Barney the Dinazar
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This article is about Barney the Dinosaur.For his cousin,see Barney Frank.
Barney the Dinosaur (265,000,000 BC-2007) is the main character of the popular kids show "Barney & Friends"(the show about a gay purple dinosaur who does drugs,rapes kids,and fucks Drew Pickles.He's known to eat and molest children.He is actually Michael Jackson cunningly disguised as a loveable purple dinosaur. He is also a Michael Jackson Grue. Only Chuck can kill him. His TV show consists of a number of small children being enticed into his world of rape and kitten huffing. Once he has bribed them into his treehouse with a song about child-molesting, he then eats the girls with his ass and rapes the boys. Barney once ate a child and blamed it on Little Bear, who he then ate then raped.
When the German Army invaded Poland, Austria, and Narnia, Barney was there, backing them up with his demonic hordes.
During the Battle of The Bulge, the allies actually captured and promptly executed him. Unfourtanetly for the world, Barney resurrected, as his corpse fell into the La Brea Tar Pits where it was held in suspended animation until the year 1984 when Scientists at UCLA managed to revive him by getting Whitney Houston to sing for him. After raping every single college student at UCLA, Barney headed to Tokyo, determined as he was to prove he was better than Godzilla. He was hired at a small Toyota company as a line worker and excelled at the job. His superiors loved his warm, loving yet no-nonsense style. Plus, as an added bonus, if anyone bought a Honda, Barney ate them. Indeed, he was working a good job making good money, but Barney wanted something more.
He had always dreamed of hosting a kids show to rape, kill, and eat all the children he ever wanted. His big break came when PBS needed somebody purple to teach kids tolerance toward gays(he got a job on the show Barney & Friends.
After numerous failed attempts to get a job at Disney(he threatened to replace Mickey!), he finally settled for a lesser job at PBS. Barney, seemingly having a "perfect work ethic", quickly worked his way up to top as star of his own show. At this point, he brainwashed the children and made them his sex slaves, and "out of love", they built for him, machines of world domination. Barney is currently out destroying Australia after Fox8 dropped his show (swallowing koalas whole and attempting to develop an Aussie accent).
Barney is also known as a Kitten Huffer and was good at it until he tried to huff the Non-Huffable Kitten during school hours and afterwards was killed and thrown into a black hole by Stalin during the War of the Species.
Barney is the Anti-Christ
Noted historians and conspiracy theorists believe that Barney the Dinosaur is in fact the Anti-Christ spoken of in the Bible (Revelation 13:18 - "This calls for wisdom: let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, its number is six hundred and sixty six")
This can be proved using the following simple logic: When the verse in Revelation was written, Latin was the dominant language. The Roman alphabet contained also the Roman numerals for the time. The letter equivalents are: I = 1 V = 5 X = 10 L = 50 C = 100 D = 500 M = 1000
"Barney the Dinosaur" = "Cute Purple Dinosaur". Latin did not have a "u", instead the letter "v" is used. This now becomes: "CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR" .... dropping non-numbered letters, we are left with: "CV V L DI V" This is the equivalent of 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666 Irrefutable proof that Barney the Dinosaur is the Anti-Christ!!
There is much controversy on the origin of this strange being, and although everybody knows he is gay, they do not agree on how this purple gay monster came into existence. Here are some here theories:
Hollywood: He is the gay son of Godzilla who was hidden away until they finished recording the film with the Pope, because of the fear of Barney giving the Pope AIDS.
Scientific: The legend states that at one time were two immortal beings named Ricky Bobby and Lance Bass, Ricky Bobby expelled Bass from the paradise where they had their armies destroy each other millions of times over, and Ricky Bobby tried to kill Bass with a pipe bomb. After doing this, Bass exploded in a big cloud of fire, but a little piece of his jizz escaped, and landed on Britney Spears. It was gay enough to make a big, purple paedophile we know as Barney.
Religious: "He is of but the healthy thing that there is so that the small ones see..." This phrase of its sanctity Bishop Oscar Wilde III, a sample that according to Chuck Norris and Apostolic Barney is an angel of the gentleman originally named Allah to teach to the children about Barney, a dinosaur who can eat the white people and steal all of their money. There are thousands of kids barney has molested, and in fact Barney has nine lives, there are not many idiots who dedicate themselves to investigate the origin of this gay beast but the only thing that they know is that gay is that Barney's negative impact will be felt for centuries...
One thing we know is that openly gay congressman Barney Frank was named after him, since the two have so many things in common.
They both like to cum on little boy balls, but if you tell anyone, they'll hunt you down!You're next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Ever wondered why the kids are replaced every couple of seasons? Barney molests them, then beats them to death, and swallows them whole. He bribes the government to keep him free.
- Barney is the true killer of the Great Deku Tree from legend of zelda, because of the fact that the Great Deku Tree asked Barney to touch his Great Deku Nuts, Barney, becomming enraged by the fact that a tree could beat him to this blatently sexual pun, jumped behind the Deku Tree and began to blodily rape it to death, which is the reason why Link did not witness this terrible act.
- Barney's purple and green colors are usually not found on dinosaurs. After wiping blood from a child's ass, they found Barney's DNA has traces of mass amounts of Radiation exposure.
- Barney is a strong supporter of infant huffing, but his is extreemly disgusting, because he rapes the infants before he huffs them.
- Barney has filed lawsuits against Celine Dion for copying its "I love you" song. Barney lost and was forced to pay $9.34 in damages.
- When listening to the "I love you" song, you are actually receiving a subliminal message that says "My infidels, unite and take over the world! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!" Your local kindergarden has probably been stockpiling AK-47s and grenades ever since the song was released.
Barney has green and purple with a green belly and poisonous spots on his ass, even more poisonous than the Komodo Dragon. Contact with its skin causes a disease called "Barnio Stupidismo", in which Barney takes advantage of the disease to molest the children who have it. This dinosaur has yellow toenails, which have more than 200 species of fungi and athlete's foot. Being near Barney is hazardous to the health and causes irreversible psychological damage. Barney's purple skin paralyzes children, leaving them dribbling and drooling with an open mouth, in a wheelchair, unable to walk or talk. Just touching Barney's purple skin will give a kid AIDS, herpes, Down Syndrome, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, gonnorhea, and Huntington's Disease.
Barney's diabolical eyes release a gamma wave that causes brain damage that makes people to move their heads left to right and vice versa, and to dance like a stupid idiot, and Barney's breath plays a song of hypnotic voodoo.
Myths and Legends
One myth says that Barney is the devil disguised as a gay dinosaur. The best way to recognize Barney is to listen to his satanic voice, with which it makes sounds similar to the an ancient voodoo chant which hypnotizes children so they go follow him to his house, where Barney and his brother, Michael Jackson rape them. The belief that that Barney is an actor disguised in a purple dinosaur suit is absolute bullshit, since he can breathe toxic fire when he gets angry, and if his target is not burned, or if it is burned by the work of God, Allah, Buddha, Atheist Jesus, or any other deity, Barney will go on a rampage of that specific deity's followers.
History on Barney and why he is the Devil
Why is Barney considered Evil?
It's popular these days to vilify the monotoothed purple dinosaur. But why is this? Why does he arouse such passionate rage?
It's instructive to compare and contrast the Barney phenomenon with other cultural icons, and attempt to divine what factors make him so universally loathed.
A common point of reference is the Teletubbies, a British show designed to give preverbal infants something pleasant to look at. Now, a lot of people dislike both shows for the simple reason that they're popular. This is not a bad thing in and of itself. The Teletubbies are also cited for being inane. What of it? This is a show aimed at an intellectual demographic even lower than the six o'clock news! Barney, on the other hand, delivers a complex interlocking set of unhealthy influences to millions of homes daily.
Barney was originally created by Sheryl Leach. Sheryl was unable to find any "non-violent, interactive, entertaining" videos for her 2-year-old son. This is a major failing, with such fare as Romper Room, Captain Kangaroo, Sesame Street, and Electric Company available free over the air at prime children’s' programming time slots. Sheryl is now the 6th highest earning entertainer in the US.
Barney is not interactive, except with the Ritalin drugged moppets appearing on the show. Audience interaction is minimal, and the uninspiring Gestapo exhortations to sing inane songs are not a healthy influence on children’s' minds.
Each episode ends with "Barney says", a little lecture each day, amplifying the effect of "Don't think for yourself, do what you're told".
Leach herself admits that Barney is modeled on a Tyrannosaurus rex, the most fearsome predator the earth has ever known. This has the twin effects of belittling the dangers of genuinely dangerous animals as well as lending a dark undertone of continuous menace to what is purportedly nice safe children’s' fare.
The show is rife with lessons and morals, but poorly chosen, and ineptly presented. A more effective way of building massive cynicism at an early age would be hard to imagine. This is one of the few properties of the show that I appreciate. Children thus indoctrinated are doomed to do poorly in public schools.
The subject matter is also monumentally inappropriate. One famous episode was titled: "A Stranger is a Friend you haven't met". Is this the sort of thinking that leads to children surviving childhood?
This leads to...
Addiction The show's message of universal, blind, unthinking love on demand "I love you, you love me", delivered to uncritical minds in their formative years, cannot help but have an effect in later life. Such people, upon reaching high school (or even younger), will be subjected to enormous peer pressure to take up smoking, drinking, and drugs. Conditioned early on to uncritically take instructions from self-appointed authority figures, they will be easy marks. Sing my song, take this pill, be happy.
It gets worse...
But what heavily-promoted teenage activity is most easily confused with love? You guessed it, sex. Barney teaches children to love and trust everybody (even strangers), and to do what they're told. Someone, somewhere is gonna ask your children to have sex with them. "If you really loved me, you would" is a line as old as the hills. When word gets out that "I love you, you love me, let's start our own family" results in easy sex, it will be all over. Nothing spreads faster than word of an easy, reliable way for teenage boys to get laid. Barney may be the single most direct cause of teen pregnancy in the beginning of the next century.
Does Barney offer advice on preventing disease and conception? Naturally not. If he did, maybe the show would receive some long overdue scrutiny. Too little and too late, but better than not at all.
The Dark Lord?
I'm not claiming that Barney is Satan (though some have), however there are some disturbing parallels between Barney and Darth Vader. Darth Vader is a composite character, with a voice provided by James Earl Jones, and the costume animated by David Prowse. The Barney outfit is animated by David Joyner and the cloying, miasmic voice of Barney comes from voice-over actor Bob West.
When Will It End?
The original dinosaurs, though dead now, were one of the most successful lifeforms ever, dominating the landscape for some 160 million years. Humans, at less than one percent of this figure, don't even come close. Let's hope that today's dangerously flawed parody dies out sooner. THE TRUTH IS this is the second version of this page, revised to include Barney's lawyers. But blaming the attorneys is like blaming the parasite for the host. Sometimes parasites can simulate independent action, and the more short-sighted ones can damage or even kill their host, but the prime mover in this case is no doubt Barney itself. WHAT IS THE BARNEY CREATURE? It is not a purple dinosaur. In this article, the most brilliant thing ever published in the Journal of Improbable Research (sadly, in their first issue, but life is often like that) the biologists Edward Theriot and Earle Sapamer demonstrate that it is a primate, to which they assign the name Pretendosaurus barneyi. In spite of the zoological (i.e., bad) Latin, the name is apt, because Barney's public persona is a lie.
BARNEY IS WHOLESOME claim the Creature's defenders. Theriot and Sapamer note that it is always associated with human children (in fact, although they do not point this out, the word "barney" means "island of children" in Norse). They speculate that it survives by integrating itself into this protected ecological niche. Unfortunately, there is a more sinister explanation. Barney's teeth are clearly those of a carnivore (its mother, Sheryl Leach, fashioned it after a Tyrannosaurus rex). There is no reason to doubt the Creature's professed love for children, but the form that its love takes may not be in the children's best interests. Note well that very, very small and tender children know enough to be scared by Barney.
BARNEY IS SERIOUSLY NOT GOOD FOR KIDS, argue this article and other articles listed here. No surprise; Barney was created for the convenience of adults, as something to mesmerize children so that they could be parked in front of the TV. "You don't understand," the negligent adults whine. "Kids love Barney." Sure they do; they love to play in the toilet bowl, too. But for some reason, parents find brown poop disgusting, even though they'll snarf up purple poop. Well, not all parents. One wrote (on the Barney Fun Page) , "Hi. I am 33 years old with 3 daughters. Two years ago, we had Barney over for a birthday party. When he left, he almost got hit by a car. We all cracked up. Then a bicyclist came and almost ran him over too. We all peed our pants. Then an airplane came and landed on him, creating an endless shower of sparks and blood, and we all died of laughter. After that, we all gathered around Barney's dead carcass and sang 'Cumbaya m' lord. And by the way, Barney is a pedophile and can't get his hands off little boys to stick them all in his little pouch in his belly to save for later.
BARNEY IS TO CHILDREN AS OSAMA BIN LADEN IS TO ISLAM. The children are an excuse, the innocent means to a perverse end. Barney's true prey is adults or at least their money. The claim of wholesomeness would be more convincing if the Barney Creature were not so relentlessly pushing an astonishing array of merchandise, and if its creators were not so obviously energetic in their pursuit of money. The Creature's profits have already been the subject of the stupidly named “Barneygate" (summary: PBS subsidizes Barney, partly with taxpayer money, while Barney's parents stuff their pockets), but Sheryl Leach's tender maternal instincts did not preclude her selling her offspring to a British law firm. "I love you, you sell me."
MORE! MORE! The Barney Creature is a voracious, bottomless pit. All who oppose it with ridicule must be destroyed. The Barney Creature's weapon of choice is the Legal Absurdity which seems to have been honed to a dull edge by a Darwinian process - that is, with no controlling intelligence - and the Creature wields it with the finesse of Wile E. Coyote®. First the Barney Creature took aim at a chicken, and shot itself twice. The San Diego Chicken, in costume, would beat up Barney, also in costume, for entertainment. Barney sued, and the fight was metaphorically re-enacted in the courtroom, as a federal judge summarily dismissed the suit. Eager for another beating, Barney appealed, and wound up having to pay the chicken's legal costs.
THE BARNEY CREATURE THEN CHANGED TACTICS, figuring that if it couldn't beat a single opponent, it might have better luck again a multitude, so it sent out inane but scary legal notices against websites, threatening suit for trademark and copyright infringement. A legal analysis of these absurdities is here. These succeeded in scaring enough people that the original version of this page now reads like a cemetery of dead links. But people who stood up to the Creature were able to face it down easily. Then, emboldened by this Pyrrhic victory, it has started a sending out a new round of inane but scary letters, this time threatening to complain to the websites' Internet Service Providers. A non-legal analysis can be found here . The Creature's follow-up letter with a non-legal analysis can be found here; a legal analysis can be found here. The Creature's tactic, for perhaps the first time, actually makes sense - the Creature has been beaten up so badly in court that it has finally learned to try its case in a non-legal venue, such as an ISP.Will the Creature succeed this time? It's difficult to care.
The Hundred Kiddies' Mission
After the 100th report of child molestation by major newspapers, the Non-Huffable Kitten set out to hunt Barney down somewhere outside Japan, hoping to stop him from molesting hundreds of young Japanese boys.It didn't work.
On June 13, 2007, after 5 months of no report from the NHK, The Anti-Terrorism Super Strike Force Unit of Albania decided to assemble a squad to save the adorable yet unhuffable kitten, as a return favor for not releasing an embarrasing picture involving Albania and an unidentified underage mule that was not Albania's wife. The task force consisted of:
However, upon arriving in the dense jungle of northern Japan they were met by Tom Cruise. There were no survivers.
Criticism and Controversy
Although most serious reviews of Barney & Friends have been positive, the show has been the target of a certain degree of controversy. This criticism generally stems from some disagreement in the messages that the show sends children.
For instance, one particular episode made use of the phrase, "A stranger is a friend you have not met yet", which some parents may view as sending a dangerous message to their children. However, The children's-rights group NAMBLA made a more positive assessment of the episode, calling it "Hot."
Many kids started writings songs about Barney getting killed, after they found the message on his show disagreeable. They started writing violent and insulting songs targeting the evil mind-controller of the airwaves. These songs included "I Hate You, You Hate Me, Let's Hang Barney from a Tree," "On Top of a Mountain," and "Joy to the World that Barney's Dead." Revenge was so sweet.
Barney has been succesfully killed multiple times on record and thousands off of it. How then does he keep being resurrected? Research by scientist Bill Jalen indicates that he can spontaneously regenerate from any Barney doll or product. This is unfortunate, as there are hundreds of millions of barney dolls in the world. Upon hearing of the discovery of his weakness, Barney sent an army of old Nazi gurus and hippies to eat the doctor, which they did.
On June 24, 2007, a plan created by the original 4 Horsemen (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Dinobot, and Joe Mamma) was set into motion by their covert spy and waste of life Steve McMichael. The plan is to blow up every Barney doll. On June 26, the plan backfired when McMichael misunderstood the commands and blew up every "Barbie" doll on earth. The operation has been dubbed "a sucsess either way" and McMichael was killed.
Barney became a singer after Michael Jackson hired him to sing at Neverland to get little boys to come over and watch him, just so Michael Jackson can touch their penises. He later signed with Michael Jackson's record company, Geoffery Leonard and pals Records. He only had one hit, called "I love you, you love me" talking about his relationship with Michael Jackson. Below is a list of his bat fuck insane albums.
- Let Michael touch you(1988)
- Come on kids and let me touch your happy place(1988)
- Oscar Wilde owes me money (1989)
- I Love You, You Love Me (1989)
- Hey Mom I got a job at the Strip Club (1991)
- I'm giving your kids free Tickets to my Strip Club!: The Live Album (1991)
- Help me molest these kids, Michael Jackson (1993)
- Cmon ho give the purple man some lovin(1995)
- Oscar Wilde: Me and Jackson's Bitch slave(1996)
- Little loving from Monica on the side(1998)
- Litte Boys, Little Girls, It makes no Difference to Me(1999)
- Im Gonna Take You to an Even Gayer Bar(2000)
- Let's Get it On...Hilary Clinton (2007)
- The Retarded Dinousaur Rap (2007)
- 20 Years of Touching!:The Barney Anthology (Release set for 2008)
- Good ol' Butt Raping (2009)
Incident Involving Dawn
On May 26, 2007, Dawn was hurt when Barney and the Teletubbies took a crack at trying to kill Dawn outside the Bay Street Shopping Center in Tampa. Barney took off to an adult theater complex where he was eventually arrested by Hillsborough County officials. A trail date has yet to be released.
Ernest Hemingway writes about Barney
He watched the little train pull in and then leave the station. He was watching for the purple dinosaur, the deceiver of children, the eater of testicles, and the killer of Tinky Winky to board the train.
But the lizard did not board the train for he was with the little whore in the station. The little whore with the shaved head was good, and when the purple dinosaur was with the little whore, the lizard was good. But soon the lizard must leave the little whore. Milk of the Mother! This leaving and leaving and always the leaving, and the leaving would get the lizard killed.
He waited and he drank from the flask and it was hot in his tounge. He did not hate the lizard but when the lizard left the little whore, he would kill the dinosaur. He would kill him because Tinky Winky was dead.
Tinky Winky's Murder
It has been revealed that Tinky Winky was assasinated by Barney the Dinosaur. Barney was,before the death, Tinky Winky's lover, which makes it all the more shocking. even more shocking is that tinky winky could have been barney's lover at all, considering that barney went from a male to an "it" after a painful round house kick from Chuck Norris's first time killing the dinosaur (barney might have reincarnated, but he could never get back what Chuck took from him that day)
On May 2, 2007 Barney the dinosaur took a 6-year old boy and held him hostage at a local Jimmy John's Restaurant in the southside of Chicago. After five hours, the child ran out of the restaurant and into safety of the Chicago Police Department. After 23 minutes of waiting for Barney to come out, the swat team was sent to the scene and after 2 minutes Barney was finally at last caught. He is now currently in court.
- The truth about Barney is exposed and his eventual demise is documented in this real-life account. (Ignore the disclaimer that it is fictitious)
-  The only known record of Barney rapping. It is rumored that the children in this video were eaten after shooting. Barney was punished and is now forced to listen to a telemarketer for life with no bathroom breaks!!
- The Results of Watching too much Barney when your a Kid.
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