Avril Lavigne

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Christ, we get it, you own a lot of neckties.

Avril Ramona Lavigne, as of 2002, is a seventeen-year-old girl who is flat chested. Lavigne has actually aged nine years since being seventeen years old, but these nine years are not notable. A Canadian, Lavigne belongs to the seemingly endless category of young female "singer-songwriters" who are convienient sockpuppets for music industry professionals.

At age seventeen, Lavigne was a sockpuppet of a trio known as The Matrix, spearheaded by Lauren Christy, a failed pop star notable for writing one minor hit before realizing financial success in the music industry was easier to achieve when manipulating a teenager from backstage. Lavigne has been passed around to other puppeteers since then, including the ubiquitous Max Martin, but that is, as mentioned, beyond the scope of this article.

While Lavigne today is classified by the United States Department of Homeland Security as an official waste of oxygen (and color-coded to match), the seventeen-year-old Lavigne is not, because she no longer exists - except interwoven into the rich tapestry of early 21st century pop culture, and also in slutty pictures that are probably illegal to possess.


In 1998, a 14-year-old Lavigne won a radio contest that allowed her to appear on stage for fifteen minutes with Shania Twain. During those fifteen minutes, Antonio Reid, the head of Arista Records, decided she had that "underacheiving teen whore" look that would allow him to sell her to teenagers who enjoy skateboarding. Thus, he offered her $1.25 million to allow The Matrix to insert their arms into her from behind and parade her around stage, flapping her mouth with their hands. Lavigne accepted, the three members of The Matrix made reasonably tight fists, Lavigne assumed a squatting position and allowed gravity to do its job, and the marriage was consummated.

By 2003, Lavigne had turned seventeen, and released her album "Let Go," a reference to the fact that the three hands clenching her tonsils had begun to cause her significant discomfort. "Let Go" was spearheaded by the single "Sk8er Boi," which appealed to skaters because it mentioned them. As the "skateboarder" was still a nascent cultural identity, skaters were beside themselves with joy at their existence being acknowledged by mainstream corporate pop music. The song began with the lyrics:

He was a boy
And she was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?

Unsurprisingly, Lavigne was swiftly sued by the estate of William Shakespeare for so blatantly stealing the prologue to Romeo and Juliet.

However, even this lawsuit failed to derail the success of the song, due to a prevailing opinion among skaters that Lavigne was more culturally relevant than Shakespeare and that he was probably somehow stealing from her in the future. (Several marijuana-inspired diagrams of this theft were produced in support of this assertion). Encouraged by Lavigne's newfound popularity, The Matrix flapped another follow-up hit out of Lavigne's jaws, this time with the following lyrics:

Life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is
'Cause life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is

This "song," too, swiftly became one of the most major hits of the 2000s, which probably says something about that decade.

Slutty pictures[edit]

Having sold a few million records, Lavigne entered the next phase in the life cycle of a young pop starlet: the larval phase slutty pictures.

And here are a few.


Lavigne's death is presumed to have occurred sometime around 2008, shortly after the release of her single "Hot." At least three dozen people are estimated to have heard this single and to have been saddened by the news of her passing.

External links[edit]