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Jesus, we have to delay your baptism; Tamia travel(l)ed back in time and left a turd in the Jordan

This man has lured a baby away from his parents, and is going to drown it, also known as 'Baptism'.

Baptism is the age old Tradition of drowning defenseless babies in water. This is sometimes referred to as a Religious tradition, although this is yet another 'Conflicting' claim, as in the Bible, they claim that you "Should not bring harm to any humans, and that only Filthy Atheists and French People would ever cause someone else harm." -Kevin 18.3

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Baptism.

What happens in a Baptism Ceremony?[edit]

The evil man in white clothes snatches the baby from the Family, and sits them down. The evil man will then slowly lower the babies body into the water. At this point the family of the baby may choose to point, and laugh. There is then a short intermission when ice creams are sold, and then the final drowning is performed. Some Aunts/Uncles believe this is a splendid time to take out the camera, and take a picture, although this is not recommended as it can distract the white clothed man.

Baptism Technique[edit]

The technique of Baptism must be taught by Chinese people with long beards, but here is a summary of what the Baptiser must master:

  • He must first fill the area with tap water.
  • He will then snatch the baby from the hands of his/her mother/father.
  • He must cover thy baby's mouth and thy baby's nose, so that thy baby cannot breath (Babies can sometimes be skilled at holding breath), this also provides a pleasenter drowning as the baby will smell the pleasant aroma of a 50 year old man's hand.

After He has mastered this, he is then given a License to Drown for Children under 3.

Home Made Baptising[edit]

After reading this you may wish to baptise your own baby. For this you need:

  • A chocolate fountain
  • Hand perfume
  • A baby

Home made baptisms can be performed with a One off License, although any harm caused to the fountain's blades by a baby is not insured by this License.

Further Information[edit]

If you are caught Baptising a baby without a license you can be imprisoned for up to 2 hours. If you are caught being Baptised with your consent you may be liable to a fine. If you are caught reading about Baptism on a website, your Parents may be worried about you. And imprison you for up to 2 hours.

If this doesn't work you can try[edit]

Notable Baptizers[edit]

R. Kelly