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“I think I might try going Darker and more violent...”
“It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me!”
“SWEAR TO ME!”
“I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you.”
“What they don't like Fallafe?”
“Screw the rules I have money!”
“I KICK ASS!”
Batman Begins is a continuity error to the batman film series after Joel Schumacher proposed to make a sequel with bat-nipples on every character. The main villain of that movie was going to be the Green Goblin (who would have Goblin nipples) but Marvel didn't want their character used in such a disgraceful movie (they also knew that no Green Goblin would ever match William Defoe). This led to DC and Warner Brothers putting Joel Schumacher on the street corner.
This lead to the hiring of Christopher Nolan who
reimagined created a continuity error of the caped crusader as he should have been originally. He was now a Man-Bat who wore armor similar to that of Iron man who could fade in and out of the shadows (at least that's what those kids at the skate park told me). Through out the article we will keep Batman's true identity as Bruce Wayne a secret. Oops...
Bruce Wayne (no longer the Bank-robbing George Clooney but Christian Bale) is still rich and good looking and still pretty EMO about his parent's death but this time he's in jail. In like Korea or something. Asia! Not the Korea in Washington State. So then Bruce is in line to get his breakfast when he's suddenly attacked by a bunch of prisoners whom he all takes down without breaking a bat-sweat. These Asians didn't know Bat-Kung-Fu and thus were no match for the future Batman. When he was taken to solitary to protect the other prisoners (cause he's just that cool) he meets Ducard, a man who looks and sounds surprisingly a lot like Qui-Gon Jinn despite the lack of living in the latter. Ducard (Liam Neeson) invites Bruce Wayne to the top of the mountain to learn how to defend himself, because apparently being able to take down 6 or 7 Koreans at once isn't impressive enough.
So somehow Wayne gets out of the prison and starts on his way to the mountain. He finds a field of blue flowers and he decides to pick some as a thank you to Ducard for the invitation. Being rich, Bruce knows how important it is to bring something as a present as thanks for being invited to their house. He decides to pick only one flower and then starts to climb the mountain. When he reaches the top Ducard tells Bruce that he can keep the flower.
The two then have many therapy sessions while sword fighting on a frozen lake. He also is taught how to keep to the shadows, how to use theatricality to his advantage, and taught the secrets of the female orgasm, which Wayne later renames the bat-gasm. But despite the therapy sessions, coming to terms that his parents are dead (took him long enough) and repeatedly bringing Ducard's girlfriend to orgasm Bruce Wayne was not willing to help the League of Shadows, the organization that Ducard was a part of. Instead of helping the league of shadows execute a murder he decided it better to light the place on fire, causing many explosions, the deaths of many, including the murder. Bruce decides it's okay to save Ducard but everyone else can die.
After this Bruce ends up back in Gotham, having left Ducard in the care of some old guy he didn't know, who could have been a rapist for all Bruce knew. But back to the point. Bruce returns to Gotham to find that a stereotypical mafia man basically runs the city. In Gotham, at Wayne Enterprises Bruce meets Lucius Fox, a assassin for the Fraternity who closely resembles god. God gives Wayne all sorts of gadgets, like John Cleese or Desmond Llewellyn would for James Bond. These include the Bat-Tank the Bat-Nippleless (thank god)-Bat-Suit, the Bat-Cape and the Bat-Hammer-Space-Portal-Belt and of course the Shark-Replant Bat-Spray. BATMANS A LESBIAN BATMANS A LESBIAN
Thus the Bat-Batman is born a symbol, one that can never die. As long as Wayne is alive. Because if he's dead then who's gonna be the symbol.
So there's some boring scenes where Wayne goes into a hotel and bugs Katie Holmes (who would inexplicably burst into Maggie Gyllenhaal some time after the events of this movie)and then it gets interesting again when Katie Holmes finds out that Johnathan Crane is making crazy gas and putting it into the water supply. Because the substance is in liquid form and not gas form it won't affect the populace, unless there was a way to vapourise the water in the pipes. Conveniently the writers did just that.
A microwave emitter had been stolen from Wayne Enterprises which can do what is needed to make the crazy gas go boom. Batman has to save the day as the microwave emitter is not only letting the gas off around the city but it's also melting all the chocolate!
Luckily Batman is immune to this fear gas and comes face to face to Ducard, whom, in a rather uneventful scene, is revealed to be Ra's al Ghul, and everyone in the theater (except the nerdy ones) goes like "huh? Who's that?"
Yeah back to the story; Batman is fighting Ducard on a train that has the microwave emitter and is blowing all the water in the city. That's not a good thing, which you should have already gathered from above, if you having, then go read my vague and hard to understand description again. Mush! Yes so all the water being vapourised and all the people are scared. Apparently the League of Shadows does this because it needs to be done, for what ever reason, it's not true in the mind of batman. So he has his police friend blow up the train tracks and he flies off into the night, Ducard, along with the microwave, blow up. Batman did what Darth Maul apparently failed to do. Thus he became the emperor's new aprentince after offing the other famous Emo of pop culture; Anakin Skywalker.
The movie was in development called, Batman Genesis for the Sega Genesis in The Book of Genesis played by the musical group of Genesis, long before Joel Schumacher was ever hired. It was kept a secret to all around but Warner Brothers was visited by a Mutant by the name of Cable warning that Joel Schmacher sucks. A lot. So much so that they should start considering a continuity error now and save the poor citizens of Gotham from having to see Harvey Dent change from Lando Calrisian to Tommy-Lee Jones. Evidently they failed. They suck.
“Sometimes you just can't get rid of a bomb”
Cable then went to warn 20th Century Fox that Bryan Singer must be the director for X-Men 3, not Brett Ratner. Unfortunately he was too late (even though the first X-Men movie hadn't been made yet... I don't know how he managed that). Several ideas were made until the continuity error that is Batman Begins was decided upon.
Batman vs Bat-Superman
The first of several movies considered as a Bat-continuity error to the Bat-series; this was going to be the greatest Bat-Movie of all Bat-time, in which the Joker and Lex Luthor(who at the time, was not being mistaken for a Protestant or Robert Vaughn) get turned into some kind of bald clown with no sense of humour and many magic tricks involving pencils. It would have had Batman fighting against Superman for who gets the right to fight Jex Juthor. In the end Batman wins with his bat-fu and his bat-kryptonite.
“How about a Magic Trick?”
No one likes superman anyway.
The sequel would have been Batman vs the Justice League; and of course, because he's batman, he would kill them all. Well not kill. Cause he's Batman. But he doesn't have to save them right?!
Bat Stoker's Batcula
This movie put Batman up against Dracula. It was scrapped early on because Batman just doesn't kill people, unless they want to execute a murderer (as seen above). Also Batman is an atheist and refused to use a cross to fend off from Dracula. Also this movie was identical to another movie before it. Of course you're thinking a Dracula movie, but you'd be wrong. In fact this movie was a blatant rip off of Young Frankenstein by Mel Brooks (except this movie had Batman and was therefor so totally awesome)
“THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE!”
An attempt was made to salvage the film but all it resulted in was allowing Joel Schumacher to get his script done and the studio was forced to take his as no others were available. Despite this the studio was still searching for new Bat-ideas.
Batman's Day Off
This Bat-idea had the caped crusader taking a day off from fighting off the evils of the world who all seemed to live in Gotham City. So he skipped fighting crime and went to Metropolis. There he met mild mannered reporter Clark Kent and the lovely (and really really hot in Smallville) Lois Lane.
“He looked nothing like Superman, like come on he wears Glasses, AAAAAAAAAAAND Superman doesn't! Also his hair's all different. Only an idiot would think the two look alike”
So in the end Batman's playing of the hooky comes back to bit him in the bat-ass as crimes happen in Metropolis. In the end he saves it from Lex Luthor who stole a Gundam from emo kids on Gundam Seed Destiny. Batman then returns to Gotham and shags the large amount of prostitutes waiting for him in the batcave. <-- an example of a silly reference to prawn.
Prostitoods are my fayvuhhrid seafood George Dubya Bush.
This movie was scrapped because the writer had wanted it to be a porn (all you 12 year olds, porn is just shorthand for prawn. Don't type porn into Google videos. Nothing will happen. Honest). The Studio disagreed, however, and instead went with the Bat-nipple movie instead. They felt like Batman wasn't the right movie to make a porn out of, and had the writer work on a Wonder Woman movie instead. Boy will she get it hard (if they ever finish making it *fap fap fap fap* what're you looking at?)
Once upon a time there was a young man named Batman. Then his parents got dead. Then he went to China, so he could learn to be a ninja, because his parents were dead. Batman then went back home to Earth and said, "I will become Batman." And then he became BATMAN. Then Batman dicked around for a minute, cos his parents were dead. And then Batman said, "I need a Batmobile, but Morgan Freeman said, "No, not after the last time, you're getting a tank! ..." This is an obscure reference to that time batman crashed his first batmobile into a walrus. Did I mention his parents were dead?
Everyone loved this movie except for your mom. Someone should put the Bat-Curse on her, anyway. Getting back to what's important; Batman Begins, despite the complete continuity error that it was, everyone loved it and humped the DVD box once they bought it. Ebert and the other guy gave it three thumbs up (they had to cut the third thumb off a drifter) and even pointed out the sheer awesomeness that was the part where that thing happened and when BOOOM SPLASH FSAFCERERERERERERE CRACKLYOD FAWOOOOOOOOOOOOM when the train aslopded. Some guy you don't know or care about wrote that it was a cinematic master piece, exceeded only by the God Father and Debbie does Gotham. All now saw why Batman was the greatest moment of Adam West's career, because just like you can't get rid of a bomb, you also can't get rid of Batman. However George Clooney complained that Bruce Wayne looked nothing like him but instead like that Christian Bale guy.
However critics were wary about the Star Wars related ending. While everyone loves bright lights that spin around and mutulate people, they don't want to see a guy in a black costume with a weird voice doing it. Who'd watch that? Instead they're much rather have seen a crazy clown with pencils and explosives. Luckily the comics already had such a character so for the DVD an alternate ending was created to ensure that Katie Holmes would asplode creating a better Rachel Dawes. This led to the movie's sequel; the Dark Knight (see below).
“We start carrying semi-automatics, they buy automatics. We start wearing Kevlar… they buy armor-piercing rounds.”
Your Mom however greatly hated the film. That's why she was cursed with the burden of raising you. Unless you are an orphan. Then that's why you don't have a mom, because she didn't like this movie. Or Harry Potter. Or Live Free, Die Hard. Like C'mon that movie has Kevin Smith in it, its an awesome movie. She did like Moulon Rouge though, which no one else likes. Yes this whole paragraph is going to be me insulting your mom. Your momma's so poor when she puts her key in the front door it goes out the back door OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Yeah I went there.
Bat-Box Office Performance
The box office performance is to your left across the showing of Howard the Duck. Thank you.
- Batman thankfully forgot to point out to Chris Nolan the lack of Robin.
- Your mom didn't like this movie but still bought 32452 copies of it (to be fair she did donate 4356 copies to charity. Aparently young children dying of AIDS in Africa can get better with watching this movie.)
- Superman was disappointed that his return to the cinema wasn't even half as awesome as this.
- If you look really really really really really closely at the scene where Bat-God is showing Bruce Wayne the tumbler you can clearly see Joel Schumacher's career getting flattened.
- Superman was disappointed that he didn't get a sex scene with Lois Lane in this movie.
- This money made more than Microsoft scammed off people with Vista.
- Oscar Wilde has seen this movie at least 299 times, and is going for his 300th while you're reading this.
- Superman was disappointed that he didn't get a sex scene with Rachel Dawes in this movie.
- While Link was out watching this movie Gannon came and Kidnapped Princess Zelda again. She said she should go with him, but Link had a hot date. Marlon didn't show up.
- Chuck Norris watched this and within the first half a minute of the movie he was able to tell the ending and left the theatre. He gave it 6 Round House Kicks out of 5
- Joel Schumacher still cries himself to sleep.
- Superman was disappointed he didn't get a sex scene with Batman in this movie.
Despite the great ending of Batman becoming Bat-Darth Chad Vader in the theatrical release, and Hallie Berry's Catwoman being fucked up, alongside with Riddler with Ashton Kutcher, the DVD ending had something boring about how Katie Holmes knew that Batman was really Bruce Wayne and by extension Christian Bale. This lead the movie open for a sequel. Which happened. And it was good. I was all like "holy shit what? he did not just do that to that guy who was on screen with a pencil!"
The Dark Knight broke box-office records by being the first super hero movie to not have a lame title that involved the super-hero's name. On top of this Batman got his own Bat-army of Bat-Hockey-players between Bat-jobs. As said above Katie Holmes suddenly sploded and became Maggie Gyllenhaal which angered Tom Cruise, thus pleasing (Bat-)Lord Xenu. This time the Joker joined the fray but he was neither Caesar Romero or Jack Nicholson (he wasn't even Luke Skywalker). Instead he was played by the
zombified corpse of now deceased Heath Ledger. Two-Face was also in it but who cares, the FUCKING JOKER IS IN IT! Who the hell else do you need for a movie when you have the Joker.
In the Box office the Dark Knight made more then a Third World Country is worth on it's opening weekend. By now it'd probably got more then the freakin United States.
It was foretold on YouTube that the Dark Knight would not only be sold out for decades, but also would bring and end to war and hunger and disease. Mankind would finally make first contact with the Vulcans, thus averting the event of Star Trek First Contact and the confusing time paradox there within. Unfortunately no one will know where to draw the line without the help of British sounding Frenchman; Jean-Luc Picard. It was even told that it would bring about the second (third and fourth) coming(s) of Jesus as he needed to see it again and again.
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