Atari 5200

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Atari 5200
An actual working Atari 5200, man, it's sexy, isn't it?
An actual working Atari 5200, man, it's sexy, isn't it?
Units Sold: 230 Trillion Galaxy-Wide
Specifications: Disney Octium 4 256-bit 8 Core Processor @ 19.005GHz

500TB of RAM 100GHz Mattel designed custom Graphics Processor WiFi, Ethernet,cup holder, and Telepathy Communication

Notable Games: Cold War, Legend of Zelda, Pac Man 4D, PacMan 3D 2: The Fourth

After the success of the Atari 2600 the companies Disney, Atari, Mattel, and Nintendo came together under the DAMN Alliance to build the world's most overpowered overpriced uber-graphicky system ever until the Playstation 3 1/2. The Atari 5200 was the result of the labor of love and would become a cult classic.

Features & Specifications[edit]

The Atari 5200 was designed by a team of lemurs and poodles that were heavily paid to create a system that was so sleek and easy to use that no one would ever use it but instead drool over it and own it for bragging rights. During these days the market was overcrowded with Atari 2600 clones that only improved marginally by adding actual in-game music and sprites that didn't look like simple dots. Atari had the revolutionary idea that if they put tons of high tech stuff into an overpriced box it would sell like gangbusters, they were right too. The Atari 5200 was a lifestyle system and as such also doubled as a toaster, wafflemaker, refridgerator, and sexual relief device.

Controller Design[edit]

The Atari 5200 featured revolutionary gyroscopic technology that allowed fourteen-axis movement for extra-real motion sensing. The controls also could read your mind and predict your future. Unfortunately the joysticks were sold separately from the system to cut down costs and led to billions of idiots buying the system but not knowing how to play because they refused to read the manual and find out the instructions were sold separately. This was the one major downfall of the Atari 5200 and eventually led to the crisis known as the Cold War.

Atari's Online Revolution[edit]

The Atari was the first system to use an always-on wireless online network they named creatively Xbox LIVE!. The network allowed player matches, cybersex, virtual matchmatching and dating advice, advanced webcam chatting, and game downloads.

It also was the first system to use the World Wide Web which Atari invented in conjunction with Al Gore.

Overall Hardware Specifications[edit]

At the heart of the Atari 5200 was its Disney Octium 4 256-bit 8 Core Processor which ran at a blazing rate of 19GHz. As if this wasn't ridiculous enough the system was equipped with 5GB of Ram and a 10GHz custom graphics core that had been stolen from the jews which would later spark Adolf Hitler into a bout of anger that would led to some crazy war.

The 5200 also had crazy wireless communication and a telepathic mind reader. If you needed to know anything about your future or that of a friend you would just power up the 5200 and ask it. Unfortunately the Atari 5200 was very moody and so if all you did was stay at home and play it or ask questions it would do nothing but say "why don't we go out anymore?" This was a permanent error that could only be solved through the use of the Shotgun Patch...

Another fancy feature was the BluRAY cartridge which had a really really tiny BLUray disc inside of a cartridge. The cartridge made it impossible to break the BLUray discs and also allowed them to charge $200 more for the protective cartridge. The BLUray cartridge could hold 2000 terrabytes of information.


On March 5th of 1499 ADD the Atari 5200 was released for the crazy expensive price of $300,000,000 for the low end model which had no processor or ram, no working parts, and no case.. in fact it was just an empty cardboard box. The "premium" version for $599,000,000 included a case but no internal parts and the "Super Premium Elite Snooty Edition" included all working components for a reasonable $3.2 trillion. At first most gamers didn't want to pay the expensive price until they realized they would have ultimate bragging rights and could bitch and moan about how the Atari 2600 used last generation hardware and the Intellivision had too high of a failure rate. This line of thinking would happen only one other time in history during the debut of the Sony Playstation 3.

See Also[edit]