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Hang on, you sure there was nothing in your coffee?

“Did I fuckin' stutter?”

~ Barry Bonds on BALCO

BALCO, sometimes known as "Ball go," was a company in San Fransisco formed by Victor Over in 1812. BALCO was made to provide birth control to athletes, but it ended up giving some random athletes flaxseed oil. Magically, all of the athletes suddenly got buff and failed steroid tests. Some say that BALCO was an undercover meeting place for the Priory of Sion, noting as C.J. Hunter and Barry "Bondage" Bonds were often seen filming gay porn in the basement while surrounded by eclectic orbs such as shot put balls and baseballs. In 2005, BALCO was discovered as actually being a whorehouse, and as it was in San Fransisco, it was not shut down.


The list of athletes using BALCO, as released by the Almighty One is as follows: Barry Bonds, Mr. T., Barry Bonds, Rob Schneider, Barry Bonds.


From Victor Over and BALCO, Barry Bonds received these various drugs: Deca Durabolin for testicle shrinking, Clomin because he was a hermaphrodite and didn't want to impregnate himself, The Cream (Cheese) to put on his toast at breakfast, and The Clear just for the heck of it. Other athletes received the same drugs.


BALCO trials are still going on, currently debating whether Bonds' testicles grew or shrunk. Most agree it's probably best not to look too closely.