Baseball cards

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Baseball Cards Have come to assume several positions in today's vernacular. As a adjective it comes to describe the ill-conceived pursuit of future wealth through investing countless hours and resources in the gathering and, organizing, protecting and eventually begging for room to store pieces of paper with images of baseball players. The discovery 20 years down the road that these so called investments are worthless and the utter sense of waste is called "baseball carded".

Baseball Cards is an indoor sport played primarily by the well-to-do Generation Z-ers in rural and south-central Nevada. The game employs a standard deck of 52 Magic Johnson Battle Cards, a lava lamp, and five very angry acts of God. The object of Baseball Cards is to unite two camps of David by gaining influence in the Magic world of Cards.

The Origin of Baseball Cards

While not even the most deathbed wetting and ridden veteran of Baseball Cards' orignal leaguers has the sack to confess the true origins of the game, Baseball Cards is widely reported to be the brainchild of Las Vegas hotshot gangster Andy the Rooney. After inviting the Teamster's Union chapter of Van Nuys, California (headed by Andy Devine) to his casino for a round of beer and blackjack, the Teamsters grew agitated with their host's lack of 'fresh meat' playing cards. It is here that the facts break down into urban legend and piss gargling bullshit. The lesser majority 'old school' players of Baseball Cards claim that Andy the Rooney was just about to pull out just such a deck of Magic Johnson Battle Cards, when the blunt end of a baseball bat struck him square in the ear. After collapsing, the little pissants say, he produced the cards from his tuxedo pocket and was about to say something else when someone batted the cards out of his hand, scattering them across the room. New school, or '5t3VVp|D 6h3Y I/I00bz0rz' players of Baseball Cards generally agree that Andy the Rooney was just eaten and his cards were relieved of him. "We agree on this because, well, we don't want it to happen again. At least not for a long, long time." Who said that? Fucked to hell, I have no idea who said that. It's true, though; that's the amazing thing.

Rules and Play[edit]

Play begins by unshuffling a deck of Magic Johnson Battle Cards. The card on top will always be the Young of Aces. If it's not, don't bother unshuffling them again -- it is always the Young of Aces. This card is thrown away, and whatever card is underneath is held by the pitcher. The pitcher holds this card by the edges and waits for the first batter to step to the plate. The batter uncaps a well-heated lava lamp and pours out an undetermined amount of the wax into his hands, or if he's lucky, onto the floor or in his eyes. He has until the wax hardens to sculpt it into a shape that is then bronzed and used as a) a blunt object (swatter), a projectile dart (singer) or a gun. Only the most ambitious players attempt to build the gun, and many cheat halfway through by abandoning the gun and making a bomb, which is contraband by the regulations set forth in the Geneva Convention's code of universal sportsmanship.

When the batter's tool is hardened, he can commence playing with it.


Because the object of the game is to unite two camps of David, winning at Baseball Cards requires round-the-clock thinking skills. No player has these skills, and victory can only be achieved by cheating, and making Gawd angry enough to flip the game in one's favor. It is one of those games that people play to boast elitist philosophy, and at the same time try to come up with quotes they hope will be mimicked and memed on the internet.

See Also[edit]