Augury is the act of studying the flight patterns of birds in order to make executive decisions, such as declare war on Middle Eastern countries and decide which intern to sleep with.
In 3407 BC, Og the Caveman performed the first documented auspice. He interpreted the birds' flight and determined that his wife would die within the next 24 hours so he took out a life insurance plan on her. When a court case came up and he was suspected of murdering his wife, he used the famous "Auspice Defense" and was quickly let off the hook. The Auspice Defense was again used when Og, who changed his name to OJ, was charged with murdering his second wife Nicole Brown Simpson.
The art of augury was not heard of again for over 4,000 years. The art finally resurfaced in 1074 AD when Thomas Jefferson begun to use the art of augury to predict events that would happen in the past, which is truly the future because time is cyclical. He wrote a book about his findigs called The Da Vinci Code and sold over 13 trillion copies by the year 1095. The Da Vinci Code is still heralded as one of the most important books in augury today.
Augury was finally discovered in 1982 when the zombie of Sir Isaac Newton predicted that Ronald Reagan would become President of the Confederate States of America in 1976. Unfortunately for Newton, one of the birds released a load of droppings during the auspice which landed in his eyes. He was blinded for life and was quickly replaced by famed astrologer Nathan Bedford Forrest as the official seer of the White-Power House. In the spring of 1978, Forrest was discovered to actually be black and his demise, along with the fall of astrology, soon came.
In 1979, Ronald Reagan promised not to be duped by false prophets again and returned to the great art of augury as the only true science of future telling. Many of the nation's top research centers, such as the Pennsylvania University of Amish Studies (PUAS) and the Baltimore University of Telling Truths (BUTT, tee hee) were given large grants to further study the field of augury. After a decade of intensive studies, the joint PUAS-BUTT reserach division determined that the capistranos always return to California at the same time in the year. This knowledge was used in the forcible remover of Venezualan dictator Alex Rodriquez in 1983. The USAF tied strings attacthing despot A-Rod to the legs of capistranos. When the capistranos reached California, A-Rod was coerced into playing baseball for those damned Yankees. This move ultimately helped the New York Yankees in defeating the Dixie Chicks in the decisive Civil War game of Winnipeg in 1864.
Currently, the art of augury is outlawed. In the Battle of Powerball (1989), a group of 74,000 people used augury to determine the Powerball numbers. They all won that day, but were forced to share the pot, now amounting to only $732 per person. Enraged by this, the winners organized a militia of themselves, their family members, and motorized penguins that have laser beam flippers, and attacked the fort at Sioux City, Iowa. Sioux City, at the time, was a Native American reservation with a population of 23,000, of which 118% were of Native American heritage. The battle ignited the American-Native-American War. It also ended the war because the battle resulted in the deaths of 158,000 Native Americans, easily wiping out the remaining 38,000 Native Americans living in America. President George Bush intervened before the militia turned their pitchforks and laser-flippers on the cannabalistic Eskimos in the Yukon Territory.
State of the Art
The majority of all augury is now donme by supercomputers such as the Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer. However, many people still perform their own, illegal, auspices. Also, many government funded reseach facilities are currently performing research, such as if auspices by bat flight are trustworthy.
Essentially, the art of augury is very simple on the surface, but very complex underneath. The basic foundation of augury is as follows:
- If the birds are going in one direction, its to get away from something bad.
However, the research of recent years has completely turned the original beliefs of augurologyism on its head. One professor elegantly stated:
- Hay guyz, wut if du burds r goin 2 sumthin güd?
Since then, the field of augurologyism has been split between the Neo-Nazi fundamentalists, who believe the former statement, and the Communist radicals, who believe the latter statement. The government is currently selling tickets to the Battle of Augury, set to take place in Madison Square Garden on March 33, 2009 for the most horrific battle between the two sides to take place.
The most well-known augurologyismist is Thomas Jefferson, author of the famous book The Da Vinci Code which still remains a textbook on the subject today. His younger brother, Jeff Jefferson, is also a rather famous person in the upper augurologyismists circles. In the winter of 1443, he spread the science throughout the world by various means. He missionary expeditions to the heart of Africa ousted the fad that was soothsaying and introduced the black devils to the great art of augury.
Christopher Columbus is also considered a famous augurologyismist. In 1638, he used augury to determine that the New World would discover him. Although he was wrong because he had in fact been found by the Indonesian Islands, he did prove that inanimate objects could also perfom auspices under the right conditions.
The most famous auspice is the one used by Og the Caveman in proving that he did ot murder his wife on two occasions. The auspice sent a precedent in the court systems to rely solely on trustable procedures such as auspices instead of hocus-pocus bullshit like forensics and fingerprint analysis. The case led the LAPD to replace its minority-beating squad with an augury squad. Unfortunately for them, the smog surrounding Los Angeles kills all birds on contact.
In 1874, Niels Bohr predicted that, through the use of augury, that in 2910, Robot Mussolini would once again try to take over the world. After 70 years of further experimenting and auspicing, he concluded that, just like his contemporary in World War II, Robot Mussolini would spend too much time crying about his loneliness to be able to conquer more than just Ethiopia. Thus, Niels Bohr determined that all incarnations of Mussolini, both past and future, are whiny emo bitches who wear pants that are way too tight.
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