BOOB life vest
BOOB life vest
Concept and Design
The main idea behind this device was meant to be a solution to an old problem: how to save the lives of certain unfortunates whom were lost at sea or happened to be carpooling with Ted Kennedy.
The idea behind the device was simply a life jacket with a pair of large inflatable boobs. The idea behind the boobs was to immediately attract the attention of horny sailors where upon discovery, the hapless survivor is rescued. This is not the first time boobs have been used as an attention getter (see WMD's Weapons of Mass Distraction). However, the idea of a lifejacket was a new approach.
The concept was invented by Ron Jeremy who was inspired by many of his works. The idea was immediately taken on by horny research scientists, most likely as a distraction from their lonely, virgin and sad lives. Within a week of proposal, the first set were tested.
List of people in development team:
- Your dad
- Chuck Norris (he's just there cause he is a jerk who threatened to kill us... arrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhh!)
- The new guy who had to replace the dead technician.
- Jack Bauer (there to ensure we are not developing a boobnuclear bomb or something like that)
- The lots of researchers.
- The rest
- The rest that I forgot or can't be bothered to include.
Development was relatively simple. A set of inflatable skin coloured sacks were simply attached to a normal life vest with their own inflation devices. Colour was the biggest issue with some saying there should be a white bikini spot to enhance effects. Development somewhat declined later on in the project, see below.
Performance and Criticisms
The vest worked like a dream, with lost survivors being rescued by the minute. Nothing needed to be said more.
However, there were apparent problems with the use.
Personell had become so fond of the vests, they were deliberately getting themselves wrecked. This involved people scuttling ships and ejecting from perfectly good aircraft, causing lots of damage including the Great Stock Market crash of 1929.
Also the life vests only worked on American sailors who had a weakness for large breasts.
Also in male survivors, a condition called Vestdick readily developed where the penis of the afflicted inexplicably gets larger. This has been unfortunately known to create more weight down below and cause the survivor to sink and drown (usually with their hands still on the vest). For those with small brains, the drained skull meant air would accumulate inside and act as an inflation device, countering the extra weight. This though can have a long term effect where the skull thickens until brain space is reduced drastically, depending on amount of time lost at sea. This is an illness known as George. W. Bush syndrome. However, as with most maladies occuring at sea, the victims have been known to perform great achievements despite their handicaps.
A more disturbing side effect is where the inflators become overloaded, causing the boobs to burst, causing certain sensitive survivors' heads to asplode.
There were attempts to rectify these problems, however, dispute broke out amongst the researches with research being disrupted completely in an incident when a Grue ate five researchers.
List of Test Subjects
- Dead Technician.
- Pamela Anderson
- Your mom
- Rosanna, the fat loser
- Oprah, hey, you think Rosanna didn't need company?
- Grue, more likely, thrown overboard and found a vest. It eventually drowned in a delirious fit of hunger when it attempted to eat the boobs.