“Your ass is mine!”
The Good, The Evil, and the Gay
It seems that no matter what type of musical program you're in, you always have at least one nice director, one evil one, and one gay one. Here are a list of ways for you to determine which you have, good, evil, or gay. Or maybe all three.
Does your band director look at you...a little to long, if you happen to be male? If so, then you have a FRIGGIN' AMAZING BAND DIRECTOR A word of advice is to never stay in the room alone with your band director in case he...erm...well, wants to "play your tuba" if you get the picture. R-A-P-E GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME...ahem...
Marching Band Directors
Out of all of the band directors, the marching band one has to be the worst. They are the kind that like to whip you. When in 108 degree weather you are marching around, sweating, and working your butt off, your band director will sit on his fat little butt and yell at you to "keep straight lines," and "stay in step" which are pretty important... But still! It is always a fun way to get back at your band director by hiding Dr. Beat, the directors baton, or his megaphone. (none of these things are recommended because you may receive a SEVERE whipping)
Often these types of directors are flute players who have disappearing children. Why you ask? No body knows. It is one of the great band related mysteries.
The Very First Band Director
Many have wondered, but oh so few have actually asked what we would all like to know. Who, in fact, was the very first band director?
The very first band director, in all truthful truth-ness was none other than Amandolf Hitler! Who is Amandolf Hitler you ask? She is none other than the totally-ignored-band-geek-sister-of-Hitler.
Amandolph grew up as a lonely child. While her elder broth Adolph was busy plotting his plans of world domination, kill the Jews, yadaa yadaa, young Amandolph sat quietly in her room studying.
While her brother rose to power, Amandolph took an interest in a gun that she found in her brothers "world domination" closet, in the back of his room. Amandolph hid the gun in her pants, a nearly impossible feat, and ran back to her room. She took the gun apart, and put it back together, creating a large instrument with buttons. It resembled something of a modern day clarinet.
So Amandolph added a few extra touches to her guninet and decided to try it out. She positioned it in her hands, put her lips to the mouthpiece she had created, and pressed a button. Sadly, what Amandolph did not realize was that there was still a bullet in the gun. She ended up getting her head blown to pieces.
Ah, poor stupid, childish Amandolph. Even if she was considered a genius among her peers, she was but a mere IDIOT when it came to common sense. But this wasn't the end of our fearless band director! Heck NO!
While rising up to heaven, Amandolph was stopped halfway by her head hitting into something hard. When she looked up she saw a giant violin. It smacked her and back down towards earth she flew. Landing on her bed, Amandolph realized that she was once again alive and had a head!! How this happened was a total ironic twist of fate.
Since that day Amandolph decided that woodwind instruments were not her forte. So, she ended up being the creater of the very first trombone.
As Hitler began becoming all Hitler-ish, Amandolph became an extremely talented band director. She was strict though, and if even one person was out of step or played the wrong note, she would shove a piccolo up their butt. And that piccolo would STAY there. Those poor, poor band geeks.
Amandolph marched through Germany with her band. She would play symphonies for the Concentration Camps, and the inmates would fall to their knees in tears because the music was so touching and amazing. Or it was because they would die by death of clarinet screeching right after the song finished. Ya know, whatever.
Finally, as the Nazi's were defeated and liberation came for the Jews, Amandolph was sentenced death for her musical crimes. She went peacefully, and was killed by have one hundred thousand million hundred zillion and two tubas dropped on top of her. But right before she was killed, Amandolph made sure to stick a very, very sharp clarinet up her brother's butt for causing all of the trouble in the first place.
And that was the story of Amandolph Aigoasocolkkkamischypgaynioa Hitler. And yes, that IS her middle name.