Ashley Cole

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“I have never met this man, I do not know him, no,no,no, I do not. but he has grown, yes. No, I do not know how he wound up playing for Chelski, no i do not, I AM THE SPECIAL ONE!”

~ Jose "The Special Needs One: Mourinhho on Ashley Cole

“What a fuckin' prick! ”

~ Queen Elizabeth II on Ashley Cole

“No Ashley, when I said turn the other cheek I didn't mean it that way. Get the fuck out of my house. ”

~ Jesus on Ashley Cole

“He's a disgrace to womanhood ”

~ Nelson Mandela on Ashley Cole

“Probably a bigger cunt than me ”

~ Bono on Ashley Cole

“Even i hate the little cunt ”

~ Ashley's Mum on Ashley Cole

“If i get the chance,then i'll kick the shit out of the greedy little cunt, although i'm a fucking weak cunt as well so i'll probably have to get my handbag out ”

~ Cesc Fabregas on Ashley Cole

“The little prick deserved to be booed and he's shit on PES 2009 ”

~ Steven Gerrard on Ashley Cole

“I hate his guts. His dick couldn't satisfy me either ”

~ Wayne Rooney on Ashley Cole

“He's a terrible shag ”

~ Some gay guy on Ashley Cole

“I feel sexually harassed ”

~ Ashley Cole's Dick on Ashley Cole

“He's a terrible gimp ”

~ Roberto Cheesefecker on Ashley Cole

Cashley Michelle Veronica Tweedy (maiden name Cole) is a professional greedy twat and part-time footballer (pfffft) for the club Chelsea_FC. Was once considered the best Left Back in the world, which was later a popular joke used by comedians all over the world. Cashley is the son of Elton John and Tin-Tin, which explains just about everything one needs to know about her.

Cole, in the height of ecstacy. One might say that his expression shows that he is very "oral" on the pitch

. Known for being a closet fudge packer, he has a sham publicity marriage to the chav slapper from girls aloud.


Cole was once a pennyless hobo that roamed the streets of London, working as a part time prostitute (bum sex only) for expensive customers (see Jose Mourinho). One day this French bloke said with no expression on his face "Jue c'omm wiff me en I make jue an offeur jue cannot refuez". Despite his illiteracy, Cole signed a contract, unbeknownst to him at the time, to play Football (soccer) at Arsenal where he worked as a model (Have you seen his face? He's been using cosmetics I swear).

Football analysts say that Ashley Cole is a left back, meaning he was left back at Highbury when the rest of the Arsenal squad moved off to the Emirates Stadium. This was done on purpose, because the squad finally realised that Cashley is a fuckin' scummy, greedy, disloyal little twat. The accusations of greed were proven to be false when tales of the hardships Cole endured became known when he was offered as little as £60,000 per week for his new contract, meaning he could only wipe Lampard's jizz from his arse with the harsh £20 notes instead of the softer, more absorbent £50 notes. He was also poverty-stricken as he had to continuously bribe fellow hospital patients not to leak any stories to the tabloids about how he was constantly in A&E to have gerbils and mobile phones removed from his rectum. After finally realizing he was abandoned at Highbury, the epiphany struck when the construction workers were tearing down the walls of the stadium, Cole was distraught and angry, and thus help from his old time buddy Mourinho who met with him privately (guess why)and they agreed for Cole to work full time "under" Mourinho at Chelsea FC. Chelsea also helped out immensely with Ashley' Cole has been named PFA Cunt of the Year for the last 6 seasons. Cole also established The PFA as an organisation to help other poverty stricken players.


Voice-over Work[edit]

Cole has recently been employed by British Television network Five, to do voice over work as part of the 'Sex - How to do everything' series of broadcasts, citing financial pressures as his reason for taking up extra work.

Personal Life[edit]

I like boys!

Ashley Cole was originally a girl, but had a sex change with his brother. Ashley traded a Barbie doll and girlhood with his brother in exchange for soccer boots and a penis but decided to keep the name Ashley because...well who the fuck knows its a crap name anyways, boy or girl. Ashley has appeared in many gay porn movies featuring Jermaine Jenas, a radio DJ and Arjen Robben in which he gets spitroasted which is one of his favourite pass times outside football.

Ashley married racist singer Cheryl Tweedy, as an act of convenience, despite his very public sexual relationship with John Terry. The marriage is beneficial to Ashley as it disguises the fact that he is actually gay, while Tweedy uses the marriage to pretend that she is not racist. Ashley famously got his dick out during and interview on prime time television on lk today.

In late 2007, in a further attempt to disguise his sexuality, Cole cheated on Cheryl with a blonde slag. This proved to be an epic failure, as having sex with a woman scared him so much he got sick,the gayer.

he beats his wife sucks his own dirty little cock and ytakes it up the bum from John Terry.


Cashley is officaly the most hated man to ever walk the streets of GB. So, next time Mr. I-Love-Shoving-Phones-Up-My-Arse-And-Putting-It-On-Vibrator-Mode comes to your ground...scream these songs as loud as you possibly can.

  • "Heeeey Hey Cashley!
  • Judas!
  • I wanna know oho why you're such a CUNT!"

  • "Titus Bramble shagged you're wife
  • Shagged you're wife, shagged you're wife
  • Titus Bramble shagged you're wife
  • Cole's a wanker!"

  • "Oh Ashley Cole
  • he's a fucking arsehole
  • he's a fucking arsehole
  • oh Ashley Cole!"

  • "Carefree, wherever you may be
  • Cashley Cole's got HIV
  • Mobile phone, up his arse
  • Cheryl Tweedy, fuckin BRASS!"

  • "One man went to bed, went to bed with Cashley
  • One man and his mobile phone, went to bed with Cashley
  • Two men went to bed, went to bed with Cashley
  • Two men, One man, and his mobile phone, went to bed with Cashley
  • REPEAT UNTIL 10!!!

  • Ashley's got AIDS
  • Ashley's got AIDS
  • He caught it off Drogba
  • Ashley's got AIDS

Club Achievements[edit]

Despite being a pivotal member in the Arsenal team, Cole never received any personal awards, even medals for his clubs successes. He is often shunned away by his fellow team mates and staff, even the club janitors who received awards were higher in rank than Cole. He instead received a Noddy badge for "trying his best" and "always being positive", basically awards given to chumps and retard kids.

Other Achievements[edit]

  • 'So I said to Wenger, fifty grand a week is insulting. I want sixty! Sixty grand! Show me the money! I want the money! (starts sniffing wildly).'
  • Being the first winner of the "Brain the size of a quarter of a half of half a peanut award" in 2006.
  • Scoring 3 less goals than king willy in the 2007/2008 season.
  • Being hated by every person in the country,even his mother thinks hes a cunt.
  • Getting the shit kicked out of him by the cesc machine -

Breakthrough Into Movies[edit]

Cashley Cole is currently in talks to star in and produce the the new gangsta movie Crotch! Starring 50 Cent as colonic irrigationist turned safe cracker who wants his money and wants it now. It also stars Rio Ferdinand as the pipe cleaning rent boy. Also starring Cheryl Tweedy as the gangsta whore bitch. It promises to have all da bling innit aimed at da chav market many of the ideas have been brought off the street - but 2 get 1 free!

He has also released his own DVD - Chav It Like Cashley. Which is a DIY guide to becoming chavvy wiv all da speek fashion and everything.