Attack of the 500 foot Jesus
The 500-foot Jesus (also known as “Big J” or just "Jesus") is an enormous machine of destruction, and a possible metaphor for some kind of religious atomic bomb. Although it isn't necessarily the protagonist of the New Testament, it is based off the Biblical character himself.
When Will the Attack Begin?
The Attack of the 500-foot Jesus will begin on a Tuesday, not far from the Independence, Missouri bus stop you normally pass on your way to work. At approximately six seconds past six minutes past six hours into the day (that's 06:06:06, derived from the number of the beast), 500-foot Jesus will rise from the depths of a nearby underground train station, cracking the ground as He rises up. He will carry two train carriages all the way to downtown Kansas City; the carraiges which will then be thrown into the two tallest buildings in the vicinity.
But on which day, exactly will these events occur? To discover the horrific truth about that, we must plunge into the mysterious and wondrous world of numerology, Mayan calendars, and Microsoft Project 2.0.
The answer is, of course, that this horrific event will take place on January the 1st in the year 2020 [just a few short months from now! - ed.]. The explanation for this is very simple. As we all know from our introductory-level World History courses, January the 1st 2004 was the 40² anniversary of the first 404 error (aka the day when the sky went blank, another cosmic-scale disaster), which took place in January the 1st in the year 404. Since 2004 minus 404 is 1600, which is also mysteriously the same as the number 40 squared, we can cancel out the duplicates in the key numbers 404 and 40, leaving us with a single "4", which would of course be the number of either days, months, or years left from January the 1st 2004 until the day when the gigantic Jesus is unleashed. And, since January the 4th and April the 1st of 2004 have both already passed without the attack of the 500-foot Jesus actually taking place, the "4" must refer the number of years from January the 1st 2004 until the fearsome event, which would place the date at January the 1st 2008. Strangely enough, that day also "happens" to be a Tuesday, and the year 2008 also just "happens" to be a leap year. In addition, 2008 is the year in which George Bush ends his term. Coincidence?
Thus we must now surmise that the attack of The 500-foot Jesus will take place at exactly 06:06:06 on Tuesday the 1st of January, 2008, on the dot. (AM of course; PM would just be a waste of time.) By these calculations, the 500-foot Jesus therefore has exactly 1,815 days to wreak massive cosmic-scale havoc until the dark day of December 21st, 2012 (or 20121221, using ISO date formatting), when the world will finally end and the omniverse shall collapse into itself. The year 2012 also "happens" to be leap year, just like 404 and 2008. See? Thus will Nostradamus finally be proven wrong, since he stupidly predicted that all of this would occur a full three days later.
Battle with the Armed Forces
Once unleashed, the immense Jesus will take on the Armed Forces, probably using the pointed end of a Harrier Jump-Jet to pick His prodigious nose. After the unfortunate pilot is drowned in snot, 500-foot Jesus will sneeze, sending yet more tropical storms towards the United States in retaliation for them electing a chimp as President. He will then pick up two Sherman tanks from the ground, ignoring the horrified yells of the personnel inside them. He will smash them together like a child playing with Tonka Toys, crushing the personnel inside the vehicles as if they were mere insects.
More battalions will arrive, firing all of their artillery into the giant Messiah in a futile attempt to blatantly imitate their counterparts in cheap Japanese monster movies. Laughing maniacally at His ant-like opponents, the towering Jesus will grab a fired missile and casually throw it towards a private jet full of celebrity snobs. The aircraft will then careen into the fleet of tanks and mounted guns, incinerating them — but also burning Jesus' feet, causing Him to fall to the ground with an enormous thud, sending an earthquake measuring 100,000.5 on the Richter scale towards the Hollywood Hills, crushing them completely flat.
Jesus will then pick up a tiny Army General from the ground, barely hearing his mouse-like screams for mercy. He will then proceed to eat him, crushing his bones to dust in His mighty jaws. At this point, it is believed that the remaining officers will soil their briefs and run screaming to the nearest Wal-Mart, ostensibly to buy a few more pairs in preparation for the next attack.
The Rampage of Destruction Continues
Jesus will then walk along the nearest 16-lane interstate highway, crushing all that stands in His path, including cars, trucks, buses, pedestrians, and your pet cat who will happen to be in the way at the time. Stubbing His foot on a bus, the gargantuan savior will pick it up, lobbing it towards a nearby oil refinery. The explosion will be heard and felt as far as Tokyo.
The fire from the explosion will engulf the city, causing fat, ugly people to run outside and scream about how they wasted their lives buying cheap lesbian porn on TV instead of taking up some sort of religion. The gynormous Jesus will crush them under His feet (each of which are approx. 50 meters in length).
Jesus will then uproot the tallest skyscraper within reach, shaking it like a pair of maracas. As the people inside fall through the shattering windows, Jesus will throw the skyscraper like a javelin towards an escaping plane. This plane will happen to be Air Force One, carrying the President in a vain attempt to save his own sorry ass from the destruction below. Seeing their President spectacularly obliterated, with debris raining down on them from all sides (crushing several bystanders, one of whom will be hit by a still-running jet engine — not pretty), the Americans will cheer wildly, but they will soon be destroyed by the ticking of Jesus' giant wristwatch, as the sound waves will level cities and explode peoples eardrums.
His work done, the 500-foot Jesus will walk out into the ocean, disappearing beneath the waves. (In the Made-For-TV exploitation film that will appear six weeks later, an end-credits title will appear that reads “The End... or is it?”)
Attack II: The 500-Foot Jesus vs. Santa Hitler
Indeed, it is not the end! Months will pass as Mankind struggles to rebuild shattered cities, as well as its shattered collective peace of mind. Then, without warning, on Dec. 25, 2008, the 500-foot Jesus will reappear near the North Pole, emerging from the Arctic Ocean — especially surprising since His only appearance in the intervening months will have been in the Pacific during International AIDS Awareness Week, when he will have created a huge tsunami, killing several thousand Micronesians. Here, Jesus first will stop at Santa Hitler's concentration-camp stronghold to scoop up several Nazi dwarves, consuming them all in a single chomp of his mighty jaws. After snacking on several hundred of the Nazitown population, Jesus will let out a tremendous belch. The resulting shock-wave will flatten several buildings within a twenty-mile radius. Santa Hitler, unaware of his peril, will emerge from his concentration-camp workshop to see the 500-foot Jesus picking at the bits of human flesh stuck between His teeth, just as He begins to march over to the homes of the Nazi Elves, chewing them up like a Rottweiler chews children, and eating them as a mere appetizer. If necessary, He will also consume Bill Clinton's wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), who resides with Santa Hitler during legislative holidays.
For some reason, Vin Diesel will also appear at this time, looking way out of his comfort zone and scared silly, but bravely attempting to save the Nazi Elves' city anyway, because nothing can stop Vin Diesel from trying.
Jesus, now bored with Santa Hitler after having demolished most of his domain, will leave — once again disappearing beneath the waves, "G-Unit style." Ultimately, the true winner of this battle is unknown, and no one knows where Santa Hitler will go, although it is speculated that He will move to new digs as Satan's new chew toy beneath the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
London: The Third Attack
Exactly one year after the first attack, but only two weeks before the second, The 500-foot Jesus will appear again, and in a far more devastating way than could ever have been imagined even after the first two appearances. This time he will eschew both the blast-upwards-from-the-earth and the rising-from-the-waves appearance methods, and plummet directly from the sky into the Atlantic Ocean, creating still more massive tidal waves and tsunamis that will destroy Boston, New York City, Miami, Lisbon, Belfast, and practically all of the Low Countries in northwestern Europe.
After a short hike to London, England, Giganto-Jesus will make His way to Downing Street, crushing policemen and their cars along the way. He will then proceed to gobble up Gordon Brown and a screaming Tony Blair. London's entire Neo-Nazi skinhead population will charge forward with their clubs, chanting ‘RA!’, since "oi!" is no longer fashionable; nevertheless they are quickly swept aside, mostly into the Thames, where they will instantly die from exposure to the enormous mass of unchecked filth clogging the estuary. Finally, Jesus will use the London Eye as a climbing frame, bringing it down into the Thames, and drowning hundreds of citizens trapped behind whatever dumbasses thought it would be a good idea to use bomb-proof glass in its construction.
The Final Attack: Super-Jesus
Not long thereafter, the Governor of Hawaii will urgently beg for emergency aid from the mainland as their archipelago is swept under tsunami waves several thousand feet high, caused by the 500-foot-Jesus doing the breaststroke to swim to the island in hopes of obtaining a mimosa.
Seconds later, a Boeing 747-400 landing at Hawaii's airport will signal a major distress call to the control tower. As it turns out, their aircraft will have suddenly stopped in midair, grabbed by Jesus. Less than a minute later, the tower will be ripped open by a massive jet engine smashing through it, sucking the air traffic controllers into a pressure vortex, which will then explode, spraying their body parts onto the tarmac below. Jesus will then let out a mighty bellow of a laugh, His divine mirth obliterating several National Forests.
In the air, more pilots will struggle to shut down their engines as the 500-foot-Jesus rips them off of their wings and drops them into the ocean. Jesus will then rip off the wings themselves, throwing them like knives into the streets of Honolulu, destroying two chartered buses. Luckily, the buses are just charters for three Emo bands about to appear at the local civic center, so nobody will really care.
Eventually, the 500-foot-Jesus will become dissatisfied with his size, he invented the growth ray. He then zapped himself with it so he could could become more powerful. He doubled his size when he zapped himself with the growth ray. He now becomes 1,000-foot-Jesus, a.k.a Super Jesus, and shortly thereafter manages to accidentally wreck a NASA building when stretching his colossal arms to relieve a cramp.
Jesus will then completely uproot the island of Oahu, holding it above His head and roaring in a Godzilla-like fashion. Ripping it from its underlying tectonic plate, He will turn it upside-down, shaking it wildly. As thousands of people fall to their deaths, Jesus will place the island paradise between two giant pieces of bread and proceed to eat it for lunch, with a side of ketchup and fries.
Super Jesus versus Robo-Hitler
Robo-Hitler, basically the preserved brain of Adolf Hitler commanding a humongous mecha-robot, will immediately floor Super Jesus with a left uppercut, sending shockwaves around the planet. Super Jesus will attempt to kick Robo-Hitler in the testicles, only to find that the machine only has one testicle to kick.
Enraged, the mega-messiah will lunge for Robo-Hitler who, stepping back a few paces, will crush the Stuyvesant neighborhood in the process. PWNed! Now in retreat, Robo-Hitler will crush the Brooklyn Bridge and flood Lower Manhattan in his effort to escape. Super Jesus will manage to grab a hold of Robo-Hitler's iron legs, tripping him over Manhattan and crushing half the island. He will then spit on him.
The saliva will drown some poor country that nobody's ever heard of. Thrown into the air jiu-jitsu-style, Robo-Hitler slams into several more aircraft before smashing into Scotland. The immense force of the impact will separate the region from Britain, sending it floating out into the ocean. Leaping across the Atlantic, Super Jesus will land in Scotland for the final showdown as "The Winner Takes it All" by Abba will plays in the background, using loudspeakers provided by the Eurovision Song Contest.
Super Jesus will manage to body-slam Robo-Hitler, hitting him several times in the face. He then will stop, realizing that He badly needs to have a tinkle. Relieving himself, Super Jesus will drown most of the low-lying regions of the now-independent country in poisonous urine. This will, however, give Robo-Hitler time to get up, and he will charge towards Super Jesus, tripping Him up and kicking Him in the nuts. Super Jesus (who, unlike Robo-Hitler, has a full complement) will wince, reflexively leaping up and smashing a fist into the main control centre of the robot, successfully gouging out the Hitlerian brain matter.
Finally, Super Jesus will crush the exposed brain under His foot. With no life-force, the mecha-robot falls to the ground, vanquished.
Having defeated Robo-Hitler and destroyed most of the world, Super Jesus will return to wherever He came from.
The End... or is it?
- 500-foot Jesus is 500 feet tall... or is he?
- Super Jesus is a friend to all children.
- Super Jesus can change his size at will, flash like a strobe light, and fly.
- After a long day of worldwide destruction, Super Jesus likes to relax with a vodka martini and a copy of the The Wall Street Journal, while listening to Frank Sinatra on his iPod.
- Jesus also likes to transform into a chick, and look in the mirror while naked.
- Fear Factory was created by the CIA to put a stop to the 500-foot Jesus. (Didn't work.)
- Super Jesus will kill Mike. Sorry, Mike.
- Jesus can blow up the world in three days, as he did with The Temple Of The Long-Haired-Selling-Pigeons-Very-Expensive-Bastards although he doesn't do because he really likes children.
- Super Jesus can "make the fusion" with Godzilla!
- Due to contrary belief, Osama bin Laden and Jesus were actually best friends.
- Jesus prefers North American automobiles over European ones. Some believe this makes him an elitist, but at 500 feet, he just needs the extra headroom.
- Super Jesus is the leader of the Super Best Friends (SBF).
- Fred Phelps is the only person who thinks that Super Jesus is Jesus of Nazareth, making him a bad minister.