr and Frost, 5 other unknown people (one of which might possibly be Trevor Strnadt) and a chimpanzee, she was granted the role of back-up vocalist during live performances. Ashlee later declined the offer and claimed she only used them to lose her virginity and steal their desirable dark powers. After gaining said dark powers she went on to form her own black metal band, Asharoth, with members from Technical Death Metal band Cradle of Filth ...but later on left the band and also claimed she used them, but for no apparent reason. Ashlee, when responding to questions about these events, was quoted as saying "uh...yeah...pff, black metal fags, right?" a long awkward silence after her answer was noted. She has a wide selection of various tr00 makeups.

Her Hardcore Antics[edit]

Ashlee about to melt...

After seeing over twenty thousand pop-punk music videos, Ashlee thought it would be a fantastic idea to pretend she was Ms. Lavigne. Despite how Avril herself was a poser, Ashlee is too thick in the head to understand the true meaning and sound of punk. In honor of her copycat antics, she painted her nails black, dyed her hair black (although she dyed it blonde again), painted herself black, and started wearing poser black jewellery and outfits that made her think she was the punkiest thing alive.

To separate herself from her mentally disabled sister, Jessica Simpson, she tried to persuade critics that she was totally more hardcore than her, despite her music being just as poppy. Ashlee has a tendency to mock her sister's ability to not act as if she's punk, and yet act like they are the best of friends. Her hypocrisy was fully noted by all angsty emo teens, as they copied off her actions pretending to hate their parents and siblings for not being 'original' or 'unique'.

Ashlee's hardcore (Hilary Duff-styled crush) on brother-in-law Nick

When not just screaming into the mic pointlessly to only have her voice edited to sound on-key for her albums, Ashlee is found head-banging to her hardcore punk-influenced albums. Her favorite own song is Autobiography, the lyrics of which lead to the belief that people really WOULD ask her for her autobiography. In reality, no one gives a rat's ass.

Ashlee's other influences include the hardcore musical stylings of death metal rocker Hilary Duff, and her clueless Christian-goth (sex) slave Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. She has also been known worship other pop punk bands like Fall Out Boy and The All-American Rejects, with an actual shrine in her closet dedicated to them and their hardcore punk music.

From listening to too much pop-punk, Ashlee has transformed into the mutant monster better known as a poser, mocking her sister then listening to 'These Boots Are Made For Walking' on her black iPod when her daddy lets her. She's not only had obvious surgery on her nose (twelve times), but it's been reported that millions of times doctors had to remove the razors she shoved up her own vagina, thus disproving claims that she is a transvestite.

Ashlee Simpson as a poor chiminee sweeper in the 'L.O.S.E.R' video clip

After her success on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee created a new album to correspond with her recent image change. Deciding that goth was the new punk, she put on $1 eyeliner and wore frilly black gothic whore dresses, reinventing herself as a hardcore goth with her completely hardcore and gothic single, "(I Didn't Steal Your) Boyfriend".

Just like her idol Avril Lavigne, who also has a place in her closet shrine, Ashlee realised that there was a chance she'd be more liked if she was just like Avril, and thus dyed her hair blonde, the popular choice of hair colour for all hardcore goths.

Ashlee Simpson also had a match at WWE 's Wrestlemania XXX in 2006 where she fought her sister. While the audience cheered Jessica, they booed and heckled Ashlee and chanted profane remarks at her. As Ashlee Simpson walked out of the arena crying ("But my daddy said I could sing!"), the audience chanted "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye". Chagrined and deeply ashamed, Ashlee returned to Weirdo Texas to pursue her life's calling as a frycook at her local McDonalds.

Sound and Similar bands[edit]

Famous Simpsons
Jessica Simpson Homer Simpson
Bart Simpson OJ Simpson
Abe Simpson Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson's sound is mostly compared to a mix between Mathcore band The Red Chord and progressive metal band Between The Buried And Me, without the originality or the creativity. She has collaborated with Alexi Laiho on many occasions and has also cited her as a main influence (which is another way to say she sucked off of her music like a parasite). In any case, Ashlee has been nominated for best metal guitarist, bassist, lead singer, keyboardist, and overall best musician. It has been speculated that she might be the greatest metal artist on earth, simply because she's entitled to it. I mean, she's Ashlee Simpson!

Surgery[edit]

Ashlee Simpson is a big advocate about being true to yourself, loving yourself inside (sometimes 8 times a day) and out (damn, girl), and not conforming to what the world says is beautiful. That being said, Ashlee Simpson has undergone plastic surgery on at least 15 occasions and is scheduled for another operation this year.

Marriage and Family[edit]

Asswhore Simpson recently married Fall Out Boy bassist and cock sucker Peter "Does my dick look big in this?" Wentz, in traditional shotgun wedding-style, before giving birth to his bastard spawn. The unfortunate tot was named "Bronx Mowgli," purportedly for the New York borough where Simpson used to streetwalk and the cartoon character that inspired Wentz' dirty mop of hair. At the time of writing, child abuse charges are pending against the couple for inflicting such a damaging name on a child; if convicted, the couple could not only lose custody but receive a righteous and well-deserved bitch-slap. [1]

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Make that a mega fag bitch slap.


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