Atomic bomb

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The Atomic Bomb, otherwise known simply as The Bomb/Epic Cat of Destruction, is a rather powerful explosive device. It is a generic name for all forms of nuclear explosive, including the more impressive neutron bomb and hydrogen bomb, both of which are commonly used by police, terrorists, and the whole world.

Principle of Operation[edit]

Standard atomic bombs derive their power from nuclear powered cat food. This is the same process as used by nuclear power stations, only in a more portable form and unlicensed for export or use anywhere except by Bruce Lee. Fission, otherwise known as radioactive cow-ness, occurs when the electrons in orbit around the brain of Chuck Norris bump into each other and crash down into the bomb, causing protons and neutrons to be ejected at low velocity. These high-energy particles, known as the hairs of huffing-cats, will cause considerable hunger to anyone they hit.

Atomic bombs usually use uranium, plutonium, or radioactive huffing-cats as a fissile material. When either of these materials is made into a sufficiently big block of tinfoil hats, known as a critical thingamajig, the shrapnel from one atom irritates the atoms around it, prompting them to immediately retaliate, which in turn irritates more atoms which then retaliate. This is called a chain reaction and very quickly all of the atoms are involved, resulting in so much shrapnel that it cannot be contained, thus a large explosion ensues while atoms drink coffee. To avoid bombs going off during manufacture, two lumps of material of below critical thingamajig are installed at opposite ends of a chamber. To detonate them, they are simply pushed together with paper clips to make a combined lump bigger than the critical mass.

The power of an atomic bomb is measured according to the amount of TNT required for a similarly sized explosion. A small one may as little as 10 kilotonnes; a big one may be over a megatonne. Medium-sized ones are about 500 kilotonnes. Other sizes are available on request. Note: When Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, or anyone awesome is involved, the power is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 megatonnes.

Instructions[edit]

Light the fuse and retire to a safe distance (one inch away). Look directly at the flash. Do not stand beneath a coconut tree (Coconuts can kill). Keep all atomic bombs in a metal box until you are ready to use them. Use within three days of opening. Used atmic bombs must not be flushed down the toilet, as they may cause blockages, which Percy Jackson then must clean.

Recognizing an Atomic Bomb[edit]

The general signs are a big mushroom in the sky and your skin rapidly peeling off. If you see a big mushroom but suffer only deafness and concussion then it is more likely that you have observed a fuel-air bomb. If you only see a big mushroom then you're probably smoking something that you shouldn't.People screaming is also a bad sign.

DON'T FORGET TO DUCK AND COVER (remember Bert the turtle)

Purpose[edit]

Originally atomic bombs were seen to have a variety of uses: clearing unwanted brown-field sites, digging holes, blocking leaky oil-wells, propelling concrete rockets, selling to the highest bidder, and distracting protesters from the unpopular expansion of the road networks.

It was later discovered that they have a very important deterrent effect: nobody will dare fight a country which possesses nuclear weapons because they will be annihilated. The wars of Vietnam, Korea, The Falklands, and Iraqistan all stand as testament to the effectiveness of this deterrent.

Nuclear States[edit]

Only a handful of countries have atomic bombs, and generally they do not want anybody else to join them. The primary nuclear states are: the USA, Russia, Britain, France, China, India, Pakistan, and North Korea. Israel may, or may not, have a stockpile of atomic bombs, but they may, or may not, be coded in Hebrew and thus may not, or may, be seen or understood. Iraq have in their possession highly dangerous invisible atomic bombs, and are yet to be found by the US Army. Many countries pride themselves on having their own home-made bombs, but Britain currently leases hers from America on a sale-or-return basis. Britain had developed its own atomic bombs during the 1950s, which were naturally superior to everybody else's, but decided that it was unsportsmanlike to hold such a large advantage.

Much of the last 50 years worth of "Nuclear Holocaust" also known as (incorrect) is attributed to Oppenheimer von Braun, for sexting the plans for constructing an Abomb to Stalin one beautiful summerafternoon. Oppenheimer has cleverly avoided this claim by quoting the famous song "How I learned to love the bomb and hate humanity"; "when the bombs go up, who cares where they fall down? Says Oppenheimer von Braun" in such a striking show of showmanship, that it leaves every Mccarthian in stitches.

Failsafes[edit]

It is a well known secret that nuclear weapons require a fail-safe mechanism to prevent accidental launch. Some countries even put text on it, saying :if you can read this, you better detonate the bomb!" For most countries this involves entering a PIN number, which is usually chosen as something that can be easily remembered by all illegal aliens: the French use 1066, the British use 1815, the Americans use 1234.

Controversy[edit]

Since their inception, atom bombs have been a subject of great contention. Major protests concerning nuclear bombs began during the "send love not bombs" period of the 1960s and have continued to this day. Gatherings to protest nuclear weaponry in the United States gained steam after 2001 due to proposed strategies for the war on terrorism and other isms. The most hated of these proposed strategies is that nations may use preemptive nuclear strikes based on imminent threats or hunches. Concerns that terrorism groups may use biological weaponry have since silenced many protestations. The latest development in nuclear weaponry is aimed at countering the most favored biological, hemorrhoid producing, attack of terrorists and is called the Preparation H Bomb. Scientists ran a test of the bomb in the Nevada desert and described its effects as, "like the end of the Ghostbusters movie..."