Ashton Kutcher

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“Ashton Kutcher? Is that the guy who played Luke in Star Wars?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher's Great Grandmother.

Ashton Kutcher, born in 1678 to two bong-hitting hippies, he began life with Androgen's Disease. After a long and difficult youth in the eighties, facing the terrors of eight-bit gaming, and the eighties, he grew into a famous person. After his adventures through time in the film the Butterfly effect, he joined up with his close friend, and potential lover Oscar Wilde in the film Dude, Where's My Time Machine?. Afterwards, he would go on to be the host of the very succesful television show, Chunks of Whale. This show was later cancelled by NBC. After that incident MTV decided to hire Sir Kutcher (he was knighted at some point) to do a show where he presents people with mundane challenges, and then laughs at their stupiditiy, entitled Punk'd.

Film and TV Career[edit]

  • (1996). nonsensical broadsword
  • (2004). exterminate my testicle, you broadsword! (Which produced the famous line:

“Dude! where's my broadsword?”

)

  • (2006) Main Page
  • (2020). nonsensical Fats the Blah Minnow

Little Known Facts[edit]

  • Ashton Kutcher is a punk ass bitch with no genitals
  • He also talks like a sissy
  • He has a past of child abuse
  • He likes women between the ages of eighty and dead
  • He has webbed feet, because his mother is a prostitute and his father is a platypus.
  • He once swam the English Channel, just to prove the French have cheaper ketchup
  • Just Married was based on an experience he had with Oscar Wilde and H. G. Wells
  • Guess who is the very edited version of what he did to his director, really he tied them up a cut off their tongues.

Ashton owns his own pumpkin stand in Oklahoma. He wedded one of the pumpkins, and named it "Larry". They now have two children and own a pumpkus, half-man, half-pumpkin, that they keep in the attic of their two-bedroom cottage out on the Oklahoma farmland.

Along with many other celebrities, he enjoys the simple life of eating small children. Small children are well known for their delicate texture and rich flavor all throughout Hollywood. However, at $5,000,000 a meal, most humans cannot afford them. The most favored children are those Cambodian children eaten by Angelina Jolie.

Despite his fame, power, and wealth, he is unable to summon a helicopter at 2am in Iowa. Researchers attribute this due to the fact that he is a gabble-headed flaming dipstick that has no idea what reality is really like, beyond the Hollywood world lifestyle. That and his Kitten Huffing habit that he shares with Demi Moore - who is his mother/lover.

Quotes[edit]

  • "Dude, Where's my talent?"
  • "Demi who? No, no, no, the real Demi is banging Tupac in the Bahamas somewhere, this is just an android I made to make it seem as if I can really get hot Hollywood pussy, just not hot Hollywood pussy my age."
  • "The ab-azil-abit-mobility to act is grossly overrated."
  • "You've just been PUNK'D!!! Damn, that got old fast...OK,ok, new phrase: You've just been PWN'D!!!"

See also:[edit]