Barnsley

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Barnsley Capital of England
Mapbarns.jpg
State Flower: Dandelion & Burdock
Official Language: Barnsley
Town Motto: The 'lecky's been cut, and the wattah's brarn
Nickname: Tarn
Mayor: Billy Casper
Demographic: 99.5% White
Principal imports: Wattah, lecky, glass, alcopops, Adidas 'four stripe', oversized golden hoop earrings,
Principal exports: Fake Burberry, Boyracers, mingers, STIs, Coal (Back int day), excellent football, glass

Barnsley (pronounced barn-zaar-lee), also known as tarn was once a bustling metropolis of Ancient Greece. Now, it is an up-market town in the centre of England. It's populous, known as Barnacles all of whom are related in some way, are known for bein "Strong in't arm, thick in't head." Hence, why they were so good in the pit as they would work for 22 hours a day whilst never realising they are surrounded by poisonous fumes (That is why the budgie is now lying at the bottom of its cage).

The locals are so affectionate towards their hometown that often their conversation revolves around nothing but Barnsley, though the younger generation can often be found bleating obscenities outside Weatherspoons. To put it simply, though many would not want to go to Barnsley, it doesn't matter as most people are not welcome in Barnsley!

People of Barnsley[edit]

The people of Barnsley are kind and caring, but only to themselves, their love of "t'Giro" being particularly strong. The people of Barnsley can regularly be seen pointing at airplanes, wearing string vests and Co-Op own brand trainers. They are famous for their distinctive war cry "Tha wot! Ar much?", this is commonly heard in the markets of Barnsley, whenever a Barnacle is forced to pay more than 10 bob for owt. They do love a good pastie too.

People frum tarn (Barnsley) are proper northerners, anyone south of Barnsley is a shandy drinking poof and anyone from north of Barnsley is inbred i.e Leeds, Middlesbrough etc. Dunt even get me started on Scotland! People of Barnsley, be proud, you are the proper northern.

Barnsley people used to keep coal as pets, but now there's no coal, they mehk do wi' ode rolls o' wallpaper. A common feature in Barnsley homes is chicken wire surrounding the dining table, usually attached to the legs by six-inch nails. Hens, banties and and sometimes prize cockerels (see *Cock-fighting/Badger-baiting) are kept within this enclosure. A hole in the table top facilitates any crumbs and leftovers to be scooped directly into the pit. Where livestock is not a priority, meals are eaten off trays whilst sat in front of the telly.

A selection of famous people are as follows:

  • Patrick Cryne: Owns Barnsley Football club and has a brick for a phone
  • Dickie Bird: A cricket umpire.
  • Arthur Scargill: A legend of the Mining strike.

Quarantine[edit]

Barnsley is currently under quarantine to stop chavs from escaping. Any Chavs that escape are forced to listen to Rock music until they explode with the pressure of actual words in music, not someone talking fast, who is hopped up on drugs and most probably lost and retarded in some way. Rock on! Rock bands like DC/AC, Aluminium Maiden, Copperback, Plasticilla and many others are most welcome in Barnsley. If we let the chavs escape, then eventually the whole world will WrItE lIkE ThIs, wHiCh Is UTtErLy TaStElEsS aNd ThE lAnGuAgE Of ChAvs, which is a result of them not been present at school because they were busy learning the art of breaking windows, and therefore cannot write or communicate correctly for this matter, they use words like, 'innit' 'buzzin' etc... A normal chav conversation, would result in, 'Innit blad, proper sikki today mayt, wat ya up to, do ya dig mi new nikes?'. Maybe that would be a chav convo in the 90s but now its 'proper f*ckin sikki mayte, waht ya f*ckin doin? f*ckin sik this is, f*ckety f*ck f*ck F*ck' the word f*ck is the ultimate word for them, it has multi meanings, and requires little effort, even can be spelt f*k with out a 'c'. Lucky most of the Barnsley population haven't taken on this 'way' and most Barnsley folk are safe to approach and very friendly. Especially after a few pints. lol

Famous Buildings in Barnsley[edit]

A fantastic piece of post Georgian, Victorian architecture thought to have been designed by hot chocolates Errol Brown, the Bush Inn at Kingstone which is now under threat of demolition. It has been shut for many years now and locals have thought to have signed petitions and created websites to get it re-opened. One website is rumoured to have as many as 3 members.

The most complex building in Barnsley's long and (not so) colourful history was the Stairfoot Rarndabart. The 0.01 floor high building was a shining example of the progress of the area being the tallest man-made structure in the area. It cost the equivalent of £2 billion in today's money but cost 50,000 Barnsley folk their (worthless) lives. Another wondrous work of engineering is The Oakwell stadium, the mecca of Barnsley, where no less then 10,000 fans travel to by horse and cart. If you have a job then you can pay on the door, instead of mugging someone for a ticket or jumping over the fence. However the most famous is the Dole office, visited thousands of times a day. If the whole of America had only one McDonalds, then out of them, the Barnsley Dole office would by far be the most visited.

Barnsley language[edit]

There are many languages in the world, English, French, German, Clagnut etc... but the most fascinating language is Barnslish. It is a simple language which has more than 3 words combined into one for ease of speaking and to help the idly challenged. Words like 'Thee' are derived from English meaning 'you' and not 'Thee' as in making the word 'The' make something sound more powerful. Another meaning for 'You' is 'Thar', and can be incorporated into the sentence 'Wots thar doin o'er theya?' meaning 'What are you doing over there?'. Most words are cognates with letters missing, for example 'o'er' meaning 'over'. Most words are pronounced differently like 'toast' would be said 'tu-ast' and emphasising a 'ou' sound. 'peas' are said 'peys' and can be found in a famous Barnsley quote, 'al av pie n peys plea-as love'. 'Board' as in chipboard is also pronounced 'Bu-ard' again emphasising the 'ou' sound. As in much of the north, 'night' and 'light' are 'leet' and 'neet'. But Barnsley folk af to be a bit different, so they say 'fight' and 'right' as 'feyt' and 'reyt'. Most of the language is the same as Yorkshire, like 'ayup' but Barnslish can only be fully understood if tha's lived ere all thi liyfe! Don't worry about writing it, its written as it sounds!

Men call one another 'cock' as if it's a compliment in Barnsley. Some research has found this word in use in Wakefield as well, which meks Barnsley folk think that Wakefielders are stealing their words.

Barnsley Phrases[edit]

  • Oo washy wi? - "With whom was she?"
  • 't - The
  • Tha What? - Pardon me?
  • Gizzit! - Could you pass me that please?
  • Ar Much??!!?? - Thats rather expensive isnt it?
  • Go an get thi sen fucked off! - Go away please
  • Tha's a reyt tub er spunk - You are a complete imbecile
  • get ya growler art - will you please show me your vagina?
  • A tha gooin int tarn for a few? - Would you like to join me for some sociable drinks in the town centre?
  • Am Ard Me- I am strong and will be able to hurt you
  • Eyup! wot thaa fuckin doing, get fucked off - Excuse me, What are your intentions, please stop
  • Tha gunna get some reyt shoe thee! - Your are going to receive a damn good kicking'
  • Wats tha fuckin on abart ya dozy cunt! - What are you talking about?
  • She could shit in my snap tin -Wow! What an attractive lady.
  • Snap tin - Lunch box
  • Council pop - Tap Water
  • ManShagga - Homosexual gentleman
  • Ya Dirty Scret! - You dirty person
  • Like a gi a fook bart thee - I don't care about you
  • Cop Hoyl - Police station
  • Chip Hoyl - Fish and chip shop
  • Black bastard - Black man
  • T'in't in't T'in - It isn't in the tin.
  • Thasgunnagerritinaminit - You are going to get it in a minute.
  • Midadsgorrajag - My dad has a Jaguar
  • As tha sin mi new booits? - Have you seen my new boots?
  • Ai, thi reyt naarce - Yes, they are rather nice.
  • Put wud'in' oil will tha? - Please close the door?
  • Dooer - Door
  • Wot thay on abart? - I don't understand, could you either explain or shut up?
  • Shut thi maarth! - Please be quiet?
  • Gi o'er wi mi!? - Please stop winding me up.
  • Wots tha got munk on fo nar!? - What's the matter?
  • Tha's mizrabul bleeder! - You aren't very happy.
  • Mi mam wa twelve when she ad mi. - My mother was quite old when she gave birth to me.
  • Shut thi kite. - Shut up please.
  • Get ya growler art- please will you show me your vagina
  • wota night - that night was rather good
  • whos been nocking flaps back - travs
  • tha noz worra me-an - do you understand what i am saying ?

Pastimes[edit]

The motto of Barnsley Spectemur Acendo means Judge Us by Our Actions. Ahh, the irony of it all.

Favourite pastimes include mining down't pit and combining words to form random sentences that no normal person understands. Another is talking 'bart' Barnsley itself. If you don't talk about Barnsley, you are not welcome in Barnsley.

Frequently having sexual intercourse with family members of t'opposite sex is also an extremely common pastime in this area, in fact you're considered abnormal if you haven't slept with your sibling. This may or may not explain the abundance of Townie fookin' scum that can oft' be seen pushing a pram about their local area (though one could argue that the primary reason for having a pram around is so that they can ram into the back of nearby strangers' legs; this seems to happen all too frequently around Barnsley)

Even though there are only five TV's in all of Barnsley, another good past time there is watching the movie KES. This is the only movie that was ever made in Barnsley (apart from Brassed Off, set in the fictional town 'Grimley' this was actually set in Grimethorpe, based on Grimethorpe Colliery Band. Although this was not as successful as Kes, this was a highly recognisable film) and everyone claims to know most of the people that was in it. The reason another movie was not made in Barnsley ever again was because nobody could understand what the hell they were saying, half of the time it sounds as if they are communicating through moans and grunts.

Binge drinking is also an important part of Barnsleys culture. The entire population of the town can usually be found on Wellington street on a Saturday night partaking in many local pastimes including, mooneying, urinating in the street, hurling abuse at anyone and everyone, and most importantly fighting.

Starfoot roundabout (Unit of measurement)[edit]

The SI unit of measurement for how bloody pointless or useless something is in relation to it's cost is the Stairfoot roundabout (Symbol: Sr) and is calculated by the following formula:

Common conversions

Uselessness Total cost Sr value
Your appendix (removed or otherwise) Fairly useless £1000 in birthdays presents to your mum 0.001
Millennium Dome 10 Michael Jackson concerts £789m 5
Barnsley Civic 'clock' A clock with no numbers that you can only see going one way up Regent Street facing four clocks with numbers that can be seen for miles around £32,500 5000
British Members of Parliament Error: Uselessness cannot be measured £503m per year Scientists estimate that if the equivalent Stairfoot roundabouts were put in a line they would bisect the Universe

Neighbouring Towns/Cities and places in Barnsley[edit]

Also, everyone from Sheffield (which is just a small town in Barnsley) has 4 thumbs and everyone down south drinks tea while their mother who they are still living with at 40 smiles at them!

Sports[edit]

The intelligensia, such as Oscar Wilde, are simply not welcome in Barnsley

Apart from bullying, Barnsley doesn't really get up to much. Boyracers are around McDonald's, but let's not constitute that as sport. Now, bullying, that's the sport of Barnsley.

Anyone with an IQ reaching 60+ (the average of Alabama) or look slightly retarded are a target to heckling. If you have long hair, then you are an emo, here, take some razorblades and go somewhere else. You are simply not welcome in Barnsley. Recently their has been much immigration into Barnsley, however this has stopped due to a rousing chorus of " Get tha Fuk Art Tha Dirty Bastard Manshagga"

Cquote1.png Tha lyke fookin pissin rarnd wi mi wattah? Gi orr! What? Didn't you understand that? Well, get the hell out of this article! You are simply not welcome in Barnsley, or it's article, cocker. Cquote2.png

Careers[edit]

Most Barnsley folk go into one of the following careers:

  • Diggin' stuff,
  • Hittin' stuff,
  • Sexxin' stuff,
  • Buildin' stuff
  • European Parliament Members

Careers advice is 'doled out' by drunken, middle aged women who are beaten by their husbands (or wives as it is more often). These 'advisers' use a bingo machine to select the career of the child who visits, this child is then forbidden from changing career.