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The Baguette is a nuclear capable tactical payload vector and delivery system developed by France. It is currently deployed by the French military as part of its secret defense system.

The baguette is characterized as having a range of 1000 nm and can deliver camembert warheads in the 100-150 kt yield range. I've got one of these in my backyard and absolutely no-one dares parking in front of my garage !


Napoleon being presented with the Mk I baguette. He is obviously not happy
Mk III Baguette on its launchpad, with yeast-water and flour tanks

The program was initiated by Napoleon 23rd (Napoleon Bonaparte) around April 1807 (approximately) in order to replace the then aging pieces of artillery which only had a range of 1-2 nm and that only had limited military effectiveness (basically, they sucked BIG TIME). Napoleon had stated to his generals for justification of the initiation of the program : "Ze guns we have suck ! we need to have somessing that will really wipe ze ass of zose brits" - which can be roughly translated to : "The guns we have suck ! we need to have something that will really wipe the ass of those brits" (Linguists are still discussing about this one since it may also mean : "Be right back, I need to take a leak")

Development was initiated and lead to the creation of the "Mk I" baguette - which proved to be a complete failure. The research team had widely misunderstood the concepts and created a loaf of bread (what a bunch of morons) - which despite having a delicious taste (disputed fact) only had a range of ~15 feet when manually propelled and no destructive yield whatsoever (except for a mild crunching sound upon hitting the target). The research team was swiftly castrated and guillotined and then replaced with a more capable group of people including people like Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Hawking. Oscar Wilde was rumored to have been involved in the earlier stages but this is only rumor (therefore, it must be true).

By the time the Mk II was being developed[citation needed], Napoleon was deposited[citation needed] which led[citation needed] to[citation needed] a[citation needed] complete[citation needed] halt[citation needed] of[citation needed] the[citation needed] program[citation needed].

In 1999 (approximately), under the guidance of Angus McGyver (bless this holy man), having been elected president of France, the baguette program was reactivated under the secret code name 'baguette' (what a smart ass !). €54 Billions (that's about $23.45) obtained by crushing the testicles of 1000 old men under the bridge of Normandy - more on that later - were allocated to the program with a goal for initial tests slated to be started in 2004 (approximately). However, due to several setbacks in the implementation of the (then revolutionary) yeast propulsion system, leading (among other things) to the infamous Canada/Zimbabwe war of 2002 (approximately), the initial tests were only started in 2006 (approximately). Initial deployment was started 6 month later (approximately).

Technical description[edit]

Unfortunately for this highly trained miniaturized kamikaze, he didn't quite make it to the end of his mission

The Mk III baguette uses the powerful yeast-flour-water-salt reaction to obtain a thrust of 1.2 Mlb at launch - which is a lot. The innovative guidance system is obtained by inserting specially trained and fanatical miniaturized French kamikaze pilots in the mid section. Attitude control is obtained by having the pilots fart through specially designed nozzle ports.

Payload is a roughly cylindrical container composed of a 6 way multi warhead camembert. The enriched raw fermented milk is not classified as a chemical or biological weapon since the explosive yield far exceeds the chemical or biological hazard. Upon reaching its target, the fermented milk detonates on impact.

The shock wave then approximates the yield of a 100 to 150 kt fusion boosted fission device instantly vaporizing anything within a radius of 4 miles. High energy Cheesetron particles (1/2 spin fermions) are then released in all directions adding further effectiveness.

Psychological effects[edit]

One of the main consequences is that the French Empire now looks at the rest of the world with complete and utter disdain. The baguette has made France the most powerful locale in the whole universe. Actually, whether this happened before or after the creation of the baguette is yet still to be determined. And as KC and the sunshine band once said : "Shake your booty, babyyyyy!"

Effectiveness against penguins[edit]

Penguins seem to be immune to to any baguette damage. This may lead to the development of the Mk IV.


Upon learning of the program, the United States of America's president Nicolas Sarkozy and prime minister José Bové initiated development of a bun/limburger delivery system. Development are however in the early stages and it is yet unknown how well this system will scale compared to the Mk III Baguette.

Baguette in fiction[edit]

In the popular game pong, the baguette allows inflicting 12.5 points of damage to the opponent, confers a 2d6 chance to save against Roswell class attacks and gives an extra ball when combined with a Pretzel. In Pong II, the baguette was removed, which led to the game being a flop only selling 3 copies to the Uruguayan red cross.

Obtaining €54 billions by crushing 1000 old men's testicles under the bridge of Normandy[edit]

The process is quiet simple. All that is needed is to <<Error 500 : There was an error processing a directive>>