Avant-garde jazz

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Here's an example an Avant-Garde Jazz album.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Avant-garde jazz.

Avant-garde jazz (also known as avant-jazz) is a crazy bastard son of regular Jazz. Unlike its sister genres, Avant Garde Jazz songs are over a substantial 5-10 minutes long, including some atonal solo oddessey of ausomeness wanking accompanied by a sexophone.

So because of its very loud volume of sound, many of the Easy Listeners react to it by covering their ears, and reacting in the overly Panic Disorder stage. Only to jump out of the window, and screaming to a painful and eternal bleeding death by rectal prolapse. And that's why it's been panned by many Mainstream Music critics from many countries as, "Is my ass bleeding now, because this is insane."


Before the Avant Garde Jazz was invented, many of the sociopaths were having to listen to the commercial, 2 minutes of catchy short Jazz-Pop songs in their Mental Hospital cell, played over and over again.

But then one day, the psycopaths were so fed up with it, that they escaped from that twisted Mental Hospital, stole every single musical instrument(s) from music stores all over the world, and made the most hauntingly lunatic Jazz songs that only your tone-deaf grandmother would've love. Among the mentalists, was the number one Ornette Coleman.

Yes; I know it doesn't make that much since, but it was in fact; that Billie Mays was a Free Jazz artist. He was great on the saxophone!

And so in the late 1950s and 1960s, others came along and raped every single saxophone that they could find, such as John Coltrane, Cecil Taylor, early Charles Mingus (before he decided to sell his soul to the bastardized Corpret Music Bisiness), Sun Ra, and Billy Mays. Billy Mays was in fact an Avant-Garde Jazz musician once; performing his saxophone in his earliest commercials, but didn't go so well since his first commercialls were very threatning; as pictured here.

But the music of Avant-Garde Jazz has never seen its full potential of becoming a popular genre. Many of the most Popular radio stations (notably in the 1980s) have refused to play every single Avant Garde Jazz singles all over Earth, categorizing it as "Ludicrous" and "Harmful to the ears of the crappy popular music in America; played by the tone deaf ears of the apathetic clowns of so-called musicians! Just one minute of Cecil Taylor's Unit Structure is just too much!". Regardless, many people with open minds (or to others, Ape Fucking Crazy Wack Jobs) over the years have been listening to the music and eventually bacame bitterly regretful at the mainstream music system. They thought about how those "Intolerable psuedo-music Corperations" disrespected the music of Avant-Garde Jazz and made people listen to a bunch of autotuned Namby-Pamby, carpetmuching-crap. Since the year 2000, the Avant Garde Jazz music has been hanging low in many small cities. With many of the bands performing in backwater clubs and other trash-can venues that makes Oscar the Grouch's white-trash home look like a million dollar mansion.


The reason why it's called "Avant-Garde Jazz" is because its in inspiration of Abstract art; drawn by distraught urban men, who expresses their feelings about the world by throwing paint on the walls, and calling it abstract.

The music is characterized by mostly free-form instrumentation. The sax is very prominent peforming wildly; the drums are pondering in a sloppy matter, the bass is slapped in the strings, and the Piano is played also in an atonal (and sloppy) manner. It's basically meant to avoid all musical structures in pop music, and to enable musicians to improvise whenever they want; but in our very questionably sophisticated world, it's like some amature 8-year old kids are destroying the equipment.

A typical Avant Garde Jazz performance. Look at the crowd roaring!

To many of the virgin-eared folk at an Avant-Garde Jazz performance, listening to it for the first time is like being raped by mechanical bull; riden by Anthony Weiner a creepy dude with a very direful erection. That is, unless if you're fucked up on LSD and/or wasted from drinking 6 gallons of AleSmith beer; then it's like you're riding on a unicorn; gazing into the beautiful skies as you wierdly enjoying the smell of Rainbow farts bursting out of the Unicorn ass. Due to such issues, many owners of big festivals refuse to let any Avant-Garde Jazz artist(s) perform there; fearing that, "their raspy sounds will cause a great massacre". And by that, meaning that audiances would kill themselves, or retret to their houses; chriminals will escape on the rampage killing everybody; and multiple natural disasters such as earthquarkes, and hurricanes.

Symptoms from Listening to Avant-Garde Jazz[edit]

A classic example when you listen to too much of Avant-Garde Jazz; or if you're into commercial pop music just hearing this for 2 minutes, you might become a cold-blooded serial killer.

There have been many severe results of listening to Avant-Garde Jazz. Scientists at many Psychiatric Hospitals have tested it on some typical obstructed retards, and it's been proven that after hearing for 5 minutes the song "Lonely Woman" by Ornette Coleman the retards have suffered Post-Traumatic Dissorder ever since. As for Tubby the Tuba, he used to be a harmless cartoon character praised by immature children until the essence of atonality came to his mind. Now days, he's a crazed madman living like a serial killer; carrying a butcher knife and a hockey mask at night slaughtering everybody.

Before the after.JPG

Many years ago back in the early 1960s, a man had bought a John Coltrane album Ascension. After listening to 5 minutes of it he became a crazed Schizophrenic; and because of it getting divorced from his wife because he was having sex with a trannie hooker, fired from his job, and became a homeless man drinking nothing but expired Jack Daniels liquor. He was discovered at a local asylum mimicking the maniacal Saxophone on the Coltrane album, before he died an hour later from suicide by falling from a window, in 1996.

Despite affected syndromes caused by listening to this music, Avant-Garde Jazz has somewhat been a good thing throughout the past few years. For example, its used to test on animals to see how they would react and the reaction was quite higher than humans. It's been speculated around America that in 1999, a dog was tested listening to Avant-Garde Jazz and he exploded like pure dynamite. The good news was that now people wouldn't have to buy illegal fireworks from China on the 4th of July. But the bad news was that two years later on September 11, 2001, the government decided to use that tactic to blow up the Twin-Towers on September 11, 2001. Only to put the blame on Al Queda.

Some of the Avant-Garde Jazz fans were abruptly sharing their strong feelings about their music being used for the mocking experimentation, calling it, "A form of unfair disrespect to the artists who have made a mark on that music, giving them and abstract artists a bad name!" But sadly for them, their complaints have fallen on deaf ears; due to the fact that none of the people mocking the music of Avant-Garde Jazz, would often point and laugh at the angry letters, and then throw it away.

How to listen to Avant-Garde Jazz[edit]

The essence of Avant-Garde Jazz (and Free Jazz too), requires some extrordanary listening and learning. That is unless if you're a psychomaniac whose escaped from a psychiatric hospital (or San Quentin Prison), wanting to channel your crazed energy by listening to some wild music. First, you have to turn on your record player and turn it up all the way to 30; second, put in any type of Avant-Garde Jazz into the record player and press play; and finally, while you're listening to the music, be sure to masturbate continuessley while the music's going on. Doing that would definately make you enjoy the chaoticness of the music while stroking your penis. But don't masturbate too hard, or your penis will cum uncontrollably, resulting in an eruption of spewing blood, and then your little Johnny splits in two. So good luck!

See Also (If you're a fan of Insane Articles)[edit]