Axe

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Axe.

An axe is a type of weapon which is often used by vikings, savage little beasties who like blood, cheese and taking dumps on each other's heads, particularly when raiding and pillaging in a forest with lots of cheese in it. It's a little known fact that the use of axes was responsible for killing every tree on Easter island, which was bad because it caused erosion and the great dust bowl of 1896.

Types of Axe[edit]

Exclusive picture taken by Jeremy Kyle when he decided to have a go at a viking for getting a divorce. Unfortunately all Jezzer got was an axe in the head. What a mess.

There are several common types of axe, all of which have evolved from the Viking Axe, which evolved from the Viking's, who probably evolved from Satan.

Battle Axe[edit]

Battle Axes are more feared than Viking Axes as they are able to act autonomously. There are few known defenses against old women: the only two being another Battle Axe or a bite from the vicious tree serpent of Vietnam. The best defense, however, would probably be to run like hell.

Hammer[edit]

There are two sub-species of hammer:

The [[Hammer], which] was invented after a tiny little poorly-drawn man was attempting to fit a Viking Axe into a bowl and noticed that it was shit. He later moved on from the hammer, to a spoon. All he did then was cut a few bits out and add a few bits and it was done. It was then sold for the incredibly cheap price of your wife. A signed copy could be obtained for the addition of your children, and a signed copy written in semen from the man himself could be bought for your soul. Because of this, the Hammer became incredibly popular and is now the worldwide number one type of axe, a fact which made the vikings very angry. Angry enough to eat Edam cheese (oh dear... we're in trouble now). Hammers are generally designed for use with one or two hands, although other versions do exist, including the three handed and the "killer bill will grill you" types. To combat the popularity of the Hammer, the vikings invented the screw, which cannot be put in place with a hammer, or indeed anything at all.

And the more common MC Hammer.

Turnip Cutting Axe[edit]

One also knows that the only conventional means to cut a turnip is with a Turnip cutting axe. One can convert any normal axe listed above into a Turnip Cutting Axe simply by bringing it into the kitchen. Any remnants of wood, blood, or anything else on the axe can only improve the flavour of the turnip, which is known to be the most vile root.

The Teacher's Axe[edit]

The phrase "Be very afraid of the Teacher's axe" originated from a teacher who had threatened her students with an axe if they were not quiet. This resulted in several desks being split in two and students writing sentences on the chalkboard with one arm or bollock. The children told their parents about the teacher and her axe and then several calls to the school followed. These were of parents who were greatly impressed by the teacher's disciplining abilities and told every other teacher that they should use axes as a disciplinary tool, as the previous disciplinary tool, Rulers, were getting very outdated and were more inaccurate than a drunk guy playing darts with a blindfold and a pair of earmuffs on who suffered from Parkinsons and really needed the toilet. In other words no-one has ever been hit with it. Soon after the new tools were implemented, children developed a defense known as the "Hadou Ken", which, utilized correctly, can obliterate a teacher from 8 paces, cutting their legs off before random dynamite appeared in their bodies. Though only few possessed the skill necessary to use it, the ratio is good enough that at least one kid in every classroom could cast it.

Big Axe[edit]

This is a really really big axe that can be found in a treasure chest somewhere. Along with the Ax you will most likely find some party members, and then the fight will begin. The aforementioned fight is a cataclysmic and climatic battle where you have to kill Satan approximately 20 times without dying. This, of course, is a breeze. After all, you got a Big Ax. (Da-da-da-DAAAAAAAAAA!).

Giant Axe[edit]

Not even Yngwie Malmsteen on crack can stop you now!

you all suck big axe!


Deodorant[edit]

The use of axes as a deodorant is thought to have first occurred around 1700AD, when someone commented that a viking raider's armpits were smelly, at which point he lopped off both of his own arms in a style which has been preserved perfectly to this day. The onlookers were immediately amazed at the reduction in smell, and all proceeded to follow the viking's lead. This method is still common in the United States of Armenia, however has been superseded by the Lynx method in Great Britain, whereby a household Lynx bites off the smelly person's arms. Several reports claim that both of these methods make people say "bom chika wah wah," unlike the pepper spray used to suffocate all of the miniature wookiees inhabiting the armpit hair. Armpit hair should be destroyed as it tried to destroy us all.


The use of Axes as a deodorant is not to be confused with a brand of deodorant called "Axe" because the name for the chemical is over 40 letters long and takes at least two and a half minutes to pronounce. Because of what it really is, it is not normally called "Axe". It is more commonly known as "Death Cloud in a Can." I use my axe to cut a slice of cheese!!!!!!!!! (viking's cheese. Always).

Rocker Axe[edit]

Axes are the primary weapon of choice amongst rock musicians, they are used most effectively when empowered by a large Marshall stack. They come in many shapes and sizes including the infamous Hendrix dual neck 6-12. Smashing one's axe against expensive electronics is a popular way to conclude a battle.

Maintenance of Axe[edit]

It is very important to every proud owner of an Axe to keep it clean and in shape, in order not to fail when attempting to use it. Be sure that all blood is wiped off before mutilating, as your victim might get ill otherwise. It is also important to sharpen the blade as hacking through bone often dulls it to the point where the Axe can only be use as a curved beating stick. Upon slaughtering your victim, it is suggested that you grin and slowly let your tongue glide across the blood spattered parts of the axe. This rule was less encouraged, however, following a few incidents where complete retards sliced their tongues in half by running it along the sharp edge. This is proper axe etiquette.