Bahamut

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Bahamut is the Norse god of poetry and foreplay. He often takes the form of a red dragon, although his true form is indescribable except in an obscure Khoisan language with lots of bilabial click sounds.

Historical Background[edit]

The Norse epic Ic Færéðða Bahamut and the Goblet of Fire tells of how Bahamut was conceived by Zeus and his mistress, a 43-year-old Taiwanese girl named Ping Tu Zhão during the Clone Wars, an epic struggle betwixt the gods. Tu Zhão became pregnant and was taken by Færies and Midget Porno Directors to live in a cave. It is said that when the time came for Tu Zhão to give birth, she shot an egg out of her pussy for a record-breaking 127 meter distance, as part of a shot the porno directors were filming for Teen Asian Sluts IV: Teen Asian Sluts on Ice. The egg hatched and Bahamut was born.

In 1975 A.D., Bahamut appeared to David Schmeckle, a Jewish shoe repairman who lived in Lancaster, PA. Bahamut commanded Schmeckle to lead his fellow Jews to join with his Norse followers, whereupon Schmeckle immediately complied and the Jewish/Norse sect of Jews For Bahamut was born. Schmeckle was given the title of Prime Commandant, and commanded to lead the Jews For Bahamut out of Pennsylvania and into Alberta, Canada. This took all of three days because of a snowstorm delaying airplane traffic, and was called The Exodus.

After the Second War in Heaven, where Saddam Hussein was finally defeated and thrown into the void between dimensions, Bahamut was granted extra powers by the Chief God Yahweh, and thus was transformed into the even more powerful Neo-Bahamut. Yahweh failed to get the Huge Red material from the sub, however, and was thus unable to transform him into his ultimate Bahamut-Zero form.

Bahamut now lives in a quiet villa in rural Spain with his lovely wife Elissa McSursley. He does freelance work with a Finnish e-commerce company, and in his spare time he enjoys writing screenplays, poetry, novels, and short stories. He often gets summoned by "Final"Fantasy summoners... but he just doesnt care.