Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article
Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed, much like his vast collection of Lolcat slideshow Holodeck programs. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own.
“Baldness- It's not just for your grandpa anymore!”
Bald spot theorem
Advanced vector calculus proves that it is impossible to comb all hairs on a male human head in the same general direction, even with the application of copious quantities of superhold styling gel. As a result, there exists (at least) one point on every male human head of which the hair growing from out of all surrounding points spirals outwards. This particular point (technically termed a "bald spot" in advanced barberology) lacks hair, because the sun shines there without mercy, like in a lifeless desert. Therefore, all men possess (at least) one bald spot, especially Socrates.
They will also be A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE deciding factor in the upcoming election. Have you SEEN the debates? "Joe the Plumber"? Bald people are huuuuuuge!
Some also theorise that bald people are decendents of the egga-kegga-king, for he was born an egg and as such no hair was made.
Proof that all men are bald
As of April 2006, Homer Simpson possesses three (and only three) hairs on his head. Also, Homer is bald (by definition). Let . If a man has one hair more than a man that is bald, then is also bald. Therefore, by induction through the infinitely many finite ordinals, all men with either the same amount of, or more hair than, Homer () are bald.
Unfortunately, this stunning and counterintuitive proof leaves a small number of cases left to consider, namely , , , and . Since all men with hair have a bald spot (see above), it follows that a man with no hair has no bald spot. As a result, since has no hair, he himself also lacks a bald spot. Thus, is not bald. By induction through the finite ordinals less than 3, both and are also not bald, in spite of the fact that their comb-overs are totally lame and we laugh derisively at them. However, we dare not laugh at 's comb over, because is God Almighty Himself, the Infinitely Hairy One who wouldst smite us for acting so wickedly.
- It is interesting to note that most men, when queried, will admit that when they go to see the barber they only need to get one hair cut.
- Sorites (1337 BCE), If I'm Bald, So Are You! :-P, p 173-77
- On the surface, this intermediate result would seem to disprove the original thesis, namely that all men are bald... Oh, look! A twenty dollar bill!