Bacon Bits

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“Bacon Bits, they're good for the soul...I think”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bacon Bits
These so called "bacon bits" in their natural form.

Bacon Bits, or pieces, as some misinformed fools call them, were first thought to have been invented by Jesus around the late 1970's. However, after much suspicion about the true origin of these so called "bacon bits", scientists, philosophers, podiatrists and the like worldwide, united as one and formed the society we know today as the "S.O.B. Society" or "Source Of the Bits". Together, they (within five days) found the truth behind these crispy bits of fleshy goodness. They discovered that the true source of bacon bits was none other than the crazy/psycho/pedophile/pop superstar/has been, Michael Jackson. Which explains the attraction of small children to these so called "bacon bits".


“Whats wrong with sharing your bits....with children?”

~ Michael Jackson on Bacon Bits


Is it Bacon?[edit]

Awww, the age old question. It's been asked time and time again by everyone from bacon enthusiasts to your local animal shelter. The answer however has been a slippery one. As in bacon bits have been found to contain a large amount of a slippery substance known only by the name Jesus Juice (a thick grease-like liquid whose true origin is currently unknown). Beyond that bacon bits have been found to contain little to no actual bacon at all. Mr. Jackson has claimed that they are completely organic in most senses and occur almost naturally in a place he calls Neverland. hi hi

Nutritional Value[edit]

Bacon bits have also been found to have little to no nutritional value whatsoever. Containing close to 436.3 grams of fat per bit, 7 grams of sodium, 10 grams of Plutonium and 33 grams of an unknown element that has recently been called by the notable Dr. Killenpork "Arsenics retarded half brother". A spoonful of bacon bits each day is said to hold the key to eternal life, although no evidence yet supports this claim.

Medicinal Use[edit]

Over the last three weeks, doctors around the globe (that is Eastern Europe and China) have begun a series of trials that include the use of bacon bits as an anesthetic during long invasive procedures. Results thus far have been inconclusive. It is not certain whether or not the bacon bits have any effect at all on the patient. One procedure in particular, called "heart-removal" (exclusively performed in Bratislava) has had severely negative results. The patient unfortunately seems to die almost 98.6% of the time.

Veterinary Therapy[edit]

The use of Bacon Bits by South American hog wrestlers to remove dead tissue from animal wounds is part of folk medicine and song in many parts of the world. It is particularly helpful with chronic ohmygodmyassburnsitis, chronic funky lumps, and other pus-producing infections that are frequently caused by chafing by work equipment forced on South American cats in the work fields. Formal Bacon Bits therapy for dogs in the United States began in 2003 (after a study running from 1867 to 1901 by Kansas shoe-specialist veterinarian Samuel Slupmias of Sorry We Killed It Animal Hospital in Lexington, Kansas.) Dr. Slupmias is a frequent consultant on cases of complications of itsnotcomingoutis and other ass(behind) diseases. He recommends Bacon Bits therapy for conditions such as mydogisgay to ithinkitsdead, sub-solar abscesses leading to massive erections, post-surgical treatment of drug removal procedure for puncture wounds infecting the anal regions, cankers on the paws, non-healing shifty eyes, and post-surgical site cleaning of bathroom.

You, and Bacon Bits[edit]

Despite the many drawbacks of consuming bacon bits, such as hearing loss, speech impediments, further retardation, kidney failure, liver failure, irratability, Super AIDS, possible heart failure, a sudden urge for plastic surgery (especially on ones nose) and ultimately a complete change of gender and possibly skin tone, bacon bits are still widely enjoyed by many individuals worldwide. But hey, when you think about it these are all just simply minor side effects one must endure throughout the search for eternal life. So I say, enjoy some bacon bits today!! ( you'll only live forever...maybe...I think).

See Also[edit]


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Bacon Products
Bacon | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Pork Products | Pigs
People Named Bacon
Richard Bacon | Kevin Bacon
All things Bacon
Bacon's Rebellion | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | BLT