Bald Eagle

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Manufactured by Israeli Military Industries, the Ball Deagle is a handgun that fires a .50-calibre ball.

Bouncywikilogo5.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bald Eagle.


History[edit]

The Ball Deagle by IMI. Originally prototyped in stainless steel, production models used a nickel-steel alloy that could be worked by 19th century gunsmiths.

In 1813 Uncyclopedia admins needed a handheld gun that would stop even the most powerful memes -- now-forgotten terrors like Oprah Winfrey, Chuck Norris, and the Steve Ballmer. The gunmakers of the day had only black powder and primitive technology, however, and the pistol they offered weighed 45 lbs and broke the wrists, elbows, shoulders, and ankles of anyone who fired it.

Fortunately a group of Jewish time travellers disguised as burros overheard Chronarion quietly complaining about the weapons. They went back to the future and invented the Desert Eagle, or Deagle; and as a special favor to Uncyc they also created a muzzle-loading version which could use the lead ball ammunition commonly available in the 1800s. This they called the Ball Deagle.

The Israeli gun manufacturers took this version back to 1813, where it was an immediate hit among Uncyc admins.

Design[edit]

The Ball Deagle uses an oversized chamber which the user charges with black powder. A half-inch ball patched with a scrap of hippogriff eyelid-skin is rammed down the barrel until it seats against the charged chamber. Ignition of the black powder is accomplished by the spark from a rechargeable Le Roule battery mounted in the grip.

The standard Deagle's reloading mechanism -- gas blowback -- is of course useless without modern cartridges, so in the 1813 Ball Deagle the blowback instead operates a recharger which powers up the Le Roule battery and, of course, absorbs 75% of the recoil which would otherwise make this very powerful gun unshootable.

A Valuable Collector's Item[edit]

An unforseen drawback was that the smell of the Le Roule in the grip attracted coyotes, wild hogs, and vultures to the gun.

America's national bird, the Bald Eagle.

In general the guns stolen by quadrupeds could be eventually recovered but those stolen by vultures were seldom found. By 1850 every known Ball Deagle had been carried off by huge loathesome birds. The Great American Publick of the 1800s, who were much exercised by the behavior of Uncyclopedians, actually celebrated the loss of the admins' powerful weapons. To honor the bald-headed birds which had disarmed the darned uppity Uncyclopedians they renamed the birds and made them America's national symbol.

If one were to find a Ball Deagle pistol today it would be an immensely valuable piece expected to fetch upwards of 25 cents on the open market.

Dangers of Eagles[edit]

Eagles are very aggressive. Their talons are over 2 feet long and they can rip your face off your head before you can even summarize Proust's A La Recherche du Temps Perdu. Their hooked beaks are sharp as scalpels and indeed are used by surgeons for performing amputations and liver removals. Just ask Prometheus if you don't believe us! You can't hide from these birds when they come to kill you, because they can see fifty times better than you can. By the time you glimpse them they'll have your liver out and half your face off.