Baby Catapult

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The baby catapult was once the mainstay of medieval armies, effective both as a siege weapon and, in smaller forms, as field artillery. However, during the early modern period it was made obsolete by the development of first the toddler trebuchet followed by the canon office equipment cannon. In response, the enemy would traditionally use toys and chocolate to distract the catapult infants if they made it over the enemy boundaries.


Archaeological evidence shows that the earliest designs of baby catapults came about in the early fourth century BC, agreeing with evidence provided in accounts of the Battle of Leuktra (371BC), in which the infamous Spar Supermarkets were defeated by the slightly less popular Thebans (from the city of Thebes, in Greece not Egypt). The spar space hopper troops were, according to the chronicler Xylophone, "stopped by the sheer force of 1000 infants falling upon them at a great velocity." Unfortunately the baby catapults used here proved too expensive and required too much manpower to use on a regular basis, leading the technology to remain unused until the Second Punic War, when Anthony Hopkins was driven back from Rome, when the Roman commander, the famous Ford Scorpio utilised the woods surrounding the city to build forty catapults specifically for the launching of extra loud babies. these did the trick, driving the elephants Hopkins was relying on to stampede through the Carthaginian lines killing man of Hopkins's finest units. After finishing his liver and onions, along with a refreshing glass of Chianti made from the remains of the underage ammunition used against him, Hopkins returned to Carthage, taupe with embarrassment.


Scorpio's catapult design was used regularly, the basic construction unchanging until superseded by the toddler trebuchet. The majority of these engines were torsional, often resulting in the operator having to make a visit to a surgeon in order to undo the damage caused to their right testicles. The payload bay at the top of the throwing arm would be of differing shapes depending on the type of ammunition (see below) used.


There were several different types of baby used with the baby catapult, with some of the more popular listed below:

Dead Babies[edit]

  • Aborted Foetus (with juice)
  • Stillborn (late termination)
  • Stillborn (miscarriage)
  • Dead Baby (possibly cot death, or sudden blow to the head)
  • Undead baby (popular in medieval ghost stories, though rare in reality)
  • Undead baby with bat wings and bad breath (this is just silly. If they had bat wings, the catapults would be obsolete.)

Live Ammunition[edit]

  • Screaming baby
  • Screaming baby with diarrhea
  • Overweight baby
  • Diseased baby
  • Exploding baby
  • Vicious baby
  • Dominatrix baby
  • Dominatrix baby with diarrhea
  • Venereal baby
  • Chocolate baby
  • Baby Lord
  • Baby bjorn

Notable uses of the Baby Catapult in the Middle Ages[edit]

  • 1096 The First Crusade - After Pope Urban III preached a crusade to seize the Holy Land for Christendom from the Islams, huge armies of carpenters and militaristic midwives began to build the catapults and procure the ammunition that would be necessary in the taking of such cities as Antioch, Jerusalem, and Topeka. Despite the use of scrummage, machetes, and drop goals, the Saracens were no match for the baby-assisted crusaders.
  • 1204 The Fourth Crusade (1st conquest of Constantinople) - The Dog of Venice made use of the catapults during his sea-borne siege. The catapults were placed on the tops of towers at the forecastles of his galleys, thus enabling the Babies (a combination of vicious, overweight, and dominatrix babies) to be launched over the impressive sea walls and into enemy territory.
  • 1415 Agincourt - Despite being hugely outnumbered by French cavalry, Henry V was able to induce a shock defeat by use of the English longbow. What is not realised is the artillery behind the Strongbow Super Longbows was a trio of baby catapults, able to fire both Aborted foetuses and Vicious babies, destroying the French rear.
  • 1462 Ottoman conquest of Lesbos, using female Dominatrix babies.
  • 1485 Bosworth field