Audi

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The first ever car designed to allow the driver to hear people shouting "fuck face" at them
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Audi.

“It sounds like my belly button!”

~ Guy with an outie

“Someone ask for Gaudi?”

~ Gaudi without his hearing aid in


Audi is a German . Audi's German tagline is "Vorsprung durch Technik"; this is usually used untranslated, or sometimes in its English translation, "Get out of the fucking way, you dickhead!". JD Power and Associates customer research shows some people drive Smart cars and this typically reflects them as being big wussy's. Edmunds car journal conducted an independent study in collaboration with Chubacca LLC and discovered BMW's are not really "The Ultimate Driving Machinge" as the companies tagline suggest; yet they are still nice to drive. Audis are usually driven by complete and utter cocks/nobs.

Audi owners are also known to be very intelligent. They usually do own the road as the cars they drive are far superior to every other car.

Audi's four-ring logo is well-known among Audi owners and meaningless to the rest of the world. The rings are said to reflect Audi's guiding principles: 'Volkswagen twin', 'awkward gadgetry', 'way better than ANY BMW', and made in the universe, so you know its a fine quality brand.

Audi owners tend to be sex bombs who will frequently remind you that their car is more German than yours.

Early Models[edit]

Rallying Success[edit]

After World War II, nobody wanted to buy German cars for fear of looking like a Nazi. Audi struggled until the 1970s when they invented FOUR wheel drive. The "Tres" featured a 2.2 litre turbocharged 16 cylinder engine, which as the most powerful Audi engine ever made, created an astounding 460 brake horsepower to (steering) wheel, thats right it has 2 steering wheels. It made all the other rallying teams look like a bunch of fucking amateurs. The head of the 1976 Audi rallying team, Horst von Ubermensch would reportedly stamp up and down, dressed in an SS uniform, shrieking "You're not singing any more!" at less successful British rival teams. This became pronounced at the "J.M.R.S.H.T.W.I.L.I.B.M.S. internationals" (Jump My Racer So High That When I Land I Blow my Suspension)" as suped up S4 went head to head with WRX's, EVO lancers and Chevy Impalas. (A sight to see indeed). Alas, the 15 year dominance of AUDI rally sports came to a screeching hault with the introduction of Renault owned Nissan Skyline GTRally in 2000. At since which time AUDI has decided to set its eyes on winning GTR racing as a way of showing up their new rally rivals... (RS8)

Modern Audis[edit]

Being part of Volkswagen, there is no real difference between the two cars, except the amount of make-believe which goes into duping buyers out of their money, and the copious amounts of cash Audi demands extra so you can drive what is little more than a rebadged VW with leather seats and an extra cupholder. So many people enjoy feeling important that VW created a new car name for those who want to waste their money on a 'fancy' VW, similarly to how people feel when driving a gussied-up Toyota, or Lexus.

Prior to about the early 1990s, Audis were mostly driven by accountants and high school principals, as well as old men in Fedora hats. They were essentially boring cars for boring people. Audi attempted an image change by supplying Ferris's dad with an Audi 5000S in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but with little luck. After all, who likes to identify with a gullible middle-aged square.

In the 1990s, Audi chased their earlier success by bringing cars such as the TT to the market. The TT was exclusively designed to appeal to women who work in marketing, computer programmers with no imagination, and gay advertising executives. There are some claims that this model was inspired by Lada. Later, with the addition of the cabriolet version, camp hairdressers were targeted in Audi's marketing campaign. Again, the Toyota Camry Solara stole the show, and much to Audi's disgrace, call it the Audi S4.

The current Audi lineup includes the creatively named A1, A2, A3, A3 Sportback, S3, S3 Sportback, RS3 Sportback, A4, A4 Avant, A4 Allroad, S4, S4 Avant, A5, A5 Sportback, A5 Cabriolet, S5, S5 Sportback ,S5 Cabriolet, RS5, A6, A6 Avant, S6, S6 Avant, RS6, RS6 Avant, A7, A8, S8, A666 and A1337 models. They also produce a SUV model, called the 747-Q7, along side the Chevrolet Tracker in Lagos, Nigera. Audi have repeatedly denied running out of car names, and in 2002 a spokesman stated "Britischer schwinhunds! Schutup about ze car names, mein gott!".

Rumour also has it that Audi are already working on the next range of models including an updated version of the A4 intended for middle-managers, travelling salesmen, drug trafickers and everyones favourite off-duty white-van-man. The A55-h-01e is the car most people are likely to see behind them. With it's impatient accelerator and random-horn blower it's every bit the vehicle that Audi wanted it to be. From 0-60 in 1.002 seconds as long as it's behind you, reverting to 48975.6 seconds once in front and with a V6 (3 x V2 rocket) engine under the hood, this car can reach an astonishing 216 "F***ing Audi Driver's" per hour. Like all Audi's the handling could be improved as it's difficult to tell which A55-h-01e drivers have had 6 quarts of whiskey from those who haven't.

Audi's critics are harping on that their new models still don't go far enough to meet the latest Encap standards. Audi have resisted the urge to implement the safety-explosives which cause the driver to slow down once triggered by the GPS speed-safety-awareness system. They have also forgotten to wire up the indicators stating that "Most of our customers, who are der bestist customers in der vorld, do not vont indicators when ve could give zem an extra 0.5mph instead". Despite these minor problems, we reckon this will be the Audi you spot in your rear view mirror any day now.

Keys[edit]

Unbeknownst to most people, the process for obtaining a key for an Audi car is long, expensive, and painful. In fact, a recent study showed that getting a key for your Audi is one of the most painful experiences in the world, second only to a trip to the DMV. 98% of Audi owners have committed suicide after losing their keys. Although it is little more than a piece of metal strapped to an oversized Lego brick, the key is almost impossible to obtain. First, one must venture to the Audi dealer, where they will take hair, urine, fecal, stomach, intestinal, and brain samples so that no person, not even you, will be able to operate your Audi. Additionally, an anal probe will be conducted. Afterwards, one must pay $1200 dollars for an Audi “specialist" (a little known craftsperson who lives in the middle of the jungle in Paraguay) to glue a piece of metal onto the oversized Lego brick. The journey does not end here. Then the brick gets sent to a different specialist in a different forest (with $400 of your money) to laser engrave the key design with Darth Vader’s Lightsaber. At this point, the Lego brick key will open the Audi but not be able to do anything useful (except build an airplane or boat). The key will then be sent to yet another specialist in yet another secluded Forest (with yet another $800 of your money) so that it will be able to turn on your car. Many Audi owners skip the whole process by getting a spare key sub-dermally implanted, just in case.

Quattro[edit]

Many Audi models are offered with four-wheel drive called Quattro, named after musician and actress Suzi Quatro. The purpose of this is to make the car heavier and faster, so you spend more time at the gas station (when comparable models from other manufacturers consume a lot less fuel), which has the advantage that you get to flirt with the hot female staff there more often and get laid more often, approximately 4 times as often as non-Quattro driver.

See also[edit]