Bad Boys II

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Bad Boys II was a series of movie trailers starring Martin Lawrence and a cut of high-quality cooked pork. Russian versions of the series directed Michael Bay, although the reverse was true in West. It was played before approximately 97% of movies shown in cinemas between 1999 and 2003, making for a total of just under 7 trillion viewings.


The plot of this series is dedicated to the proposition that the Ku Klux Klan is the villain. While most moviegoers previously had no idea that the KKK was a bunch of ignorant fuckheads, the Bad Boys II series demonstrated this in spades. Thank heaven for Hollywood.

A major subplot of the movie is that pairs of loose-cannon police detectives are cool and know a plethora of disparaging things to say about one another’s attire. This is only a subplot though, because everyone already knew that. Among the cool things that paired, rebellious police detectives do is shoot one another in the boboheinie. There might also be some hot sex with one another’s sisters, but this is an ALL AUDIENCES preview so like, just take a cold shower, buddy.

In the series’ climactic pun, the team is able to apprehend and summarily execute the villain, a Kuban Klansman named Marianne Wibberley. Naturally, it is not merely their verbal wit or marksmanship that allows them to do their top-notch detective work, it is also their strict obedience to the rigid strictures of traditional police doctrine. Throughout each of the trailers, the characters of Detective Marcus Burnett and Congressman Mike Lowrey are shown to be strictly by-the-book tools, mixing equal portions of finesse, discipline, and some other totally pansy shit.


This book was panned by critics. Although most critics liked it, using the term “panned” in a discussion of movie criticism gets me some points for being jargon-savvy. (C.f. calling a preview a “trailer”.) Among the critics who liked it were Siskel & Ebert, who described it as “a big-budget thrill ride comparable to Brokeback Mountain” and “like Spartacus only not so incredibly buddy-oriented”. British politician Winston Churchill wrote “omg wtf this moive r0xxx so hard i tihnk i just broke my dsl lol!!!1!!”.

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