Ashley Judd

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“Ashley Juggs--now there's a 'Christian' lassie with a classy chasis!”

“Ashley Judd put the "T" in "T" and the "A" in "A."”

“To think I kissed her there--and there--and there!”

Ashley Judd (born Ashley Juggs) is an American actress (sort of) and Christian porn star who is known for her willingness to appear topless, bottomless, or completely nude to get any role, even a bit part, in a Hollywood film and for her facial resemblance to the rodent of one's choice, because of which she is nicknamed Minnie Mouse.

Major Motion Pictures[edit]

One of her better-known movies is Kiss the Girls, in which she trades lip-locks with the likes of Sarah Michelle Gellar, Selma Blair, Wynona Ryder, Alyson Hannigan, Amber Benson, Madonna, Britney Spears, and a host of others. The plot, such as it is, involves her operating a lesbian kissing booth at her high school prom as a find-raiser for the local Girl Scouts troop.

(Wow! You can really tell who's hot and who's not by whether her name is linked to something--obviously Selma Blair, Wynona Ryder and Amber Benson are not hot.)

Ashley's Juggs Ashley Judd also starred in High Crimes, as preparation for which she held up a bank, murdered Tipsy Russell, a transsexual prostitute, and, once again, appeared naked--this time, in public, which earned her an arrest for public indecency.

Youth[edit]

Judd was born in Grammy Awards, CA, to Michael Criminal, a small-time hood, and Naomi Juggs, an aspiring country music singing sensation. Her half-sister Wynonna (spelled with two "n"'s to avoid confusion with actress Wynona Ryder) is known for her outspokenness and unbridled insanity. After her parents divorced, her mother took Ashley Judd back to Kentucky to live in poverty. There, they enjoyed life without running water, electricity, a telephone, toilet tissue, or "the other fine things in life," as Naomi called such "luxuries."

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Despite (or maybe because of) her Baptist upbringing, Ashley Judd was a hell-raiser. She was expelled from school once each grade and, in 12 years, managed to attend a dozen schools. She tried modeling in Japan, but the Japanese thought that her face looked too much like that of a mouse or other rodent of one’s choice, and she was deported.

Career[edit]

Having nowhere to turn, she took out a federal student loan and pretended to be a student at Kentucky’s Kappa Kappa Gamma University, graduating mea culpa with majors and minors in erotic dancing, theater, and women’s liberation studies, among others. Having taken a class in theater, she was convinced that she could act (and execute a song and a dance in the nude). She drove to Hollywood, seeking fame and fortune, acquiring one without the other, as she worked as a waitress and lived in a Malibu mansion that her now-three-quarters-sister Wynonna bought for her.

Working her way up in "the business" by doing bit parts in television situation comedies that capitalized on her facial resemblance to the rodent of one’s choice, she was offered a part (finally) in Natural Born Lunatic Killers, in which she played the multiple victims of a serial killer who had a thing against women whose faces resembled the rodent of one’s choice. She also appeared in Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire (Except In My Case), and The Passion of My Moon.

Despite her sometimes-Christian faith, Ashley Judd, in Come Early and Come Often, plays a slut who cannot keep her clothes on and lies with any man in the small town in which she lives who will spring for a motel room and, in Bug, stars as a herpes virus.

Personal Life[edit]

Ashley Juggs Judd as The Spurting Cocks' Number 1 Fan

When in Manhattan, Ashley Judd attends the charismatic Missionary Position Baptist Church, but at home, whether in Kentucky or Scotland, she practices atheism. She says she experiences occasional depression and an eating disorder when she thinks of her career. She dated most of the men in Hollywood before marrying some racecar driver dude named Dario ("Vroom Vroom") Franchitti, who, despite his surname, claims not to be associated with the Mafia.

Ashley Judd remains an avid fan of her alma mater’s hockey team, The Spurting Cocks, because, as a fund-raiser for new jockstraps and other athletic equipment, the team allowed her to model just a jersey. For the same reason, she also enjoys gardening, yoga, and Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, two of which she wore as pasties to cover her rodent-like nipples in a recent commercial for the cereal.

Filmography[edit]

  • Bug (2006) Vi Russ
  • Come Early and Come Often (2006) - Loosely
  • Twisted (2004) - Herself
  • Frigger (2004) - Noelle Morality
  • Divine Secrets of the Les-Bo Sisterhood (2002) - Viva Va Voom
  • High Crimes (2002) - Miss Dee Meaner
  • The Passion of My Moon (2000) - Jezebel
  • Where the Heat Is (2000) - Lesbo Poop
  • Double Penetration (1999) - Rev. Parsons
  • Son of a Bitch (1998) - Bitch
  • Kiss the Girls (1997) - Kissie Mi Assie
  • A Time to Thrill (1886) - Carla Brigand
  • Where There's Smoke, There's Fire (Except In My Case)

(1995) - Floozy

  • In the Buff (1992) - wife of paint store owner