“I'd love to go Fucking… er; I mean TO Fucking!”
Austria, "The land of Kangaroos", was so named by Australia during the years when Austria was exclusively used for kangaroo storage by the first Australian settlers. Austria's economy was hugely dependent on kangaroos für their labour, für their meat and für fur (as sound-proofing for cellars) until the Great Kangaroo Epidemic. Today, most Americans doubt its existence or confuse it with some other place.
In the rest of the world, Austria is known for Mozarts' Balls, exporting ski equipment and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Red Bulls. Austria is also renown for having introduced concepts such as inbred monarchs, Turks, incest, mailbox letter bombs, and fathers locking their daughters in cellars.
The region now known as Austria was used as a gate by the Romans until the fall of the Roman Empire. After a short interregnum, German priests ruled Austria alongside the fifth reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Then, Australia took over the country, filling the countryside with kangaroos and their Edelweiss-scented droppings.
During the Australian colonial time, Austria's population grew from about 2000 to 2 million. This was in sharp contrast to the growth of the kangaroo population, which went from zero to around 6 billion.
To honor their ancestors, Austrians are obligated to wear fake beards every Monday. Different varities and forms of beards exist and choosing beards is known to be a big excitment. Failing to wear a beard results in being ostracized from the community.
After centuries of kangaroo storage in Australia, the Great Kangaroo Epidemic struck Austria and all the kangaroos fell asleep. With no money to be made, the Australians grew bored and abandoned the region, leaving the Austrians on their own to defend it. The Australian-Austrian army, trained to fight on the backs of kangaroos, was defenseless. In 788, the country was attacked by France, which was already trying to prove to the world that it wasn't a coward. However, Austria was too busy crying over its lost kangaroos to notice.
In 1395, the kangaroos woke up. The Austrians, realizing that they had been conquered, started to plan a war for independence. The French heard about the plans and ran out of the country. Austria became an autonomous nation in 1395. However, the young, independent nation suffered from a number of problems - the greatest being attributable to the sudden reintroduction of kangaroo meat into the regular diet.
Broken Commitments, Broken Promises
“Let others make war; you, fortunate Austria, marry.”
Austria stepped in and out of several marriages, as decided by her leaders. She entered wedlock for the first time in 1477 and married again in 1496, this time to Spain. Austria divorced Spain and found Hungary at a burlesque. The two married in 1867 and, since both were stubborn assholes who refused to change their maiden names, "Austria-Hungary" was created. Around that time, Austria began a fling with Germany.
Some historians say that Austria was a gold digger; others, a whore. Some experts contend that the Austrians and Hungarians shared romantic notions of empire-building. Still others (how many experts are there?) say that the two nations dreamt of a united "Austro-Hungarian Salami Empire" which vended delicious kangaroo meat products. In any case, none of these fantasies came true and Austria and Hungary finally agreed to a marital separation in the early 20th century, following a misunderstanding known as "World War 1".
Even before Austria and Hungary were through, Austria was begging Germany to remember how Austria had once called parts of Germany her own and how it had felt so right being together. But Germany was now faithfully married to Prussia and told Austria so. Furthermore, the truth was Germany and Austria were blood relatives and the world would never stand for their union. Austria ran home crying, only to come across Nazi Germany, who seduced her.
Only Austria knows why she let it happen, but then again, it was a young, naive Republic, easily influenced by a big, strong hunk of a nation. Nazi Germany didn't even ask for Austria's hand in marriage; it was done Las Vegas-style in 1938 during the Un-Choose (German: "Anschluss"). Austria somehow survived the marriage, though it took her a while to recover. However, Austria has forgotten about the war (what war?) In fact, Austrians have forgotten the marriage with Germany, too...and that Hitler spoke in the square in Vienna, even though 100,000 kangaroos were even seen attending. (Hitler? Who was he?)
In 1955, the Austrians said that their country would never again try to enter into a union with another country, and this has helped to silence allegations that Austria yearns to break old taboos and be incestuous with Germany, which has since become widowed (Prussia died).
In 1984, Josef Fritzl, an Austrian Fritzler, built a cellar, kidnapped his own daughter and locked her away for 24 years. He later released a book of his experiences, a best cellar.
Another Austrian, Wolfgang Prikopil, also built a cellar and kidnapped Natascha Kampusch, whom he locked away for 8 years. Recently Kampusch started her own television show that critiques the remodeling of cellars.
In 1987, the religious leader and spiritual supreme kangaroo cleric of Austria ate some kangaroo meat, decided it was delicious and decided to have a party. In 1990, 16 million Austrian Roman Catholics considered passing a law mandating the two-time dunking of Vienna finger cookies after an accident in which a kangaroo ate an undunked cookie and got indigestion. In 1994, the Viennese municipal government began a brutal crackdown on undocumented pastry maker workers headquartered at Demels in Vienna after it became clear that the government had nothing better to do. In 2004, in a reaction to its post-kangaroo nihilism and pure boredom, Austria appointed a dog, Kommissar Rex, as Direktor of the State Police and gave him his own TV talk show. However, it was discovered that Rex was not a German Shepherd, as he had claimed, but a Cocker spaniel with a bladder infection. He was subsequently locked in a cellar and his TV contract was exterminated in 2008.
Military of Austria
A large number of Austrians are armed owners of armed kangaroos. Austria has the largest military in the world - in terms of trained kangaroo soldiers. Kangaroo soldiers are equipped with M16 rifles and bomb belts. Austria is also famous for its self-igniting Molotov cocktail infantry units.
The Special forces
Like the USA or Germany, Austria has many undercover agents and weapons of mass destruction. The Austrian spin-off of "American Idol" (named "Starmania") produced weapons like "Falco", "Michi Tschugnall" or "Christina Stürmer". The intercontinental ballistic missile "Chistina Stürmer 1" was named after the Nazi-newspaper of 1944, "Der Stürmer". The function of those weapons is simple: They take off from the top of the Alps, fly to the target and play their programmed songs until the heads of the enemy explodes. Very simple but also very efficient.
Sadly there has been a big malfunction in the biggest of those rockets, the "Falco 1". On 6 February 1998 the rocket left the route and crashed into a schoolbus in the Dominican Republic. The schoolbus driver was slightly injured but the "Falco 1" had a total loss.
Austria's most famous export was a device produced in 1933. It was known as an Adolf Hitler, a controversial robot designed to run the government of a country. It was built by a tinkerer named "Der Führer" and he crafted the robot in his own likeness. The project began on Austria's home soil, but when it malfunctioned, creating The "Uber Crater" (also known as "Fubar Crater") over Europe, Austria was oddly one of the few places to survive the firestorm relatively intact.
There was a giant recall in 1945 of all the Hitler-bots that Austria had produced, meaning one. The model was wildly popular, although it was never mass produced. Still, there have been constant rumours of Hitler-bots appearing in South American countries such as Chile-Austria and Agentino-Australia. Fans of Hitler-bots, known as "neo-Botsies", are thought to have accumulated illegal Hitler-bot copies and hidden them somewhere in Buenos Aires or Melbourne. Despite all efforts to control popular thought, there are some who believe that the bots functioned perfectly fine and were better suited to respond to the needs of the people than the leaders of today's prevailing governments. Such individuals often insist that the firestorm was created by the prevailing governments to maintain their power and wealth, maintain the status quo and turn people against Hitler bots.
Economic impact of cheese
Around 1990, Austria encountered the beginning of a serious ecological crisis. Cheese started to dribble across the border from Switzerland, slowly forming a gooey layer of subsoil. This event jeopardized the future of the region as kangaroo-friendly territory and triggered the Second Great Kangaroo Epidemic. As Austria is discovering, this has an affect on everyday life and even the economy. Consequently, some have proposed that the state motto be changed to Land of Gooey Cheese in Your Shoes, but this motto was not viewed favourably by the powerful lobby of kangaroo exporters, whose hygiene standard would have been put on scrutiny by this motto.
Change of living condition
Modern Austrians have begun to spend more time in their basement cellars rather than above ground. One reason for this is may be their lack of interest in their neighbours. It also may be due to the fact that they have locked away someone in their cellar.
How to confuse an Austrian
- Simply start with a "G'Day Mate!"
- Tell them how good you think the Vienna Boys' Choir are, especially little Bindi Irwin.
- Tell them you have definite proof that Marco Polo introduced coffee to the western world and now he wants it back.
- Say that cream cakes bring you out in a rash, and should have a Health Warning.
- Deny all knowledge of WWI ("The Not-so-Great War") by saying that your mother doesn't want to talk about it.
- Deny all knowledge of WWII by saying that your school didn’t think it was important enough to be included in the curriculum.
- OK, you may admit you knew the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, the Philippines and Singapore but just didn't realize they got as far as Austria.
- OK, OK, you could say you have now seen the Japanese attack Austria, in that movie with Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman.
- Ask them which song from "The Sound of Music" they like the best.
- Ask directions to "Jörg Haider's Driving School".
- Ask at the Vienna Railway Station which platform to catch the next train to Sydney.
- Ask them to show you their cellar.
Austria is known for its exquisite cardboard architecture, and this has helped to draw in tourists from all over the world. Times of heavy rain bring about great panic. But just as important is the fact that all composers that anyone can name other than Stockhausen came from Austria, or lived there, and if they didn't live there, they at least drank coffee there. Everybody wears leather shorts and green hats with kangaroo feathers stuck in them, and live in small huts on the side of big scary mountains (scary because Germany is on the other side). Yodeling and cellar digging are considered national sports.
Some famous Austrians include:
- Otto von "Happy Hapsburgs"-Lothringen: Crown Prince of Austria
- Dame Edna Everage: Gay Crown Princess of Austria-Australia
- Wolfgang Schüssel: Inventor of the dicky-bow tie and XXL glasses.
- Eric "Wolfie" Mozart: Inventor of muzak.
- Adolf Hitler: Inventor of the "Adolf Hitler" as well as the Kangaroo saddle
- Swasticow: Austrian Musicians, inventors of the Bassline
- Sigmund Freud: Headshrinker: penis envy, Oedipus complex, anal stage, homophobia... he had it all...
- Egon Schiele: Famous corpse painter.
- Erwin Schrödinger: Quantum Economist also Quinn's cat in the series Sliders.
- Steve Irwin: Quantum naturalist, credited with saving the habitat of the Saltwater Crocodile along the Danube.
- Falco: Professional Mozart's-balls eater.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: a.k.a Governator/Austrianator, male model, currently Terminating your big screen TV.
- The Von Trapp family singers: Austria's happy singing Nazi children.
- Josef Fritzl: vice president of Austria, most famous for shagging his daughter.
Things to do in Austria
Austrians are a people who just cannot get enough of Mozart, especially his delicious balls. When in Austria, you must wrap your lips around Mozart's balls, and suck hard, so that the chocolate sauce melts in your mouth and you can get to the delicious candy centres, which vary according to batch. Be sure to avoid buying Mozart's balls on street corners, as bootleg vendors are not uncommon in Austria. Bootleg purchases are cheaper, but you run the risk of adulterated candies, with asbestos, salt-skin or garlic centers.
When visiting Austria, it is considered courteous to offer your hotel attendant to suck your balls when your baggage is delivered to your room. Of course, to avoid incarceration, ensure that you have a packet of Mozart Balls somewhere on you, preferably NOT in your pants.
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