A bad thing is not the exact opposite of a good thing. As a example, stepping on dog shit is usually considered a bad thing, but not stepping on dog shit isn't usually considered fortunate. In fact, when ten thousand happy people were interviewed in the 1976 Are U Happy Or Not Query, only 0.3% related their happiness to not stepping on dog shit. (As a curious fact, 56% related their happiness to the fact they had not yet heard anything about Tom Cruise, Osama Bin Laden, Oprah Winfrey, or Martha Stewart Jackson).
Bad things can be found in various forms in nature, and most probably, they will happen to you someday. In fact, a bad thing will occur to you in the next five minutes. Watch out.
A bad thing is, just like a good thing, a kind of thing.
Examples of bad things
- The spork.
- Falling into a bear trap.
- Getting your nuts cracked.
- Getting AIDS after stepping on broken glass.
- Failing to hide from a polar bear.
- Getting caught naked in your office.
- Your wife finding out about your huge porn collection (even worse if it is Little Boy Fancy Magazine).
- Getting the flu.
- Getting the flu after you recovered from the previous flu.
- Getting a pneumonia after two consecutive flus.
- Having all your uncyclopedia entries erased by a moron.
- Having your identity stolen and returned two weeks later, used and dirty.
- A nurse getting confused and sending you already drugged for sex change surgery.
- Spraying milk through the nose in front of the girl you like.
- Watching chick flicks when you are not a chick.
- Getting trampled by a football team who mistakenly throws the ball to you.
- Spraying elephant pheromones on yourself during mating season.
- Meeting the only Killer and Sexual Abuser Whale in Seaworld.
- Being born as Michael Jackson's child.
- Being Michael Jackson.
- Reincarnating into Jimmy Hoffa.
- Getting your car stolen...
- ...with your body in the trunk.
- Unjamming the blender with your fingers inside it.
- Running out of printer paper.
- Running out of toilet paper (worse).
- Running out of toilet paper with family visiting (worser).
- Running out of toilet paper with family visiting and the extra toilet paper is upstairs (worserer).
- Running out of toilet paper and there is no extra (worsererer).
- Running out of toilet paper and getting AIDS (worsererererest).
- Going to a Helloween party, having wild sex with a cute girl, and then realizing it is your daughter.
- Being at a Helloween party as a kitten and being huffed.
- Spelling Halloween wrong, twice.
- Finding out your girlfriend's real name is Fred
- Watching porn, and recognizing your mom.
- Watching gay porn and recognizing your dad.
- Laughing at the drunk guy in a gay movie, and recognizing yourself!
- Slipping on a banana peel...
- ...that you dropped on the floor.
- Dropping a bowling ball on your foot.
- Dropping a bowling ball on someone elses foot (worse).
- Dropping a bowling ball on some bikers foot (worser).
- Dropping a bowling ball on some bikers head from above where he can't possibly get at you. (arguably this is also a good thing, until...)
- Finding out that the rest of the bikers' gang is sitting right behind you. (worsererer)
- Being Nikki and given a 24 year ban.
- Getting fired.
- Getting fired at.
- Getting set on fire.
- Getting decapitated with a chainsaw.
- Being You.
- Reading Wikipedia.
- Being the son of Wikipedia.
- Dying on a video game (worse).
- Dying in a
- Anything Microsoft produced
- Robert Sugden (the baddest bad thing of them all)
- Except for Jamie Berry
Bad things can be classified as follows:
- Bad things.
- Badder things.
- Baddest things.
It doesn't make grammatical sense, but it serves some obscure purpose. Some theorists believe that there may also exist two more categories:
- 4. Baddester things,
- 5. Baddestest things,
but the existence of these categories is still hotly debated among English Teachers and Kittens. All bad things have been classified by the National Bureau of Bad Things, and are published on Friday the 13th, every 13 months. The first tome of the Encyclopedia of Bad Things starts on page 13,428 and goes from A (Aardvark attack) to C (Cowation). The tomes are as follows:
- Tome II: D (Dehydration) to F (Failure on opening parachute)
- Tome III: G (Gorillas in heat) to I (Insertion of wrong probe)
- Tome IV: J (Jynx) to L (Lesbian girlfriend)
- Tome V: M (Mean mother) to O (Oprah)
- Tome VI: P (Parasytic infestation) to R (Rambo IV)
- Tome VII: S (Seal rampage) to T (Tom Cruise going nuts on you)
- Tome VIII: U (Underwear ripping) to V (Venereal disease)
- Tome IX: W (Wendy Carlos) to X (Xylophone lodged on chest)
- Tome X: Y (Yo mama) to Z (Zooboomafoo)
A few words of advice
Nobody is free from being victimized by bad things. That's why we need the help of every Uncyclopedist available in order to expand our knowledge of bad things. Please feel free to add more bad things. If we are able to categorize them, we will be able to predict them and thus, we could become immortals. Unless that something unexpected happens. And remember, in Soviet Russia, bad things happen to YOU!!! Wait, that's not right. In Soviet Russia, you happen to BAD THINGS!!! Ah, just forget it.