“Man who stand in front of car get tired, but man who stand behind car get exhausted, too.”
“Ahh cars where would we be without cars, and how would we get there”
“귀하의 성기가 너무 작습니다!”
“Today, we drive over a womandoll, then we drive over Childrenbarrows, and after that, we throw baby dolls towards the cars! Nice! ”
An automobile, autocar, motor car or car is an item of metal clothing worn by Brits and other people. Containing up to 150 pounds of gasoline alone, it is so heavy it had to have wheels attached to support the weight. Even so, moving in it is so difficult a motor had to be added to ease the wearer. Heck, it even needs motors just to turn the steering wheel. To wear it, unlatch one of the six flaps (like overalls), and crawl in.
“In Soviet Russia, car drives YOU!!”
Evolution of the Car
The car was invented in 1885 by Karl Benz. His intention was to create an easy, affordable way to transport screaming children to amusement parks (reference: Disney World, 6 Flags) as cheap labor in order to dress them up as the cartoon characters they loved so much. Unfortunately, Charles could not find an inexpensive method to produce the car following his original designs, which had the car shaped much like a cob of corn with legs. The overall project drove Carl to murder every penguin, walrus, giraffe, penguin, and lawyer on the face of the earth. And in one final attempt to create the "Child Transporter", Carl petitioned farmers everywhere to give up their corn for the greater good. Unbeknownst, exactly one week before, J. Edgar Hoover changed the national currency to corn cobs, making farmers millionaires but putting poor Fredrick out of a job, and into a dumpster.
The car really took off when an alternative, cheaper fuel was discovered to power Carl's discovery. Originally, the car ran on the energy created when an Eskimo clubs a baby seal to death, which was rather costly and creating outcries from the walrus community who thought that this was a perfectly good waste of baby seals (walruses use baby seals as a salve to treat cancer). The new fuel, or "Gas", was originally kept a secret in order to lead the walrus community into a trap that would end up making them an extinct species (Reference: The Trail of Fat Mammals). However, the formula has recently been leaked and is composed mainly of burning Arabic women who defy their religion by not wearing a veil.
The car finally gained its respectable place in the world today when it had 2 new features added to its core design. First, a device nicknamed the "Granny 'poon", fires a pointed spear out of one of the new car's hidden compartments, and seeks into older women walking the streets. The older woman will then be speared through the hip, and feels no pain at this time since most hips are replaced at this age. The "granny" is then dragged behind the car for miles. This provided great entertainment for teenagers seeking a thrill other than commercial drugs.
The second invention added to the original format of the car was known as the "Demoralizer". Since the invention of the "Granny 'Poon", car crashes had gone up 58% due to the teenagers leaning out the car window and yelling slurs at the older woman. This device drastically reduced accidents by placing a mechanical Jesus Christ on the back of the trunk, by the license plate, that repeatedly belittles the older person with phrases such as "Stop going to church, you won't get to heaven", or "Your children don't love you. I know, I'm Jesus", and "You've been worshiping the wrong god your entire life...should have stuck with Amun-Ra!". This satiated teens thirst to torture the elderly, and the car became a smash hit with people ages 15-23 across the world.
Today's cars also possess tires. Tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road.
There will be a future war between the Daewoo and the Volkswagen. 1/5 of the earth's population will be removed and the remaining humans will be enslaved in car factories, being forced to make more cars. The war will end 3 years later as a Ford Escort army fires nukes across the globe killing everything. Now Earth looks like Mars.
Some experts says that cars are an alien species that are learning our technology and will attack our species when they are least expecting it.
The world of 'W's engines
Why the fuck would you make an engine look like a W? Worst fucking idea ever. We should impeach the bastards that came up with that idea.
Sorry, that was unprofessional of me. What I meant to say was, the use of Ws in cars was the worst idea since that God-awful Car-Ter design, which, despite high expectations, didn't work at all. The idea of car Ws barely won out over the competing Gore design, which was shaped like a bull's horn and attempted to kill anyone who added gasoline to their car because such an action would empower ManBearPig. Despite this flaw, the Gore design has been considered to be much better than the W design, which is so desperately addicted to gasoline that it, like a vampire, has killed thousands of people to get its heroin-esque fix. Remedies to this poor design choice have included the Obammer design, which runs very well but has been known to cause large crowds of cult followers to block the car's process with their adoration of the engine; the McCan engine, which is produced from old, rusty tin cans and still kills people for its gasoline fix, but does so a lot less than the W engine; and the Na-Der engine, which is basically the Car-Ter engine painted green.
- Vandalism Of Cars Is Hilarious!! Do It Every time You See A car.
- Vandalize vans too because they are rubbish and boring!!!
- Vandalizing is fun as long as you do it to any car!
- If You Smash An Old Persons Car You Get 10 Points!! High 5!
- Never, I mean NEVER, smash or vandalize a dustbin as these are not cars. Yes, even the ones with wheels...
The art of car vandalism is when someone takes someone's car without their consent, either a stranger’s or someone they know, and pimps it out in any ways they feel are necessary. This may include, but is not limited to getting someone with long fingernails to scratch profane words on the car, shooting chickens at the car (which strips the paint), setting unused rolls of toilet paper on the car, and painting the car colors which make the car’s owner look homosexual. Car Vandalism is the national sport of posers. So, why not smash your grandma's car, she would appreciate it loads! Another game I discovered is called 'bumper bashing'. This is where you take a hammer with you late at night and smash the hell out of car bumpers. You get 15 points if the car is owned by either a blind person or a gypsy. 50 extra points if you can remove the bumper after bashing.
One famous car vandal is Salvador Dali. He has most likely vandalized over 400 cars and growing, usually leaving them completely destroyed with trees and other plants growing out of them. On one occasion, it was reported that he vandalized a car and then used magic powers to levitate it up into a wall of solid rock, and leave it hanging. Firefighters then had to climb the wall, and use axes to knock it down, which thus totaled the car. Nice one dude.
Hoople Skunt gained fame in 1913 for becoming the first person to write "wash me" on the rear window of an automobile. After it was found mildly funny by the public, it gained popularity and can still be seen today on many vehicles. It is said that the term "hooptie", referring to shit box cars, came from this famous originator. Apparently, most people are either blind or are really bad spellers .
Uncyclopedia Articles on Cars
Haha, I totally got you! Boobies!
Cars and Women
If men didn't need cars to get a women they would screw them in a cardboard box if they could.
From the Latin roots "auto", meaning furious, and "mobile", meaning decorative structure, an automobile is any object that by its physical design evokes anger in those persons foolish enough to enter them. Automobiles are often equipped with rhino blinds, and the means to possess one of these metal transporters generally comes in a deceased relatives will.
Dangerous uses of the car
Some dangerous usage of automobiles is inhalation without filtering. Then there is the Drive by Shooting and the kamikaze bombing. Also, there is driving off a Cliff. The only person known to survive any of this is Jesus. Common automobiles include:
- Rolling Stones
- Hummer (powered by honeybees, which sting you, if you steal or ditch a HUMMER)
- Beetle (powered by little bugs)
- Your mom's ovaltine
- The World Rover GW
- The PT Cruiser
- Driving while wearing springs on feet makes unable to run fast
Decades ago some skimpy lawyer published a book called "Unsafe At Any Speed" and talks about how speed kills. so according to his logic, any kind of speed kills. cars gain speed over time so you will get killed, huffed, flattened, squished, huffed or stuck in the exhaust pipe. stay away from cars, unless you need/want to get killed!! Even if the car is not moving, it has zero speed, and since zero is a number, eventually you will die (I dare you to go 200 MPH you idiot). A new law has been made that you are only allowed to go wheel-spin if your car doesn't sound like a complete tractor like all the boy racer cars do. Never buy a Corsa for your first car as they are very slow and sound like a lawnmower.
(Caution- the book clearly mentions that speed kills, the car may have nothing to do with your death - only the mysterious bags of powder you found in the trunk)
Because speed kills in any way, shape or form, you are not allowed to move. Don't even move the mouse. Don't move a finger. In fact, your heart is currently speeding, so you better stop that, at which point you have a dilemma.
Cars and Alcohol
Throughout the centuries, rednecks and car nerds have experimented with feeding cars all manner of fluids. The most notable is alcohol. Whether done in a controlled laboratory or in some guys back back yard, the results are the same. The car weaves and eventually hits something like Officer Ricky or Oscar Wilde, both being wild on Shroom Doughnuts and alcohol.
Ethanol is the most popular form of booze thrown into a tank. It was made mandatory in Florida where the drunk Liberal invaders claimed it was helpful to the environment. They drink it. The local folk went along because ethanol is cheaper than rum and it was the only beverage that could bring the two nations together.
Shiners have been known to use Shroomshine, umm...Moonshine, as an power boost to evade cops who want some really crazy times.
Cars, like all modern machines, require frequent preventative maintenance to remain in peak operating condition. Owners should be sure to make the following checks and changes regularly:
- Check your oil level after every trip - even short ones - and change it every month.
- Top off your blinker fluid every 2,413 miles to prevent photonic radiation leaks.
- Regularly check your hubcap gaskets for wear and tear
- Open the seam on your muffler and check the conditions of your muffler bearings - corroded muffler bearings cause engine noise.
- Check to make sure your flux capacitor is fluxing properly before using your car for time travel.
- Be sure your wheels maintain a 360 degree turning radius - narrow turning radius is a sign of drive shaft lockup.
- Make sure to thin down your gas mix each time you fill up by adding a shot of whiskey or five to ten mothballs.
- Be sure you have enough speed holes - at least 20 - in the hood to improve fuel efficiency.
- Make sure you add three-inch (tire-tread) nails to improve winter traction
- And most importantly the AAA recommends turning your tires inside out after longer trips to prevent albino squirrels from mating in the inner linings.
Remember, regular maintenance now can prevent an expensive trip to the shop later. However, keep in mind that owner's manuals are written by the lowest bidder, and usually neglect to mention the most vital of maintenance items.
Interesting Car Facts
Cars have been known to induce vomiting in small children particularly if the car is beautifully made and has no flaws whatsoever. These sort of cars have also been known to steal from it's owners in a clumsy and flatulent way. Many people are appalled by the way these cars (Normally cheap things like Koenigseggs). Other cars have been known to produce harmful gases such as Oxygen, Argon and steel. Many cars are naughty and get spanked by their owners which many believe are cunts. It's often been said that these owners (cunts) are so in love with themselves that they wouldn't even notice a forest of vagisil jogging past them.
Notable car crashes
- A boy took a girl out on a date to a restaurant and they sat down to have a meal. While they were having their meal, the boy asked the girl "Do you want to see a car crash?", and then he stuck his tongue out with all the chewed up food on it, hoping that she'd find it funny. She gave him a slap in the face and rushes out. The boy was so devastated that she had broken up with him, he ended up having a real car crash on the way home.
- During a foggy morning in England, a man hit five pedestrians while driving his truck along Abbey Road. All five of them were The Beatles.
- A man had been driving his car for over 30 years until he fell asleep at the wheel.
- A man was being rushed to hospital in an ambulance when it collided with a truck. He was so badly injured after the crash, he had to be rushed to hospital.
- Your mom is so ugly, that when she lost the bus, she pointed out her thumb in order to get a hitch, sixteen motor vehicles (including a school bus) crashed into each other and caused maximum havoc. Then someone shouted: "AAH! Help us! An ugly, crab-attractive, mutated beetroot!!! Apparently she made all the cars crash, and she was quickly caught by a pack of crazy people armed with pitchforks and torches. She was found guilty of witchcraft and was sentenced to death by burning later that day.
- Willy Loman died in a car crash. Come on. Like father, like son, think about it, won't you?