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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Baal.

Baal Babelgod Not the Christ is Bengali for pubic hair. He was also a minor godlet who provided basic internet service to the Canaanite sector of Old Earth (c. 2222 BCE to 2002 AD). It is rumored by some that Baal is the same as Zeus, or maybe even Sauron, but that's just plain silly.

The birth and childhood of Baal[edit]

The origins of Baal are obscure, but he is generally believed to have been birthed out of the left armpit of the Norse goddess Hildegaard during the Age of the Great Hoo-hah in the Enchanted Forest. The young Baal then wandered to and fro o'er many ancient lands until he found a strange but gentle people who needed his assistance in dealing with a massive invasion of vicious Torah thumpers who were led by the notorious Biblegod. Baal quickly signed the Canaanites to a comprehensive plan of enhanced fertility and cool-looking idolatric intercessory interfaces in exchange for their immortal souls and $19.99 per month.

Strained relations with other deities[edit]

It is no secret that Baal and Biblegod disliked each other intensely from the get-go. They would often hurl nasty epithets and other proverbs at each other from their respective temples over a period of many centuries, and regularly accuse each other of being a false fucking asswipe of a god.

Baal 1, Biblegod 0[edit]

Finally, Baal couldn't take it any more, so he challenged Biblegod to a duel to see which god could successfully avoid eating any tasty sacrifices for a period of three days. Ezra (Biblegod's number one hired goon spokesprophet (and there was none better (in those days, at least))) then very stupidly prepared such an extremely tasty sacrifice for the Israelite deity that He couldn't help Himself; so He helped Himself to it and lost the duel forthwith.

Baal lives happily ever after, then suddenly unexists[edit]

Later, after Biblegod and the Torah thumpers got their collective asses kicked by the primitive Babylonians, Baal lived in peace and harmony with the happy and productive pagan idol worshipers of the Fertile Crescent until 2002 AD, when the famous atheist Michael Newdow successfully proved that Baal did not, in fact, exist.

Cloning experiments[edit]

Recent years have seen Baal's cloning experiments in the early 50's reach fruition. By taking strands of his non-existent DNA and mixing it with overweight Asian guys he has eventually been able to create slightly overweight, but otherwise perfect duplicates of himself, which he has put to use marketing mobile phones and selling his Record collection on eBay.

See also[edit]