Asuka Langley Sorya

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Asuka Langley Sorya.

Asuka Langley "Little Red-haired Girl" Soryu is a heroine and brilliant Eva pilot from Neon Genesis Evangelion, a hit anime that runs somewhat like a Twilight Zone episode, in that a bunch of sick bastards are mankind's only hope. Asuka is part German and part Japanese, and to boot she is psycho and sexy. Several otaku agree that, were she to take over as Fuhrer after Hitler quit, they would happily take up Judaism and move to Germany, just so as to beg corporal punishment from her. (Apparently good ole fashion shagging is on the downgrade among various basement-dwellers.) She is apparently very adept at chemistry, which might to the casual observer suggest that she is worshipped as a sex goddess among nerds, but in reality they see her as merely a more palatable substitute to the hoardes of real-life good-looking girls who ignore them and/or make their lives miserable, so they flock instead to Rei Ayanami, since she seems smart and has the personality of a very taciturn blow-up doll..

Two loyal otaku worshippers of Almighty Asuka.

Asuka's still FROCKING HOTT!

Shinji and Asuka eventually get married and move to suburbia, nextdoor to this crazy old wannabe-swinger.

Life Story[edit]

Asuka was born in 2000 in Munich, Germany, or some dang place, and from the start she showed a predilection for breaking things, saving sandboxes, and demanding her own way. She shortly moved with her dead father and mother to America. From an early age she displayed domineering tendencies; she once caught a grue and made him/her/it into her knight in shining armor. She was precocious and brave enough to shun learning the finer points of Japanese, even though she was part Japanese and lived in Japan for some time. She found Waldo and gave him a fashion makeover whilst talking to him about transcendentalism. A young Melvin from Sailor Moon once attempted to make a pass at her, and she promptly held him down and used his eyesockets to mix Jell-O Pudding, which is why he needs those big-arse swirly glasses to this very day.

Love Life with Charlie Brown and Others[edit]

A study date.

She soon met Charlie Brown, who fantasied nightly (and in colors on Sundays) about hot, steamy amplexus with the luscious ginger who had just moved into town and who was actually hot. Asuka felt the same way, but was much more direct and the two had several playdates. Their one-sided relationship (unquestionably in Asuka's favor) is legendary, even though Charlie Brown confessed in an obviously contrived statement on the Watergate tapes that she didn't always assume the role of the man when they "played pretend." She eventually left Charlie Brown (who supposedly murdered her) in order to nail Shinji Ikari to repopulate the globe, since Shinji could only do so much to save the world and NERV was an overhyped attempt at backdoor fascism and exploitation of world resources. Also, SEELE turned out to be a front for a lewd fanart drawing club that degenerated into elderly GROUPFAP sessions on day one - ever wonder why you can never see those old geezers from the waist down? Plus, 99.999999% to 100.2% of all Eva pilots were mentally or emotionally unreliable part or all of the time (except for Asuka, who was always ready to whup some Angel arse, though she would engage in some primadonna histrionics now and then), although in spite of it all they did get in a good bash now and then. It has been confirmed that any allegations of a relationship between Asuka and Gendo Ikari are pure bullsnit; Gendo admits to this very day that his tastes lie more along the lines of skinning Misato alive and wearing her skin all over him with his dick tucked under, or perhaps balling Rei. George Harrison and Asuka had a very brief relationship until George got into hippie and eastern nonsense, at which juncture Asuka decided that shagging Charlie Brown, Shinji Ikari,and/or any other worthy bozos would be way better.

Career in Anime[edit]

The only production that Asuka starred in that was worth watching is Neon Genesis Evangelion, which just might be an anime, although several experts tend to focus on Asuka's remarkable talent and prospects and overlook the amazing qualities of the show. She may also appear in the second season of Peach Girl as a misunderstood schoolgirl. She CAN believe it's not butter. Asuka is running for US President in 2012, her runningmate being a little-known man who might have saved the world once or twice. She also appeared in several episodes of Bill Nye and is currently attempting to get on The View, which would suck.

Asuka lending her skills to anime.

What We All Know[edit]

Asuka has an amazing body and will shag if it involves emotional manipulation, and any idiot would tell you to just go along it - it's called cutting your losses, folks. If I were that messed-up loser from the anime, I'd be in her space-age pants faster than Roseanne on a deep-fried wedding cake. Don't try to tell me you wouldn't do the same, because I have half a brain and a working dick.

Shinji and Asuka's Married Life[edit]

After Third Impact, Shinji and Asuka got married and moved to the suburbs, where they got a nice little one-story ranch-style house with a white-picket fence. They live there to this very day; Yuki Nagato and her civil partner Kyon come over to reminisce over the old days and sing with them the Beach Boys dirge "I Guess I Just Wasn't Made for These Times", and their other neighbor just keeps to his house and watches the upstairs bedroom window intently whenever he thinks Asuka's getting ready for bed.

Shinji is currently teaching high-school biology, somewhat incongruously since whenever dissection day comes around he hides under his desk and whines incessently about "EEW, HOW GROOOSS!" the whole ordeal is. Asuka is the French teacher; needless to say, her class is very popular, although as a teacher she she seems to focus too much on "corporal punishment" as her evaluation report states every marking period. However, a meeting with the bald, creepy, overweight principle whenever she's in hot water usually fixes the whole rift; the freaky bastard gets his wrist exercises, and Asuka gets to yell a lot, so everyone wins. She continues to be hated without reserve by the late-middle-age to elderly female teachers who are literally made of propriety, and she continues to be lusted after shamelessly by the usual bald, overweight ex-hippie English teacher who spends all year harping constantly on transcendentalism and "that preposterous idiot Bush", as if he had a crush on the polarizing Texan and lived to talk about his oratory