Bacon Mist

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General Stuff:
Name:
Bacon Mist
State at Room Temperature:
Completely Evil
Symbol
Bm
Atomic properties:
Atomic number:
666
Atomic weight:
13
Atomic size:
3.141592653589...
Physical properties:
Melting point:
666oC (because Celsius is evil)
Boiling point:
666oC
Density:
very, very stupid
Atomic Flavor:
Sour bacon
Alchemical purity:
Yea, like sulphur, I say
Half-Life:
-∞
Calories per serving:
death

Bacon Mist is the most dangerous , unclean, and unholy substance in the Universe.Used for years as a weasel repellant due to its opposition to weaselpudge--the Pope of the animal-based lipids and such-- Bacon Mist is known for its distinct flavor (and by distinct, we mean "vile", and by flavor, we mean "lack thereof").

Uses of Bacon Mist[edit]

Baconfnord Mist possesses a variety of uses, from human shull crusher to Bat Fuck Insane module, and collapsible rain chicken, but no one knows what the hell that means, so it's no more than an obsolete religious term these days (that's right: religion!). Bacon Mist is typically placed upon an alter alongside a bucket of chilled water by a Pudgian priest and left for twenty minutes in the hopes that weaselpudge will "smite thee", though it never really works out, as the priest always gets smoked indefinitely.

Otherwise, it can be lightly basted and spiced for a sweet, smokey "log-cabin" flavor, like what Nana used to make. A popular choice for Abaddon, King of Demons. Of course, you'd be selling your soul, but at least you can linger on slowly fading childhood memories for one sweet moment.

Historically, Bacon Mist (IBID Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott) has been used by a 'Bacon Shield' wielding Jester as an excellent Jew repellent. Other similar odd food cults (such as Muslims) may be likewise avoided with bacon and its pungent yet compelling mist.

Though PITA vociferously decries bacon and other meat consumption, a BLT made with a pita is delicious!

Power of Bacon Mist[edit]

The power of Bacon Mist can be easily demonstrated with the following logical reasoning:

I:

  1. you dont talk about bacon mist
  2. YOU DONT TALK ABOUT BACON MIST
  3. Bacon Mist has great power, but less than weaselpudge.
  4. Weaselpudge has infinite power.
  5. Considering 3 and 4, it would be logical to assume that if weaselpudge were to smite Bacon Mist, Bacon Mist could do nothing about it.
  6. Bacon Mist is evil.
  7. Weaselpudge hates evil things and wishes for the destruction of all evil things. Like Drew Carey.
  8. Therefore, weaselpudge hates Bacon Mist.
  9. Considering 3 and 6, it could be assumed that weaselpudge should and would smite Bacon Mist in all its power. But consider the following:

  1. Weaselpudge is omnipotent. That means it can do whatever the feck it wants! Just like Dave Chappelle.
  2. If weaselpudge were to smite Bacon Mist, there would be no more Bacon Mist.
  3. The result of 2 is that weaselpudge could no longer smite Bacon Mist, since there would be naught any bacon Mist to smite.
  4. The result of 3 is that weaselpudge would not be omnipotent any longer.
  5. Weaselpudge is always omnipotent. That's part of its omnipotence.
  6. Considering 4 and 5, it can be said that weaselpudge cannot smite Bacon Mist.
  7. Since smiting is the lowest possible measure of authority (i.e. your boss, parents, and teachers all have the power to smite thee), considering this statement as well as 6, it can be said that weaselpudge has no power over Bacon Mist.
  8. But it still has power over you, so don't piss it off.

How to obtain Bacon Mist[edit]

Bacon mist is typically found in nature within tight deposits along with pig iron ore. This fresh dung-ore can be obtained via huge claw of death, otherwise known as spork. Plastic sporks possess no power over Bacon Mist, and thus, are useless for mining. Metal sporks, though... now those kick some ass. Unfornunately, they were banned in 1942 due to some crazy Democrat left-wing conspiracy shit involving squirrels and gyroscopes in Little Rock (don't ask). Of course, as always, eBay is there to help. A typical eBayish metal spork costs around $3.24 (US), though they can go for more than $5.40 (whooooo, big spender!!). But the process of obtaining a metal spork is a tedious one, involving many inconvenient plot twists, half-baked story-lines, flaccid characters, and deus ex machina solutions (all with robots and monkeys, though!! Whooooo!!!). But then again,why would you want Bacon Mist? <Twilight Zone theme song plays in background>

The Weaselpudge=Bacon Mist Theory[edit]

A few years ago, some crazy left-wing Democrat researchers put out this crack-pot theory that Bacon Mist is somehow the same as weaselpudge. They argued <in a mocking tone>: "Well, weaselpudge has no power over Bacon Mist, and Bacon Mist has no power over weaselpudge. That must mean they're the same. Dee dee dee!!!"

But as one young Republican said in what is perhaps the most intelligent moment of all mankind: "Yeah, well--you're momma's so fat, she need all o' Lake Eyrie to baptise her! Oh, burn!" No, seriously, he said: "Well, humans are white, and God is white, does that mean we're all the same?" And immediately was he smited by weaselpudge, black people, The Black Jesus, and yo momma. After that, it is estimated that over 40% of black people converted to Pudgism, and over 123% of Christians hideously and shamelessly forced their religion onto more innocent and peaceful cultures. Again. And Athe barfed on your face, too. And the world ceased to exist for approximately twelve seconds. and God killed a kitten somewhere. And some Inuit guy killed a baby seal with a harpoon to the head.

No, really, racial jokes and dead baby pinnepeds aside, the Weaselpudge=Bacon Mist theory holds no kernel of truth. Weaselpudge is superior to Bacon Mist in every which way. NOW GO TO BED!!!

See Also[edit]


BaconBrothers.gif
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Bacon Products
Bacon | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Pork Products | Pigs
People Named Bacon
Richard Bacon | Kevin Bacon
All things Bacon
Bacon's Rebellion | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | BLT

BTW I JIZZED IN MY PANTS.