Ayn Landers is a renowned author, philosopher and hero to
millions thousands of nerdy overprivileged dweebs who've read too much Heinlein. She writes the famous syndicated advice column named after her. Send your letters to: Ayn Landers, Objective Guidance, Uncyclopedia, Wikiality, Florida. Enclose a stamp, you lazy bum.
Overweight Aristotelian individual
Dear Ayn Landers: Our beautiful 40-year-old daughter has become increasingly heavy. She is aware of the problem and would like to do something about it. The conclusion of family members is that food may have become the family entertainment and perhaps even a substitute for compatibility. The obvious detriment to her health and self-image is of concern to all of us. Can you suggest anything we might do to help Trudi accomplish her goal of losing weight and regaining her self-esteem? - Worried Father in Illinois
Dear Father: The best favor you can do for your daughter is throw her fat ass out on the street. Her lack of enlightenment as to where her true self-interest lies will remain the source of all her problems, and of yours.
When and if she gets serious about shedding the excess poundage, she will do so on her own or get help from her doctor. Family pressure will only encourage her present whiny attitude. In the meantime, sending her out to hard honest laboring work is the best thing for all concerned.
Dear Ayn Landers: The "sugar daddy" of the 1930s is not dead - he is alive and well and living in Florida. My husband hired a "secretary" who could not type, do shorthand or file. Her expense account, over and above her generous salary, was $1,000 a month. She did not have to submit receipts, nor did she account for her time. Her first month in the office, she took a nine-day vacation. When the chief of operations finally terminated this flea brain, my husband saw to it that she received a month's severance pay. He is 72 and still keeps in touch with this shrewd little cupcake. He thinks I don't know. I'm too old to consider divorce or separation, but it would do my heart good to see this letter in the paper. Please make my day. - The Old Gray Mare in Brandon, Florida.
Dear Old Gray Mare: I guess there's no fool like an old fool. It's obvious your problem with this arrangement is your jealousy at his greater self-realisation and creation of value in the world and his therefore enhanced ability to achieve more with the wealth he creates. Money is a tool of exchange. Money is the material shape of the principle that those who wish to deal with one another must deal by trade and give value for value. Money is not the tool of the moochers, who claim your product by tears or of the looters, who take it from you by force. Money is made possible only by the men who produce.
What you need to do is get off your backside and help the world along in helping yourself, not be a net drain in a zero-sum system. Quit your whining. You're in Florida, write an encyclopedia or something.
Have more regard for self and quality
Dear Ayn Landers: I've known "Anita" for 10 years and thought we were close. But eight months ago, I started a small business selling handcrafted jewelry, and last week, Anita informed me that she is going to start selling handcrafted jewelry, too. I am fuming that this so-called "friend" would go into competition with me. Please advise me. - Not Pleased in North Dakota
Dear Not Pleased: Is this proceeding with the concept of yourself as a heroic being, with your own happiness as the moral purpose of your life, with productive achievement as your noblest activity, and reason as your only absolute? Of course it isn't. Go back and reread Johnny Galtboy Tyler's speech in volume 11 of Fountainhead Earth. You know it makes sense. There is no alternative.
Dear Ayn Landers: That's not what you said when your twin sister started an advice column.
Dear Not Pleased: How dare you disagree with me. IN THE NAME OF REASON, I EXPEL THIS PARASITE FROM OUR COLLECTIVE!
When planning a cult, who pays for what? Who stands where? "The Ayn Landers Guide for Landroids" has all the answers. Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Collectives, Ayn Landers, Objective Guidance, Uncyclopedia, Wikiality, Florida. (In Canada, send $4.55.) And remember, A equals A!